Don’t Wait Until Divorce Is Over to Start Creating What Comes Next

[00:00:04] Welcome to the D Shift Podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation, and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get this shift started.

[00:00:21] Hello and welcome to the D Shift Podcast, and I am so happy to interview two amazing divorce coaches. I want to introduce you to Lori Bryant Woolridge. She has a whole bunch of credentials behind her name. I'm going to get her to explain that in a second, but she is a love and relationship coach and certified by ICF.

[00:00:43] Lauren Yellen Weinberg has a whole bunch of degrees behind her name as well, and she is also, what she's here today to talk about is her female power and well-being coach, and Lauren is also a national board certified health and wellness coach and certified happiness coach. So, let's dive into, because that was just a little glimpse of what the amazingness that you two bring to this, to your program for women.

[00:01:11] Lori, I'm going to ask you to go first. If you wouldn't mind, tell us a little bit about who you are and how you got into this particular area of service. Sure. So, I am, as you said, a certified love and relationship coach. I'm also a spiritual teacher and author and, you know, jack of all trades in a lot of ways.

[00:01:32] I've been coaching for about 20 years. And my niche is really love and teaching mainly women how to find and fall in love with themselves and then how they can build a healthy, fulfilling relationships with themselves and then with other people in their lives. And I've been doing that, like I said, for about 20 years and loving it.

[00:01:57] But then when I got about 20 years into my marriage, I found out that I was there out of habit and not so much happiness. But I was too afraid to leave my marriage like most people are in the beginning. But I spent about 10 years watching other people, much braver than I am, go through the process. And I noticed a lot of things. One, that most of them were focused on the fight and not their future.

[00:02:26] That they were really focused on the fear that was driving them and that fear that things weren't going to be fair. And I watched how that clouded everything. And so I decided when I was finally ready to pull the trigger that I was going to coach myself through a better divorce for me.

[00:02:53] And that's how our program, Fab, really got started. I literally put together a 10-day retreat for myself to look, go through all the emotions, the fear, the shame, the guilt and all of that. So I could put that aside, honor it, put it aside. And then I focused on what I wanted out of my divorce, what my vision was for not only my divorce, but my future. And then hit the ground running.

[00:03:22] So I had, in my research, found that divorce is 15% legal and 85% emotional. And so doing that work, and that really tracked with what I was seeing with my friends. So doing that work, Fab was born. And I used it with my clients. But then I met Lauren. And one of the things that makes the program so special is that it's not just about going through the divorce,

[00:03:50] but it's setting you up for what's after the divorce. And so I'll let Lauren tell you a little bit about what she brings to the party. Amazing. So, Mardi, thank you so much for having us. We love to get to talk about your Fab divorce. So I'm actually a psychologist and a family therapist by training. I have not been divorced, but I went through a transition of my own.

[00:04:15] I was home for nearly 20 years before I decided to go back to work in my mid-50s and retool and rework what I was bringing to the world. And that turned out to lead to me becoming the board-certified health and wellness coach and happiness coach. But Lori and I really overlap on our idea about love.

[00:04:42] And when you are relating to yourself and to the world through love, everything suddenly becomes possible. And that's where I landed with my work. So my work outside of Fab, I have a coaching accelerator called Shine.

[00:05:00] And that is all centered on helping women love and accept themselves, see the possibilities for the future, like turn down the noise in their head and really lead with a loving energy so that they, as I like to say, light up the world around them. And I also think it's amazing a lot. So I love the fact that you dropped the word amazing. You must have been feeling the vibe for that. But that Shine program is what I bring to your fab divorce.

[00:05:30] And I think it's so important because, sure, when people first find us, they are really caught up in the fear and the discomfort of what the divorce means for them. Lori and I like to say they're sort of stuck in that tunnel of fear. And if you stay in that tunnel, if you stay anchored with anger and with uncertainty, it's hard to get to the other side.

[00:06:00] And so all the mindset work that Lori put together to help keep people focused on, okay, let's move forward. Let's develop the mindset and the tools that you need to move forward. We married that with my Shine work, which is all about learning to love yourself, to know yourself, and most of all, to trust yourself. Because when you trust yourself, then you feel like you can figure anything out, right?

[00:06:30] So even though there's so much uncertainty, when you learn to trust yourself, you're like, you know what? I can do this. I'll figure it out. I'll keep moving. And then you begin to shine that light from within. So you don't have to wait to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. You become the light. And that's why we're so excited about this program. I also want to just add a little bit about that because, you know, gray divorce is like 40% of the divorce rate now.

[00:06:57] And people that are going through gray divorce have been married for 30 plus years or so. And that's one of the things and one of the really fine and important parts of your fab divorce is that most of these women are coming out of their marriages without a clue as to who they really are. Because they never have the chance to develop and know themselves, to define themselves outside of the roles of mother, wife, you know, all of that.

[00:07:26] So that's one of the things that we really embrace as we're getting you through this divorce. In the most fabulous way that you can and getting you ready to flourish in your freedom. You are learning about who you are becoming in a way that you probably haven't ever even considered before going through this divorce. So it's a way to make divorce work for you and not something that's just done to you.

[00:07:52] And I can't stress enough how much this is a factor that I don't think women in particular prepare for. I call it and because I mostly deal with very high conflict divorce situations. So this is not your kind of amicable. We have a little discussion around the finances. We can't agree on who gets a 401k, who gets the IRA. Like it's not that kind of a divorce.

