Learning to Do Things Alone After Divorce Even When It Scares You

[00:00:04] Welcome to The D Shift Podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation, and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get this shift started. Hello and welcome to this episode of The D Shift Podcast.

[00:00:25] And today we are going to talk all about how to deal with the big transition that is divorce and a lot of other stuff that comes up in life, particularly for women. So my guest today is Brie Clay. She is a life coach and sexologist who helps women move from surviving to thriving after divorce and other types of major life transitions.

[00:00:51] Her goal is to empower women to reconnect with themselves, reclaim their confidence, and embrace their next chapter with intentionality and joy. And that is such a positive thing. Brie, welcome. Thank you. Thank you. I'm glad to be here. Thank you so much for having me on your show. I'm excited. Well, I'm excited to have you because your message is just so positive.

[00:01:16] And the whole idea of going through divorce, a lot of the, what am I going to be? Who am I going to be? How am I going to live my life on the other side? Keeps a lot of people in relationships for years longer than they probably should be staying in them. Oh, yes, definitely. So let's start out by getting to know a little bit more about you. Brie, tell us why you do this and kind of tell us a little bit about your story, how you got here.

[00:01:43] Sure. Okay. So my story is I was married, I got married young and I talk with my hands. So I got married at a young age. You know, I met my husband, my ex-husband, you know, we were young, we got married. He was at that time in the military. And so we leave Texas and go to Germany. We're in Germany for like 11 years and then we come back to Texas.

[00:02:09] And so it just, you know, as we got back to this, we call it the States, right? So when we came back to the States, you know, our life kind of changed. We had different set of friends, you know, different mindset. Our kids were getting older and we just found that we just kind of just grew apart. You know, that young mind that we had then, it wasn't the same. And then the lifestyle being in the States versus being in Germany was different. So we kind of had to navigate all of that.

[00:02:36] You know, our support system was in Germany because we built a community there and then to come here. So we kind of just unravel, you know, and then we ended up in a separation for three years, which that didn't work. That was ridiculous. But then through that though, we ended up deciding, okay, this is, we just, we just gonna have to go ahead and go through with the divorce. We've grown apart. There wasn't any recovering, you know, from the damage that had been done.

[00:03:04] So it was like, all right, that was our best bet. We didn't want to hate each other. So this was the way to kind of cut the tie and start a new life. Now, when that happened, because I was young, I didn't know what to do. I did not have a clue what being divorced looked like, felt like, sounded like. Like for 25 years of my life, I was a wife, a mother, and all of that.

[00:03:30] All of my things that I did was around my family, my kids and my spouse, in particular, my spouse. And so I just, I didn't know how to live. And so when the divorce happened, I didn't know anything about, you know, setting budgets. I didn't know anything about doing things on my own. And I've always had my ex-husband with me, so traveling and all of that. So I had to grow up real quick, you know.

[00:03:56] And I found that as I was going through the journey, I was like, I know there are other women who have gone through this. You feel isolated. You feel alone. You feel like you failed. You feel like you're never going to know joy again, you know. And that's kind of what landed me here because I wanted to say, hey, divorce may have been the end of one chapter, but this is the beginning of a new chapter. Don't look at it as a, well, I looked at my divorce as a death, but I look at my life

[00:04:26] now as a rebirth. Right. And I have an opportunity now to do some amazing things. And that's the message that I want to give out. Yeah. And that's what, I mean, that's what, that just resonates. Like, you know, every one of my clients that I work with says that. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'm going to manage all of this. You know, this is something, this is something we did as a couple, managing the household, doing all that stuff. Now I got to do it all by myself.

[00:04:54] And it can be really super overwhelming. Yes, for sure. Yeah. And especially when you're, so I've never been a military spouse, but I work with lots of people that have been military spouses and on military bases, it's, it's, it's kind of like its own little universe where there is a fairly supportive community. Right. Yes. Yeah. And especially I'm, I'm sure when you're stationed in another country as, as Americans,

[00:05:23] you kind of all group together and do things together. And then now you're back in, you know, back in the States and it's like, oh no, like, what am I going to do? Who am I now? So you kind of had two things to deal with. It sounds like. I did. It was adapting to, you know, life back in, in, in our own country. And then not only that he was, you know, out of the military. And so we had to now know, okay, what does civilian life look like? You know, what, what does this look like?

