Understanding Masculine and Feminine Energy Dynamics

[00:00:04] Welcome to The D Shift Podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation, and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get this shift started. Hello and welcome to this episode of The D Shift Podcast.

[00:00:27] And we are going to be talking about something that we've kind of touched on a little bit in past episodes, but we really haven't focused in on. And that is the idea between emotional and physical intimacy in relationships and taking back feminine power in a way that feels empowering, but also helps you to connect with your partner and hopefully have a much more satisfactory relationship.

[00:00:54] And I want to introduce you to my guest. Her name is Joanna Shakti. She is founder of Ecstatic Intimacy. She's a smart, soulful, and a little bit spicy woman. And I just love that.

[00:01:07] She works with helping people transform their lives in a way that helps them understand masculine feminine dynamics, leadership, spiritual awakening, engineering, and even using Tantra to lead singles and couples along the path of love. So they may know the deepest of connections on this human journey.

[00:01:30] So Joanna, I love this topic. It's not one that we've sort of covered it from therapist points of view, but I'm really interested because I do think a lot of relationships break down because there's that sense of both physical and emotional intimacy disconnect during relationships. So before we get into all of that, how did you get to working in this very specific area?

[00:01:56] I will tell the shortest version of that story. And the nutshell is I have an electrical engineering degree, an MBA, and I was working in oil and gas in high tech in Houston, Texas, in what I'd call the good old boy network in the 90s. And I was proud of outmanning men. I had also been married to six foot three, blonde hair, blue eyed, car golfer, concert pianist, valedictorian, gorgeous, prince charming man.

[00:02:25] And we were divorced four years later. And I wondered what was wrong with all the men. And suddenly, I also had self-esteem issues that he could have never loved me enough for me to actually feel loved. And so I but I blamed him. And then as I got back out into the dating world, I blamed the men I was attracted to.

[00:02:47] And I was in 2001 introduced to the words masculine and feminine, which I knew the words, but I'd never applied them to myself. And all of a sudden, everything in my life made sense. Why I was successful to why I struggled with orgasms and everything in between. And I literally knew I would leave corporate and step into this work. So not another woman would go through the pain that I went through. Not another man would go through the pain that I put men through.

[00:03:15] And of course, now holding that whole gender spectrum of everyone on this journey and so that how we can have the deepest love. And so it was my own pain and then committing to this understanding and the service that really made the difference. Yeah. And I really appreciate you saying that because I'm I'm a Canadian living in Texas and it is the good old boys.

[00:03:41] And it's not just Texas. It's all over the place. I mean, in the night, 40 years ago, 40 plus years ago, when I got my first job, I started working at a packing plant as a as a livestock buyer. And there was like out of the 700 people working at the plant, there was me and the plant manager's secretary. That was it. That was it. So. And I grew up. My dad was a police officer, so there was a lot of this like you were just supposed to be tough.

[00:04:08] You were supposed to suck it up. You were supposed to be competitive. And and that was the way I'm sorry, but that's the way business was done. Like if you were in corporate whatever country in that in that time, you are supposed to compete with men on that level. You know, whatever that looked like. Tell tell the raunchy jokes. Go out for drinks on Friday afternoon. Like whatever it was, that's what you were supposed to do.

[00:04:36] When I was in corporate, they were still going to the strip clubs. Hey, so once a month, that was lunch. They went they went to a strip. Now, the guys I work with is older and I was younger. So they were they were a little embarrassed and they would always make sure I sat with my back to the stripper stage. But it was like, oh, they have the best food here. This is why we have to go to the strip club. So, yeah, I get it. I totally resonate with this.

[00:05:04] Yeah, I've never met another woman that's had quite the same Houston, Texas experience, you know, or that. And really, like, it's not as bad now. Right. But but the traces of that we are still dealing with. Yeah. And it impacts women professionally and impacts them relationally and romantically and sexually. Yeah. And I'm going to say mine was up in Alberta or in Manitoba in Canada.

