What 300 Conversations With Divorce Experts Have Taught Me

[00:00:04] Welcome to The D Shift Podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation, and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get this shift started. Hello, I'm Mardi Winder. I'm a strategic divorce consultant and high-conflict divorce coach, and I'm also host of The D Shift Podcast, Redefining Divorce and Beyond.

[00:00:34] And normally at this time, I introduce a phenomenal guest that speaks on some aspect of divorce or post-divorce life. And quite often we talk all about specific issues that women in particular, but men and women, experience going through the process. But today is a bit of a different episode.

[00:00:58] This is something I am kind of surprised I even got to this place, to be honest with you. This is episode 300, which is when I got started about three, four years ago, I was thinking, boy, if I can just get up to episode 50, I'm going to be really excited.

[00:01:19] And one of the things I found was that people, just experts in the divorce field, from attorneys to therapists, financial professionals, health and wellness professionals, therapists, people just came and said, yes, we would like to share our expertise and wisdom with your audience. And it has been amazing. So the first thing I want to say is thank you to all of the people who have listened to one episode or listened to them all.

[00:01:48] I so appreciate you. The second big, huge thank you goes out to all the amazing guests. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart, because this would not be a podcast without the guests that have been on. And again, we have gone run the gamut from people who work with mindset. We've had healers on here. We've had people that use specific modalities to help people release pent up emotional blocks and energies.

[00:02:18] And then we've also had people who give very practical tips on retirement planning, managing your finances during divorce, creating budgets, working through different legal options, how to prepare for mediation. So if you haven't listened to all the episodes, there's a wealth of them up there now. So take your time and go through them.

[00:02:42] Really excited to say if you are listening to this as a podcast, almost all of the episodes, the team has been working very hard in the background. Almost all 300 episodes are now uploaded to my YouTube channel. And if you want to get the link for the YouTube channel, it's going to be in the show notes today. But what I thought I would do, which was just kind of give an overall summary of lessons I've learned from 300 interviews with divorce professionals.

[00:03:12] So this is going to be a little bit of a shorter episode, but I hope it will give you just a little bit of insight into what is and are the really key issues that I think are common misconceptions or misperceptions about what divorce is going to be like and the impact it's going to have on you and your kids, regardless of the age of your children.

[00:03:38] And also the opportunities that divorce provides for the individual moving forward. So the first thing I want to say, the first big aha moment for me that's been kind of a common thread through all of the interviews has been that divorce is really not just a single thing. People often say, you know, divorce is just like when you get when it's rubber stamped by the judge and you're ready to move along.

[00:04:05] That's not what divorce actually is. Divorce is a process, and I'm going to stress that. And it is going to include an emotional component, a huge emotional component. There's going to be a financial component. There's going to be a social component. And then, of course, there's going to be the actual legal aspect of divorce.

[00:04:30] And failing to plan for any one of those avenues or those paths that divorce is going to take can leave you really lost in the process. And this is where I think working with the right professionals to help you based on what you need is going to be the most important thing to do. And, yes, that may be doing the divorce on your own. There are lots of good reasons to do that.

[00:04:58] If you have a fairly amicable divorce, if it's very uncomplicated, just a simple divorce, there's not a lot of complex financial issues or legal issues. You can do your own divorce. It's still a good idea, however, to get it checked by the by the appropriate professional. Are the financial decisions you're making actually going to be in your best interest? CDFAs can help you with that. Do you have the retirement planning you need?

[00:05:27] That might be some of our other guests that specialize in retirement planning. A financial advisor. Those can be the professionals that you want to talk to. So the more people that you get involved, the better things are going to be. The emotional and the mental and the strategy side, that is where somebody like myself as a divorce consultant or divorce coach can come in and really walk with you.

[00:05:53] And make sure that you have had the opportunity to consider all of the options, that you have made the decisions in your own best interest, and that you have access to the correct professionals to help you. And I just want to throw this in here right now. A divorce coach should never tell you what to do. We are here to ask you questions, to help you think through options,

[00:06:22] but ultimately all decisions about your divorce when you're working with a divorce coach are yours alone to make. So that leads me into the second big takeaway that I've had from all these interviews, is that divorce is not a solo activity. It should be a team. And I really do believe this. When I got divorced, gosh, almost 30 years ago, really you just went to a divorce attorney.