[00:05:50] And so there were a lot of changes happening, you know, at one time and it was just, but like I said, even though, you know, it's the end of a marriage, which I don't wish divorce on anyone. However, it happens. Right. And it's what you do with it. Okay. This is the hand I've been dealt. Now, what am I going to do? Right. Right. And I really think it's important. And I, I so appreciate you saying that. I really think it's important to stop looking at divorce as a failure.

[00:06:17] Some relationships, you know, they come for a reason or a season. They're not always for life. Right. And, and you can't hold on to the fact that this, this one relationship didn't work. Therefore, I am a failure when you've had what several hundred, maybe thousands of relationships that are still working and doing great. We need to get, we need to get over that. And obviously, yeah, people can stay together. That's the way to go, but that's not always the case. So it's not always the case.

[00:06:46] Let's talk about, let's talk about the whole idea of, well, before we get into that, I want to ask you one question because I know this is going to be something people are going to be sitting there thinking about if we don't talk about it. What is a sexologist? Because that, that's one of those words, those job descriptions you don't hear very often. Right. Right. Yeah. So a sexologist is mainly just someone who, or my, what I do as a sexologist, right. Is mainly help. My focus is with women.

[00:07:15] I do work with couples as well, but a sexologist job is to help you become reconnected with yourself. So helping you become connected with your body, your mind, your spirit, you know, everything that has to deal with intimacy and with pleasure. And a lot of times people automatically think when they think intimacy and pleasure, they think sex. They just think the first part of the word and that, and that is part of it, but you can't really have real intimacy and pleasure.

[00:07:42] If you're not in tune with your body, you, if you don't know your body, you don't know the parts of your body, you know, you don't know how to be present in your own skin. And that's what a sexologist does. We help you identify any areas that you may have barriers to pleasure, and we help you to grow in those areas so that you're able to experience pleasure and intimacy, you know, within your relationships or even, or even within yourself. Right. Right.

[00:08:12] So it sounds like all those things that you would like to be able to ask your mom, but were too embarrassed to ask your mom. Exactly. Those things and getting the real, you know, getting the real answer behind a lot of those things. Cause a lot of our bodies, especially as women or even men, my, I was talking with my son when he was younger, when I first started doing this, you know, and he didn't understand, okay, what does this mean with my body?

[00:08:37] And it was something I was able to tell him, okay, son, you know, this is, it wasn't just the sex education class that we got in school. It's like adult sex education, which talks real, you know, this is what this part of your body does. And, you know, this is what pleasure is and, and just different things like that. And that's a great way to put it. The things you wanted to ask your mom, but were too embarrassed or the things that she didn't want to answer. Right. So go ask your dad or, oh, we'll talk about that later. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:09:06] So I get to do that. Yeah. Yeah. And, and so, and this ties in with a lot, um, a lot of people, um, thinking of Jacqueline Francis, I interviewed her and she talks about this. You have to, you have to love yourself. You have to be able to experience joy and pleasure on your own sexual or not. It doesn't matter. But if you can't, you can't enjoy that. If you can't create that experience and, and be comfortable with it, then you can't experience that on an, on an emotional or physical level with somebody else.

[00:09:36] So I think that's a really important message. And that is absolutely true. And especially, so the way this ties in with the life after divorce, um, platform is, you know, you can't provide pleasure or, or really receive pleasure. If you don't know what pleasure is for yourself. Right. You have to know and be connected to you, you know, whatever feels good, whatever is your peace and your safety around pleasure. You have to know that before you can share that with someone else.

[00:10:05] Right. Right. Yes. And, and most people, not everybody, but most people are going to have another relationship, another intimate relationship or partner relationship, whatever term you want to use. Um, I mean, some people are going to choose to stay single and that's cool too, but that, and that doesn't mean that you, that you might not want to explore maybe your emotional intimacy with other people if it's not going to be physical.