[00:05:34] So it wasn't it wasn't even down. I think it's universal. I've talked to people in the UK that have had the same experience in Australia. And but I think this is kind of evolving. But in some ways, there's still that sense of especially especially in kind of male dominated industries. I'm thinking law enforcement, you know, even attorneys. And how I mean, how many careers in the oil field? Like you said, engineering. Yeah. Engineering.

[00:06:03] I see it with I work with a lot of women doctors, attorneys, any of the STEM fields, right? Science, technology, engineering, medicine, law. But even teachers, honestly, they have to hold a lot of masculine energy. Therapists hold a lot of masculine energy. And we don't understand. Most people and I didn't when I started learning all this didn't understand the impact on our

[00:06:31] bodies, our hearts, our libido and our attractiveness that come from that overuse of masculine energy and not knowing how when we go into that energy, not knowing how and when to return to our true natures. Now, I don't mean to imply that every female being is predominantly feminine.

[00:06:57] There are that is after 20 plus years of supporting people, that is most common, but it's not absolute. So I don't want to pigeonhole anybody in this. Right. But I had no idea that I actually had a feminine essence. I would have told you for sure that my true nature was masculine. But it was only my fear. That I wouldn't be safe if I wasn't in that masculine energy. I wouldn't be respected if I wasn't in that masculine energy.

[00:07:26] I wouldn't be successful if I wasn't in that masculine energy. So I had put on such a good mask and such a good facade that I had no idea who I really was. Right. Yeah. So, Joanna, what would you say? Because I'm resonating with what you're saying. What would you say would be kind of the characteristics of that masculine energy? And then what are the characteristics of that feminine energy? And I'm going to add an extra question in here.

[00:07:55] And I try not to stack questions normally. But is it not to kind of flow between the energies? Or should you stay in one or the other? Or take it wherever you want with that? Yeah. Yeah. No. Great question. And so just know that I teach weekend retreats on this. And at the end of the weekend retreat, we go, if we had a whole week, we probably wouldn't cover this entire topic. So we're going to get the- Yeah. We're just going to go here.

[00:08:23] So masculine energy is, and I just trust the way things want to come through in the moment. It's the get shit done energy. Yeah. It's the make it happen energy. It's the results energy. It is the decisive, disciplined, determined energy. It's more of a controlled energy. It's more of a penetrative energy. Feminine energy is more of an expressive energy. It's an experiential energy. It has more softness. And soft is not-

[00:08:52] Soft is incredibly powerful, just for anybody that freaks out at that word because it happens. It is the expansive and infinite energy. It is the vulnerable, receptive energy. It is the energy of grace. And grace has got incredible power. Like to show up in the front of a room, there can be a masculine being who knows who he is. I'm using he, I'm using the male-female pronouns, but they're not synonymous.

[00:09:21] And stands there with that presence. That's attractive. It's compelling. When that same presence opens his heart, it's way more compelling. Sure. The feminine being stands in the front of that room. And there's a light. There's a radiance. There's something that draws people to her. And when they can feel her presence in the center of that, which is her masculine or young energy, she's incredibly compelling.

[00:09:51] Just different. Yeah. So that's the best expression of conscious, divine, sacred, masculine, and feminine that we can do quickly. Your question about going back and forth and why I mentioned the open heart at the center of the masculine, the unconscious masculine, I don't like the word toxic, but I'll use it here to make the point, is when that heart is closed off. There's no feminine within the masculine.

[00:10:21] And the feminine who has no masculine or young has no boundaries. She has no groundedness. She has no rootedness. And she's actually not as effective. So we need the opposite energies, but it's not equal. It's not 50-50. Okay. There's just center of it. There's a heart of it. And so we're playing in both energies all the time. Right.

[00:10:46] And sometimes I need to go into direct masculine energy to really land a moment or to take care of something. But then I'm going to drop back to my true energy. A masculine being may need to go super soft and tender. I was coaching someone about a business endeavor yesterday around the masculine and feminine.

[00:11:11] And one of the people that works for him, very feminine and emotional in a particular circumstance. Okay. I'm like, you got to meet her there. And when you meet her there, that will move. And then she's back and available. Yes. Yes. And so it's this, how do we hold it situationally? Go anywhere on the spectrum, either spectrum. That's mastery. But then we have to come back and know who we are. And that's what I didn't know.