[00:06:51] If you had a lot of money, maybe you went to a financial planner or somebody who, or an accountant, but you didn't necessarily, there wasn't anything like a divorce coach. There wasn't a certified divorce financial analyst, or if there were, you certainly didn't hear about them. And there certainly weren't divorce coaches. So if you can, working with the team is always the best option.

[00:07:16] And we've had, I've had several guests on that are certified divorce lending professionals who can help you understand if you can qualify for a home, or if you can keep the home, or if you can qualify for a new home, if you have the ability to do that. And knowing that single piece before you even start talking to your attorney can be really helpful and save you a lot of money in your divorce. So those are, those two kind of go together.

[00:07:44] And I also want to really stress that they're, the emotional component of divorce is really critical to consider. This is a big shift in your expectation of the future, in your sense of who you are, in your identity. Yeah. And even in how you saw the future. And I think many people don't understand the impact that that's going to cause.

[00:08:10] And then they go through what I call the post-divorce void, where it's like everything has shifted and it takes a while to figure out who am I now? Especially if you've been married for one or more decades, where your identity has been in being a partner or a spouse to, a mother or a father to.

[00:08:32] And you really have maybe given up a lot of who you are to make the couple thing work. So I think that that is a under-considered part of the divorce process, but certainly something that's critical. The third point that I hear all the time from every guest that I've had

[00:08:57] is that the right support is critical in going through divorce. We all have people in our lives that are those rock solid people who are going to be with us, who are going to support us, and who are going to love us and care for us, even when we're going through difficult times. But sometimes those people aren't accessible for whatever reason. And sometimes you may find yourself in a season of life where perhaps you don't have that person.

[00:09:28] That's not a knock on you. That's not a problem. What you do need to do, though, is find a supportive community to be with. You don't want to isolate yourself during divorce, because again, this is a very stressful time. And it is a time when you need to have the support of others. There are lots of divorce support groups. I always stress, please make sure that the divorce support group is an actual private group.

[00:09:56] That does not include a lot of the online social media platforms that offer groups. Just be careful. I'm putting that in quotes if you're listening to this on a podcast. Those groups, even though they may say they're private, anybody can sign up. Anybody can say they're whoever they are on the call. And there's really no way to know who is in the group. This is the other thing that I'm going to throw out here now.

[00:10:22] Another point that comes up with almost all of the professionals I talk with. Please do not post information about your divorce on any social media platform, anywhere where it's public access. Don't write about it in your blog or don't share it with people if you are still actively in the divorce process because, again, these things seem to have a way of showing up at the least opportune moments in the process. So please be aware of that.

[00:10:52] But getting back to the support, it really does matter who is in your corner. That, again, it can be a friend. It can be a family member. It can be a paid professional. It doesn't matter who it is. It just matters that you have somebody. And, again, support groups are great. Just make sure that there is somebody who's actually got the skills to facilitate the group. Lots of them are facilitated by therapists, licensed counselors.

[00:11:23] Divorce coaches sometimes have these groups. So whatever you're looking for, just make sure that there is some competent person that is facilitating the group. And if you get into the group and you don't like the behavior of the group members or the tone of the group or, you know, everybody just kind of sitting around talking about how bad their situation is, if that is draining you energetically or you don't feel like you're accomplishing anything, get out of the group. Find another one.

[00:11:53] That's my best piece of advice for that. The fourth thing that comes up a lot is that strategy also matters in your divorce. Now, your attorney is going to be talking about legal strategy. Your financial person is going to be talking about financial strategy. But you need to have a life strategy moving forward. One of the best things you can do is actually get a clear understanding of what you want your future.

[00:12:23] And I know the last thing you want to do when you go already dealing with all the stuff from a divorce is start trying to imagine where you are in the future. But if you don't do that, how do you know the decisions you're going to make at mediation or your attorney's going to negotiate it for you or you're going to request them through the litigation process? How do you know which one of those things to ask for if you don't know where you want to be in the future?

[00:12:48] Because remember, the divorce settlement is the foundation for you moving forward. And again, the older you are, the more important it's going to be to have all your ducks in a row because you have less time to recover financially than you do if you divorce in your 20s or 30s if you're divorcing in your 50s, 60s or 70s. So again, that time frame has to be weighed in.