[00:10:29] So let's, let's go back to, um, let's go back to the, the, the life more, the life coaching and just weave in whatever you want here, Brie. What do you think are some of the things that women can consciously do to get out of this idea of I'm through a divorce? I just need to survive or, or any major life transition to saying, you know, this is my time now and I'm going to make the most of it. Right.

[00:10:58] So what I normally encourage women to do, one of my main, like first step things is do something alone, you know, do something that you were always afraid to do by yourself, get yourself out there and do it. Whether it's take yourself out on a date, you know, out to dinner, because a lot of people don't like to eat alone. Yeah. And they've never had to. And so it's kind of like, I've, I'm embarrassed. I feel weird. You know, everybody's looking at me.

[00:11:24] So one thing I say is, or even going to the movies alone, do something alone and, and embrace your own company. Yeah. You know, and if you can't be around you, how is somebody else, you know, going to want to be around you? And, and that's like, that's my biggest thing. Um, even, you know, take a trip by yourself, you know, um, a lot of times we do survival mode. Well, I'm not going to do anything unless my friends go, or unless my kids go, or my

[00:11:53] parents, somebody, if you want to take a trip, there are plenty of people who travel by themselves, you know, get out there. And a lot of times you'll end up by yourself. You'll end up meeting somebody connected with, you know, like me. I don't, everybody always says, you don't meet a stranger. And I'm like, I don't, I go on a trip by myself and I ended up knowing five or six different people, you know, and just from casual conversation. But that would be my main thing is give yourself permission to do things on your own and not

[00:12:22] have that fear of that loneliness or the fear of, you know, everybody's looking at me or whatever. Just that that's my main thing. Yeah. It's, it's funny. I, um, I grew up and from a very young age as an adult, I was working on in a job where I was traveling quite a bit. So it was very, very common for me to spend like two nights in this hotel and then drive to another city and a couple nights in that hotel.

[00:12:48] And I, it just never dawned on me that it would be, anybody would find it weird, like going and sitting in the hotel, um, you know, restaurant and having a nice meal or going to the lounge and having a, you know, a cocktail or something. Right. And it just never occurred to me that that would bother people. And, and then I heard so many people say, Oh, I don't like to travel. I don't, I don't drive my car by myself. I'm thinking like, what the hell do you people do all day?

[00:13:19] You know, and, and, but there are people that, that, that is a huge, um, comfort zone violation to be on their own. So I'm not making fun of that. I'm just saying from my perspective, that was such a foreign concept for me. Right. And you know, and, and that is one of the reasons why a lot of people jump out and date too soon or jump into another, you know, marriage relationship or whatever. Just, it's just that fear of being alone.

[00:13:46] But I've, I've found that when you just embrace that, um, you're, you're more effective when you do, or if you do ever get into another relationship, because at that point you've given your time, yourself time to say, Hey, I love myself. I'm important. Um, you know, I'm, I'm worthy. I'm not a failure, you know, and those are the steps to begin to thrive in life and not just survive in life. Yeah. And that's important. I completely agree with you on that one.

[00:14:15] What about the idea of the divorce or big life transitions, um, causing like emotional wounds that, that we, you know, they're kind of like, if you ever get a cut or a mosquito bite and it starts to heal over and then you find yourself scratching at it and then it gets a little worse and then you keep scratching at it. Why do we keep, why do we keep, um, irritating those wounds rather than just trying to let them heal? And how can we move towards a more healing path?

[00:14:46] I think we get familiar with, um, with our, with our grief and we get comfortable in that state, you know, and we get comfortable in the mindset of where we were. So a lot of times we start scratching at those wounds because we feel like we're in a state of grief and it's, Oh, I remember the time when, or, Oh, I remember this. And if we just hadn't have gotten divorced, my life would be like this. And it's just, it's that looking in that rear view mirror instead of looking forward at what can be, um, your new norm.

[00:15:15] I always tell people, you know, grief and optimism can lack, can be true at the same time. You can, you can have your grief and you can have your moments of, you know, going through your healing journey, but you're never going to heal. If you keep revisiting those old wounds, right? You're never going to heal. And sometimes, um, getting rid of those old wounds may be developing. Sometimes you may have to get new friendships. You know, some people, um, end up moving, you know, from a, from a community or whatever.