[00:11:40] Who I was. And therefore I was exhausted, burnt out, angry, resentful, and all kinds of things. Sure. When we're not in our true energy. Yeah. That makes sense. Why we get pissed. Sorry. I'm going to jump in one last phrase is why we get pissed at our partners romantically. That then starts to create problems in our romantic relationships because we're not staying true to ourselves. Right.

[00:12:05] And I think, you know, I think that whole dynamic of why relationships come apart. And a lot of times it's, it's, it's not because there, I mean, there are cases where there's abuse and toxic people and all that kind of stuff. So we're not talking, we're going to set those relationships aside. So people where that is not, or couples where that's not an issue.

[00:12:28] I think a lot of it is that the, the intimacy either on the emotional or the physical or both levels just drops off. I know for myself from with my first husband, we'd have done way better if we just stayed friends. We probably could have been best friends forever, but we got married and that just changed the whole dynamic of the, of the situation.

[00:12:48] And I'm wondering, I'm wondering how this masculine and feminine energy ties into that sort of, we're really good roommates, but we're not really, we're not really intimate in the emotional or physical sense. Yes. So let me play with two things to answer that question. So emotional intimacy is more in the feminine, feminine realm. It's the feeling realm, which is more feminine and it's more vulnerable, which is more feminine.

[00:13:16] The physical intimacy, it's actually equally as vulnerable if people will step into that, but it's more of the masculine realm. It's the visual realm. It's the, the tangible realm. Often sexuality is moving towards orgasm, a goal. The better sex is actually when you let go of the goal and you actually discover what happens. And that's the realm of best hours when we let go of the goal sexually. So there's some misunderstanding.

[00:13:45] And interestingly enough, masculine beings tend to get to their heart through their sexuality, while feminine beings tend to get to their sexuality through their heart. Cosmic joke. Right. We're missing each other. Why? Yes, we haven't had sex, so I'm not feeling so loving. I'm not, we haven't been cuddling. I'm not feeling like sex. Yeah. How do we get here? How do we solve this?

[00:14:12] And there's ways that we can solve it that we don't have time for today, but to start to understand why we miss each other. So that's the, the dynamic that needs to flow. But to your question, why roommates show up or why we end up in that roommate zone or that friend zone is I'll use myself as the example. I'm actually attracted to masculine men, but I was running all of my masculine energy.

[00:14:40] So masculine and feminine are like poles of a magnet. If you take two magnets and you bring the opposite sides together, they come together and they stick and it takes some force to pull them apart. That's masculine and bringing masculine to feminine, the two different poles, which create a polarity. But if we flip one of those magnets and bring positive to positive there, this is where I used to like to play with magnets is they would, how quickly would they flip away?

[00:15:09] No matter how much I tried to put them together, they wouldn't go together. This is romantic attraction. So I was running all this masculine energy. I'm attracted to masculine men, but you try to bring masculine to masculine and we can get meat. Right. And even if I could get to my feminine to attract the man initially, then I start to run my daily life and I'm in get shit done mode. Right. Make it happen mode. I come home and bring that.

[00:15:37] And masculine beings actually want to make us happy. So they go, okay, if you want to do it, I'll totally let you do it if that makes you happy. So they actually go more into their feminine, but now I'm pissed off because they're not supporting. And so there's the repelling action or inaction. And then there is the frustration because the more I move masculine, the more he moves feminine. And now I'm more overwhelmed. Right.

[00:16:04] And now I'm like, I have even less interest in connecting and sexuality. Sure. Because the more you try to do in that doing energy, the least effective you become. Yeah. Yeah. And that's kind of that whole, you know, chase and retreat dynamic that we talk about in the, you know, the avoidant attachment disorder and the, you know, like we go through all of that. And this is a really unique approach.

[00:16:30] And here's something I think, because I know about masculine and feminine energies as well, but I never thought about how it would play out in a relationship and how we appear in our day-to-day life. We can't just turn that off when we get home. And so it really, it really would take some, some skilled coaching and some skilled work and some effort on our part to make some of those shifts. Yeah, Marty, absolutely.