[00:13:16] And the last point that I want to talk about on the whole idea of what I've learned from my guests, and there's so many points I could bring out here. There's probably at least three or 400 if I go back through every episode and pick out the golden nuggets and gems that people have shared. But the one that comes up a lot is that every divorce is different.

[00:13:41] Yes, it's a process where a couple is dividing their assets, creating co-parenting plans, and managing, you know, dissolving their contract of marriage. But everybody's personality is different. Everybody's experience is different. Everybody's asset base is different. And working with professionals that will treat you like an individual

[00:14:08] and making sure that they are honestly listening and genuinely getting what your goals and your plans and your hopes for the divorce process and life afterwards is really important. I've got to tell you, when I was going through my divorce, I went to my attorney and said, look, I don't want this to drag on. There was a rental property that we owned and then our own home.

[00:14:37] And I said, listen, I just want to give just... I know my spouse at that time wanted that rental property. I said, just let him have it. That's fine. And I had to fight with my attorney because my attorney was like, no, no, no, you're entitled to half of the equity in that property. And I knew I was, but I didn't care that much about that rental property. And I just would rather have him take it.

[00:15:08] And because it didn't seem fair to me, I just wanted to dealt with. So there are... You have to be able to work with a professional in any capacity who is going to be okay with listening to what you want and not fighting you on things. And divorce is such a part of who you are going to become. Lots of the guests have talked about this too,

[00:15:34] that divorce gives you an opportunity to take control of your life, to make decisions that are going to be in your own best interests, and that is going to be able to keep you moving forward in the way that you want to go. So don't be a spectator or a passive... Passive... I can't speak today. A passive observer of your life going through divorce.

[00:16:04] If you have questions, ask questions, whether that be of any divorce professional that's working with you. The next thing that we talk about with a lot of the guests is what do you do about the children in divorce? So first of all, I know that a lot of parents... I did not have kids when I went through my divorce. But I've worked with so many families over the years

[00:16:31] that I know that a lot of times people stay together because of the kids. And a lot of times people feel an immense amount of guilt if they do divorce because their kids are now going to be moving between two households. And I had the... I can't even remember who told me this, but I just think it's the most beautiful image to keep in your mind. Kids would rather live in two households full of sunshine than one household full of darkness.

[00:16:59] So yes, divorce is going to be challenging for children. Divorce is going to be challenging for adults. But it's how parents handle that. If kids have access to mom and dad or both parents, if kids feel loved in both households and cared for, they will adjust. What damages kids long-term is if the conflict doesn't get better, if it stays as bad or even gets worse post-divorce.

[00:17:29] If you are going through one of those high-conflict divorces, make sure that you have experts working with you, professionals working with you who understand the dynamics of high-conflict divorce. This is often challenging because it needs to be approached from a very different process than a divorce where people are thinking of the best interests of the kids and even wanting the best for each other,

[00:17:58] even though they're getting a divorce. So I'm going to encourage you to, first of all, keep listening to the episodes. We've got a bunch more coming up, but also to maybe go back and take a look at some of the episodes that are important to you at whatever phase of the divorce that you're going through. If you know anybody else that's going through a divorce, of course, I'd always appreciate if you share the podcast with them.

[00:18:25] But what I want you to remember is that professionals through the divorce process should be working with your best interests at heart. And of the 300 episodes I've done, I have got to say every one of the professionals that I've had on here has stressed that it is important to have a good fit between you as the client and them as the professional,

[00:18:53] whatever capacity they may be serving you in. So I hope that this was a little bit of a recap of the first 300 episodes. And I'll definitely touch base with you after the next 300 and hopefully before then. But if you have any comments, questions, my information is in the chat. Reach out. If you have a particular topic you'd like to see me covered, send me an email or connect with me on social media and I'd be happy to do that.

[00:19:23] Don't forget to check out the YouTube channel, which I'm also going to put that. It's Divorce Coach for Women on YouTube. And thank you so much for listening. Thank you again to all the guests who have been on here. And don't forget to tune in to the next episode of the D Shift Podcast. Thanks for listening and supporting the D Shift Podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests and have a chance to ask questions

[00:19:52] and get answers from our experts, join the D Shift crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www.divorcecoachforwomen and click on the podcast page.