[00:15:44] It's just something that you have to, um, embrace this new chapter in your life and not be afraid of what the unknown may be. Um, and, and, and stop tending to those wounds. I mean, you've done the divorce, you know, you've, you've done your, um, you know, all of that is already done. And so now it's like, that's a wound and it may end up even being a scar, but it's never going to heal if you don't stop picking at it.

[00:16:09] And the way to stop picking at it is to embrace this new life and begin to move forward. And day by day, you know, start with the small things, um, set some boundaries, get to know yourself, um, embrace, um, embrace the change. It might, you may never be the same person you were in your marriage and that's okay. You know, you may develop into someone new, but give yourself permission to have pleasure and to move forward in life.

[00:16:36] And I think that helps to stop picking at those wounds because you're not, you're no longer just focused on what happened. Now you're focused on what can be. Right. And, and I, I, when you said that looking in the rear view mirror, you know, when we look in the rear view mirror, all we're looking at is the really good things that happen. We, we, we forget the days and days and days where, you know, you didn't feel that this person understood you or respected you or cared for you or whatever the issue may have

[00:17:06] been. I mean, I'm not saying everybody has these big dramatic things, but there's a reason why a relationship doesn't last. Right. But when we look back, all we do is we see, oh, look how wonderful it was that Christmas we all spent together. Oh yeah. Yeah. Don't worry about the other 15 Christmases that were a disaster because that something that happened. We just focus on that one good one. Yeah. It's just human nature, right? Because that's, and then, and then I think the other, the other flip side of that, that

[00:17:35] you're alluding to is we look forward and all we see is possible failures and possible things to be worried about. We don't see all the opportunities sitting there. So it's like the back is all good. The forward is all stress and worry and fear about what's going to happen. But it could, I mean, it's a journey. And if you look at it as a journey and you look at it as a new path in life. And my biggest thing is that rebirth.

[00:18:01] If you look at it as a rebirth, you're going to embrace the change and you're going to allow yourself to say, Hey, you know, that's, that's what happened then. And this is where I am now. And this is what I always ask women to, what do you want your life to look like now? You know? Okay. Now let's talk about how steps we could take to get there. And a lot of times it's not as daunting as people think it is. I remember someone told me a long time ago, there's a reason the rear view mirror is so

[00:18:30] small and the windshield is so big. Right. You know, and, and that right there, that just really, really stuck with me. And so I say the same thing. The rear view mirror is small for a reason. You just have to change your mindset. It's just changing the mindset and just being okay with what's, what's to come. Yeah. And I think the other thing that, that, that goes along with that is when you see, when you ask people to, what do you want to be right now?

[00:18:59] Like, who do you want to be now? And they go, Oh, I'd like to be this person, this person, and this person, or I'd like to be doing this, this, and this. And then the very next thing they say is, but that can't happen because, and they start telling you all the reasons that can never possibly happen. And it's so interesting how our minds work like that, because there's just as much chances of you getting everything you want and more than there is of you getting nothing you want. You know? Yes. Yes.

[00:19:29] You're right. You're absolutely right. And it's just the, um, again, it's just the changing of, of the mindset and just choosing to, um, you know, move forward. And my thing is, and if you do choose to do that and you fail miserably, okay. Yeah. Let's dust that off and let, and let's keep going forward. And, and another question I like to ask people is if you had a best friend, a mom or a daughter who was in your same situation, what would you tell them?

[00:19:56] Cause we, as women, we give great advice to everybody else, right? We give great advice and we show up a hundred percent. But when it comes to ourselves, we don't do that same great advice. You know, we, we don't give ourselves the same grace. We're so hard on ourselves and we're, you know, we don't have the confidence and, and the, um, you know, and the thinking that we can move forward. And it's, it's amazing what we've learned that we can do. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:20:21] And, and I think the other thing too, is this whole idea of self-confidence and self-worth and things like that. It's almost like we're conditioned as women that that's not, that shouldn't be important. Our priority should be giving and caregiving and maintaining and supporting doing all this kind of behind the scenes work. We're not supposed to be the person out in the front, taking the bows and getting the,

[00:20:49] you know, the, the claps and the cheers and everything else. And that can be a big shift when you start running your own ship. And now all of a sudden people are recognizing what you're doing for some women that can be scary. Yes. And I, and I find a lot of women, um, find that scary that shift into the, okay, now you're the one that's, that's in the forefront. Now, you know, you're no longer behind or, or, you know, with the, your partner now it's you.