[00:16:59] And, and the interesting part is we can't actually do transition rituals. It's something that I actually teach women. If they have to go masculine and they are truly feminine, because the underlying point, the very first thing I always do is, okay, there's these concepts. Let's get up close and personal, pull the conditioning back, pull the walls of protection back. Who are you really? Right.

[00:17:22] And then when you know who you are really, now our job is to get, give you the greatest chance to live that congruently and consistently. Yeah. But if I discover I'm feminine and I have to go masculine, then there's transition rituals that can bring us back home and allow us to really reconnect with who we are, which changes the dynamics in the relationship. So we can do it.

[00:17:52] We just need to learn how to be conscious of what's happening. Oh, I'm in my masculine energy. Oh, and now I can begin to shift it or I can name what I need. Right. Right. Yeah. So that they can support me. Yeah. Oh, this is fantastic. Such a, such an interesting and thought provoking conversation, Joanna. Now I know you have a gift for the listeners. This might be a good time to pop that in because we're almost out of time here. Tell us a little bit about that. Absolutely.

[00:18:22] So the, the gift that I have is there's something called the ecstatic intimacy jumpstart kit. And that jumpstart kit has four different, there's the singles version and a couples version. The link will take you to whichever one you want. You can have both. And, but they take you through different aspects of what's it like to be a feminine being in dating? What's it like to be a masculine being in dating? What are some of the impacts that happen?

[00:18:50] What does this path of true love, true authenticity create for us? And the, what are the kinds of what I'll call ecstatically intimate relationships that can come from that? So there's a roadmap to these. What I love to say is the best, the greatest self, the greatest relationship or the greatest love and the greatest life that we can have. Cause boardroom to bedroom, we're the same person.

[00:19:17] So the jumpstart kit really helps you accelerate and see how you can have all of that. That is. Oh, thank you. That is so generous. And I'm sure that people are going to want to grab that and that the links are going to be in the show notes. So just, just, just check it out there. Joanna, one last, one last question. And then I'm going to get you to give your website if people want to follow up and find out more about you. What, what do you think is the biggest takeaway from this conversation today?

[00:19:48] You asked me biggest, I'm going to give you two. And the first one is discover who you really are because who you think you are as a woman, especially a professional, generative, doing things in the world, single mom, all of those things. We, I work with so many women that are so out of touch with who they really are. Who am I and what makes me happy? So it's that.

[00:20:15] And then from that, then we have the power to create the kind of relationship that we truly want. And that that becomes possible because the strength of the relationship that we have with ourselves, the deeper we know ourselves, the stronger the relationship we can build with another, the more sustainable that relationship, the more ecstatic that relationship. So discover you, be you, and then create relationship from that place.

[00:20:44] And those are extraordinary relationships. Thank you. And what, I mean, that is, that's just kind of sounds like a really good advice for everybody, no matter where you are and whatever, whatever relationship you may or may not be in. Sounds like a really good thing to get, to get control of, to get a handle on, to get an understanding of. So the last question, Joanna, what's your website or how do you want people to reach out to you? Do you have a social media channel you're real active on or is your website the best way? What, what do you want?

[00:21:14] Yeah, the website's really the best way and it's ecstaticintimacy.com. Which look in the show notes because that's not the easiest thing for some people to spell, but ecstatic intimacy, the life and the love that takes your breath away. Oh, Joanna, thank you so much for sharing this. This has been, this has been a really interesting, unique and enlightening conversation. So thank you for, thank you for doing this. Absolutely, Marty. Thank you for hosting it and getting this out. It matters. Yeah.

[00:21:43] Thank you everyone for listening into this episode of the D-Shift Podcast. I hope you found it as interesting and thought provoking as I did. And don't forget to tune in again to the next one. Thanks for listening and supporting the D-Shift Podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts, join the D-Shift crew.

[00:22:10] For more details and to sign up, head on over to www.divorcecoachforwomen and click on the podcast page.