Is Your Life After Divorce Stuck in Park, Reverse, or Drive?

[00:00:04] Welcome to the D Shift Podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation, and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get this shift started.

[00:00:23] Hello, and welcome to this episode of the D Shift Podcast. And today we are going to talk all about creating the life that you want to live, whatever that looks like, after you're going through any kind of transition. So divorce, career, emptiness, my guest has covered it all, and she is going to be able to share her expertise with us.

[00:00:46] So I want to introduce you to Tracey Bee. She is the CEO and founder of Life and Career Transformation, LLC, and she has over three decades of experience driving personal growth and leadership development, organizational excellence, and workforce advancement. And she is a transformational life and executive coach certified by the John C. Maxwell Leadership Team and the Brave Thinking Institute. So Tracey Bee, welcome.

[00:01:17] Thank you. Thank you, Mardi. Thank you for welcoming me to your show. I'm so excited to have a conversation with you about the services I offer and how it could add value to your audience. Yeah. So before we do that, and that is a big part of what we're going to do today, but tell us a little bit about who you are and how you got into this space.

[00:01:42] Well, I always believe that my current situation now is part of my journey towards my own self-discovery. I think we all go through life trying to discover who we really are and what we're here for and what our purpose is, right? But it's different when you come from one country where people are in the same culture, the same way of living, same way of thinking,

[00:02:07] and then suddenly you find one, I find myself uprooted from that and find myself in a totally different culture. So that's all part of the transformation and transition. So I am familiar with that process. So one of the key points that I think plays a big role in this process is who I was before I left my country.

[00:02:34] You know, my country is a third world country with limited resources. I don't have, I never had any Barbie dolls. We didn't grow up in television and I grew up with eight siblings. So people had to be conscious of one another and the needs of each other. And the paradigm we lived with is the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one.

[00:03:01] It's always community-based oriented, not individual oriented. And so we were also taught not to be selfish or demand too much for ourselves because every time we make a demand, it affects everybody else in the whole, you know, community, whether it's a family or the bigger community. We're also taught not to boast about how good we are because you're supposed to be humble.

[00:03:30] You're supposed to just wait till people recognize your worth and wait for them to recognize it and don't blow your horn, right? And then we're also taught to really just not rock the boat, not cause so much trouble or cause conflict and try to avoid it as much as possible and just be happy and grateful for what we have. So in the context of my own culture and being with people who are also living the same values,

[00:03:56] it's not a problem because everybody's in same consciousness. The challenge comes is when you suddenly find yourself, when I finally found myself in New York City, which is a totally different culture. And I say this to everyone I talk to, for me, New York is like the Hollywood of the East Coast,

[00:04:21] where whoever speaks the loudest, whoever has the best technique for attracting attention to themselves is the one who gets the attention and is heard, right? It's also those who have the chutzpah to go out there and ask for what they want are the ones who get it, right? And so that's a totally different ballgame, which I'm not familiar with, nor do I know how to play.

[00:04:46] So I played safe, I played small, and because that's what I knew, that was what I was comfortable with, I didn't know how to navigate the system. And it was a survival mode. I was in a totally different culture, trying to just make both ends meet. But I noticed that as time went by, that I was really paying a high price for playing small and playing safe.

[00:05:10] Everyone else around me was being rapidly promoted or getting racist, that they asked for and deserved. Not necessarily because they were more experienced, okay? But it's because they knew how to ask, and they knew how to navigate the system. I found myself being left behind and wondering, what am I doing wrong? What's missing here, right?

[00:05:36] So I finally decided that maybe I'll cough up enough courage to just ask, not even for a raise, just for a sponsorship for a leadership program that I really would like to attend, because I felt it was the best way to really improve myself personally and professionally. And I got turned down. Boy, that really hurt. Yeah. I said, and the message for me was loud and clear.

[00:06:05] Why should we invest in you? What's in it for us? And what could you offer? I felt so belittled, so humiliated, and so undervalued and disrespected. I was just downtrodden going home that night, wondering what's the point of all of this. Right.

[00:06:31] You give your heart and soul, your loyalty, your hard work, dedication and commitment to one company. And after many years, you still do not get the recognition nor the reward that you were hoping for. Honestly, I wanted to quit.

[00:06:55] I was crying, and the next day when I woke up, there was a little voice in me that said, no, you are not going to quit. You have put up with this long enough, and it's time for change. And if it's meant to be, it's up to be. And I said, well, darn right. It's up to me now. Something's got to change, and it's up to me.

[00:07:22] I decided at that moment, I'm not going to depend on anyone else to validate what I'm worth, nor will I wait for someone else to approve or give me permission to be who I am and do what I would love. If no one else wants to invest in me, I will invest in my own personal and professional growth, because I believe I deserve it, and I'm worth it.

[00:07:52] That was a turning moment in my life, the moment I decided that. I felt a surge of strength and confidence in myself, and I did. I started to learn a transformational system that was teaching me how to think bravely, how to believe in my own self-worth, and most of all, how to act boldly. I felt good.