[00:21:17] And, um, and that is, that is scary. And I say a lot of things, some of the best things that people do, they do it when they're afraid. Yeah. Yes. You know, they do it when they're afraid. And then when they, when it stops and they take that deep breath and they look back, it's like, Oh my God, I never would have known. I'm able to do all of this, but yeah, fear tries to hold, uh, hold us back.

[00:21:41] But again, just, you have to plant your feet, take your deep breath and chart your new, your new path. And you'll find that it's, it's way different than what you would have ever imagined it to be. You know, the stuff that I'm doing now, it's so funny. Um, cause I'm, I am friends with my ex-husband. And so the funny thing is he's like, you, what do you mean? You don't pop. Like, what is, who is this woman? Who is this woman with these boundaries?

[00:22:09] You know, who is this woman that's bold and, and talking and, and upfront. And he said, I know, I've always known, you know, you, you've been a very positive person. He was like, but I could have never imagined this. And I said, it's always been something that I wanted to do. I just never did it because I was in the role of wife and mom. And so I'm putting everyone else first, except for myself. And what if I didn't step out? What if I didn't do it? Right.

[00:22:38] You know, I would never be where, where I am right now. And this to me is my dream is my dream come true. So, right. You just never know. But yeah, he's like, even my daughter, mom, who are you? Look at you go. But she loves it because she's always wanted to do, do things like this. And she said, I've always been afraid. And she said, and you're out there and, you know, my room is set up like a little studio. And she's just like, this is incredible.

[00:23:06] And so I, that's why I encourage, you know, women, people after, you know, divorce or after a life change, don't bury yourself with that situation. Don't get in the grave with that. You have to allow yourself to be reborn and move forward. Yeah. I think that, that is, that is a perfect way to just remember this whole thing. Now, Bri, you have kindly, and I can't believe how fast these conversations go.

[00:23:34] You have kindly offered a gift to the audience and to the listeners. And that is, they go to your website and there is an assessment that you have for people to do. Can you just tell us a little bit about that? Right. So the assessment allows you to answer a few questions and the questions are based off of, you know, just different, they have questions on intimacy and different things like that. But it's kind of like a assessment that kind of, that grounds you.

[00:24:02] And so once you take it, you, you learn from there. Okay. Do I really need to move in the direction of getting help from a life coach or from a, you know, a sexologist? Am I ready to do that? And depending on what the scores are, also let me know, okay, look, you, you're on the way to this right here would be something that will benefit you greatly. We can, we pinpoint where you need the guidance and then we're able to move forward from there. So it's not a, it's not a cookie cutter assessment. Right.

[00:24:31] It's more detailed than what it appears, but it does allow me to see, okay, these are some areas that would be beneficial for you to begin your path of, of thriving. I'm thriving and not just living in survival mode. Right. Fantastic. Bree, one last question before we get off the call here today. What is the best way if people are interested in learning more about what you do or working with you? What is the best way to contact you?

[00:24:57] You could go to my website at www.yourlifeafterdivorce.com. And then in there, I have a booking, a booking tab to where you can get a free 30 minute thriving call. Fantastic. So www.yourlifeafterdivorce.com. Perfect. And I will make sure that's in the show notes and as well as your contact information if people want to follow you on socials and that kind of stuff.

[00:25:24] So Bree, thank you so much for being here today and sharing all your wisdom and expertise. Thank you. I've really enjoyed this. Well, and I've enjoyed having you and I know everybody's enjoyed listening to all your words of wisdom. And thank you to the listeners today. And don't forget to tune in again to the next episode. Thanks for listening and supporting the D-SHIFT podcast.

[00:25:47] If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts, join the D Shift crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www.divorcecoachforwomen and click on the podcast page.