[00:08:18] As time went by, as I applied the principles gradually, consistently, every day, I started to see changes within myself. I was a happier human being, emotionally and mentally, and also physically healthier, because I took better care of myself. I paid more attention to what I needed, and I also learned to communicate better. I articulated to my husband what I needed, and it helped our relationship,

[00:08:48] because now he understood what I needed. Right. Prior to that, I was always quiet, because I didn't quite know how to express myself. He's an American, so he's very direct. Tell me what you want, and I get it. I said, that's not something I'm used to saying. Right. It was also a change. It improved my relationship. It helped me feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally.

[00:09:13] And that was the big result of just starting to discover and honor my own self-worth and value myself. But, you know, there was an even better result out of all of this. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at begin to change. That's Wayne Dyer. Right. My favorite author.

[00:09:40] And, of course, Mahatma Gandhi said, I said, I have to be the change you want to see in this world. Yes, exactly. Hey, this is my motto in life now. I have to be the change, because I can't wait for everybody else to change me. It's me. It's my decision. Right.

[00:10:01] And so the best result, I finally got offered the promotion and the raise that I deserve. Mind you, I didn't ask for it. I got offered it. And it's really powerful, because when we begin to change within ourselves and own up to our value, recognize our own value and really stand up for ourselves, the world recognizes that. Right.

[00:10:31] Not only do we gain self-respect, but the world responds accordingly. Yeah. That's how they offered me. And the best part is I also learned to determine my terms. I said, I'll only accept this promotion. Yeah. My condition. I work from home. I coach. And you better pay me what I'm worth. And they did. Yeah. I love that story.

[00:10:59] And I also love how beautifully that illustrates when we start believing in ourselves, other people recognize it. You can, whether you know a person or not, they can be very unassuming. Maybe they're not big and flashy and loud. But when they walk in the room, you can sense a person that knows their value and has confidence in themselves. And that makes so much difference. Yes.

[00:11:28] You walk in, you command respect. Yeah. And you're able to command what you want. It's a different, different sense of being, state of being. It's beautiful. And so I stayed in that position for two years. But you know, there was a bigger calling within my heart, Marty. I felt that there are probably many women, hardworking professionals like me who probably experienced this.

[00:11:58] Right? And not just professionals, but also people undergoing career change or transitions in life. Right. They go through this dilemma of, am I ready? Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes to take on this change? And then they're overwhelmed with self-doubt and fears of what the change would bring in. They hesitate. They vacillate.

[00:12:24] And sometimes all it needs is a little bit of a nudge to say, hey, you got this. You got what it takes. And so, but the decision has to come from that person. Right. Yes. And it's just a question of finding someone who believes in them so that they do start believing in themselves. And that's what we as coaches offer. Right. To be able to give that encouragement and saying, you know, mirror back that this is how beautiful you are.

[00:12:52] You may not see it because you're in the jar. You don't see what we see from outside. This is what we see. This is your beauty. This is your potential. This is your grace. And you have the capacity to really step outside of your comfort zone and conquer any setbacks, any challenges, any kind of even rejection. Okay. And heartaches that you may have. You can rise above it. Yeah. And you can thrive and become a stronger, better version of yourself.

[00:13:22] But you have to first harness that belief in yourself that you're worth it. You deserve that life you long for. Because if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. Yeah. Oh, this is such a great message. And I think the other thing that you just said that I think is really important, Bea, is what do you really want for yourself? And I think that's sometimes a problem because it's just like, I don't know what I want. I just don't want this anymore.

[00:13:50] And that's not going to work to move you forward. That's because what you think about, what you focus on, that's what you're going to bring into your life because that's the way the brain works. So, yeah. Exactly. And I'm glad you brought that up, Marty, because, in fact, sometimes I joke with my friends and said, transformation is my aim, but mind shift is my game. Yeah.

[00:14:14] So, if you change the way you look at things, whether it's yourself, the situation, the other person, or the challenge, the things you look at will begin to change. Yeah. It's all a question of mind shift. So, and I was sharing this also with someone and saying like, I think of it that, you know, many people in America drive a car, right? And there's a shift. That's the analogy I said. You have a choice which shift you're going to direct the car.

[00:14:44] If you stay in park, nothing moves forward, nothing moves backward. You're stuck in the same place. Right. If you choose to put the shift in the rear, you keep looking back and nothing happens because you keep moving the car backwards and you never move forward towards where you want to go.

[00:15:05] But if you decide to put the shift in the drive, then you're ready to go and move forward to wherever you want to go, whatever life you want to create for yourself. Yeah. It's the choice is in your mind and in your hand. Yeah.

[00:15:22] And I think, you know, I'm going back to your story when you were denied that sponsorship to go to that training that you went home and you were defeated and you didn't even want to continue on with your job. Well, that's really close to what happens in a divorce, right? You go through this relationship, you put all this time and effort into this. Then all of a sudden it's not there anymore. Whether you chose it or the other person chose it, it doesn't matter. You're dealing with this. This isn't here anymore.

[00:15:51] And a lot of people do put their gear shift in the reverse and try to go back to that relationship when that relationship doesn't even exist anymore. You need to, you know, you need to put it in drive and you need to get going forward. And I think your message is so powerful about this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And yes, because it's sort of, they were kind of thrown off course, right?

[00:16:19] This is something they held special. They've worked so hard, put their heart and soul into this marriage, hoping it would work. And it's all gone. Right. So now there's the loss, the emotional loss. It's almost like a grieving, right? It is. Yes. It's not the same as death, but you just grieve because you lost something that was precious and you were used to, but also precious at one point, right? Right.

[00:16:47] Then there's a question of what's my life about now? Because everything that I loved before no longer exists. And what I thought was my purpose before no longer exists, right? So there's this revisiting what my true identity is, what my real purpose is now. And then, do I even want to bother? This is also the motivation. Like, they're so discouraged from what happened in the past.

[00:17:12] Like you said, they focus on the mistakes of the past that they don't even have the energy to put the shift to drive. Right. Yeah. So they just put it in part, and then that's the most they could do. But even at part, they get stuck. They get stuck with looking back. And looking back doesn't hurt because there are two thieves in life. The first thief is the regrets of the past. The second thief is the fear of the future.

[00:17:39] So you can no longer enjoy even your present life, the gift of the present life, because you're always looking back, regretting, blaming, guilty, and shame, and everything else. And the future is afraid, hesitant, and indecisive because there's so much unknown about the future. Right.

[00:17:58] So what we could do is just help the person to say, what do you have now, and what can you do with what you have, with who you are, to move yourself forward to the next possible step? Yeah. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be this big, giant thing. It can just be a little tiny step. Yes, yes. You know, the smallest. What is that? Who talks about 1%?

[00:18:26] You just need to do 1% better every day to be making that forward progress. Exactly. 1% is better than none, right? Yeah. Or minus 1%. Some people are, like I say, some people are shifting backwards all the time. Exactly. I love this message. It's so, it's very inspirational, but it's also really grounded in that you have to make this choice. It's not going to be made for you. Coach can't make it for you.

[00:18:56] Therapist can't make it for you. It's got to be your spouse can't, your kids can't, your boss can't. It's got to be you making that decision to make these changes. Yes. And sometimes, because people have been hurt so much, they build so many walls. The hurt of separation, abandonment, disappointment, betrayal, all these things build up, that they build so many walls around their hearts, distrust built in, and there's nothing.

[00:19:25] And they get themselves stuck, bound by those walls that they built around themselves, that they no longer can breathe and enjoy life. And sometimes, before a person can even move forward, it takes a little bit of healing to be able to remove those layers of anger, unforgiveness, hatred, self-blame.

[00:19:50] You know, all these things, guilt, shame, all those layers so that one can finally be free and see things more clearly and see possibilities instead of problems. And then once that person goes through that healing process, then I'm still alive. I still have a life ahead of me. I can still go forward. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And there's so much to look forward to.

[00:20:17] So that's part of the whole process, I think, that the people need to go through. In fact, one of the things that I'm excited about is where it's off topic, but it's related. You know, there's a summit that we're organizing for August 18. It's called The Rise of the Feminine Genius because it's based on the premise that there's so much healing needed in the world among each and every person we meet and even within ourselves,

[00:20:45] that we need to gather together all those gifted individuals who have the gift of healing of the heart, the healing of relationship, the healing of the mind, the emotions, the healing of their energy, the physical healing, the spiritual healing, and offer that to the world. We're here to help. Right. How can we help?

[00:21:07] And I think that that's really only because there's so much going on in the world right now that's making everybody unsettled and unsafe. Yeah. That I think we can make a decision also to be part, to counter that with making the decision to be, what can I do to be part of the healing movement? Yeah. And again, a choice that we make to be a part of that.

[00:21:33] Tracey Bee, this has been, and I know we could talk for a long time because I just, I enjoy this so much. Unfortunately, we're out of time for today. That's okay. But I do want to ask you one last question, and that is, if people are interested in learning more about your work in helping transform people from feeling stuck to feeling, having a clear vision and getting their car going down the highway at 110 miles an hour if they want to go that fast,

[00:22:01] what is the best way to reach out and work with you or find out more about what you do? Well, schedule an appointment to meet with me. I have a complimentary 45-minute strategy call. You'll be able to discover what it is that you truly want and create a blueprint for that.

[00:22:21] And then also identify the gaps between where you are now and where you're going and get the basics of a roadmap on how to get there. And so you can find that in my website, life-career-transformation.com. And everything is there. You can set the appointment or call me or also there's a free gift there too. Wonderful. How lovely. So I'm going to make sure that that gets in the show notes.

[00:22:51] Bea, thank you so much for generously sharing your story and really giving, this is a very uplifting and inspirational podcast. So if you're listening, I hope you found it inspirational because I sure did. And Bea, thank you so much for being here today. Well, thank you, Marty, for what you do to help people start life anew. Well, thank you. And thank you, everyone, for listening in to this episode of The D Shift.

[00:23:20] And don't forget to tune in again to the next episode. Thanks for listening and supporting The D-Shift Podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts, join The D-Shift Crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www.divorcecoachforwomen and click on the podcast page. Thank you.