[00:08:18] It's kind of like the ones that you see splashed across the tabloids tend to be my kind of divorces that seem to end up with me. And but at the same time, so many of the women, like you said, Lori, they've been married for so many years. They maybe got married right out of college or some even high school. Because, you know, if you're talking 40 years in the past, that wasn't that uncommon. And they have never, ever developed themselves as a person.

[00:08:47] Not because that's a deficit. It's because they were so giving and they were caring for kids and they were caring for their spouse. And they were, you know, doing so many things for so many people that somehow they just got left themselves in the dust. Yeah. They assumed the roles they had to take. And so when they're coming through this divorce process, it's an even more fearful thing.

[00:09:13] Because everything that you has given you to support and stability and comfort, even though it may not be that comfortable and it may not be that healthy, is all now, as we say, on shifting sands. And so it's an even more debilitating period because you're leaving what you thought you knew and you have no idea where you're going.

[00:09:39] And in the middle of that, you don't know who you are, what you're doing or what you're supposed to do. So that's really what the beauty of your FAP divorce is. It's bringing you through a divorce process that hopefully takes care of that 85% of the emotionality. It gets, you know, keeps you in the past, keeps you in conflict. But it's also priming you to who you're becoming so you can step out of that courtroom ready, ready to roll, ready to flourish, as we like to say.

[00:10:10] Yeah, I think that one of the things that really makes the program stand out is, well, as we like to say, we help you heal while you deal. And so we're not like getting you through the divorce and then waiting for everything else to happen afterward. You're really learning about yourself, discovering yourself and discovering how to handle your own emotions as you're walking through the process.

[00:10:35] And we start the program right away in class one by building that emotional safety net where we give tools that people can use right away to start to feel better. And then we build on that. I mean, you talked about the acrimony that many of your clients have and, you know, holding on to that anger. And we deal with it. We deal with all the hard topics because we truly believe that, like, you have to feel all your feelings. That's how you get through them. But you don't just feel them.

[00:11:05] You work your way through them. We have a whole process for working your way through your emotions so that you're learning from them. You're growing through having them. And I think what so many women do when they're going through divorce just out of fear and self-protection is they just stuff everything away. And they numb themselves. And they're just trying to, like, get through one more day. And by having these tools, people are really able to take charge.

[00:11:33] They're taking control back in their life. And that's what helps them feel better because that's the uncertainty. Like, what's going to happen to me? Right? But by owning that control, they start to really feel more like themselves than maybe they have in a long time. Yeah. And I hear this all the time. And I don't know if, Lori and Lauren, if you hear this as well. But I get so many clients that say, I don't want to deal with all of this stuff. I want to deal with the finances, the legal.

[00:12:05] And most of them don't have to worry about children because most of my clients have adult kids or they're in their late teens. They're, you know, they're one or two years out of launching on their own. So it's the co-parenting thing is not typically a big thing for my clients. But the, you know, they just want to get their heads down. They just want to deal with the really bad behavior of their ex. They want to, you know, deal with the finances and the legal.

[00:12:32] And then if they don't deal with the emotions, they get through the divorce. And then they go through what I call, I call it the post-divorce void where it's just like, oh my gosh, what am I doing? I don't, it's like, I don't have to get up in the morning and gird my loins to go do battle with the legal system or my ex or whatever. It's just like everything, it's empty. And then things like depression and loneliness and lack of purpose all like come flooding in.

[00:13:02] And it's such a negative experience instead of a positive one. Absolutely. And when you're going through the gray divorce in particular, you don't have time to waste. I mean, I watched so many of my friends who they survived their divorce. That's all they were trying to do, survive their divorce and get what was fair, get what was meant for them. And then that void hits. But that they, I know people still divorce six and seven years that have not recovered.

[00:13:31] And when you're getting divorced, I got divorced at 61. I didn't want to spend another 10 years trying to figure out. Right. So that is the beauty. And one of the things I do want to say about the adult children thing is, yes, many of us get divorced and our children are divorced or adults.

[00:13:49] But the grief, the shifting roles, the loyalty conflicts, the shattered family foundations, all of that are something that have to be dealt with that are going along with your family and the disruption of your family. And that's one of the things that we really try to bring into the picture as well.

[00:14:15] So if you might, I would love to tell you some things that you out there who are thinking about divorce can take away from the fab divorce right now and understand how changing your mindset at this time to say, I'm not just going to survive my divorce, but I'm going to thrive as best I can through it so that I can flourish on the other end. And one of the things, the whole program is built on three baseline truths.

[00:14:45] And what the first is, you are the co-creator of both the rise and the demise of your relationship. And so the ownership that comes for that, the responsibility that comes for that, but more important, that's what gives you control. Because you cannot change one thing about your spouse and what they did or didn't do. Not one thing. The only place that you are empowered to make change for good is in your own space.

[00:15:12] So when you realize that you had a part in playing in this relationship, that puts you into a position of to do, not to just react, right? The second kind of baseline truth is you both did the best you could. You both loved and were there and as partners, the best of your capabilities.

[00:15:36] The truth is either for them or for you, but really for both of you, each one of your best was not enough. Because if it was, you'd still be together. And recognizing that giving them grace, giving yourself grace is another thing that takes you out of that victim mentality. And as long as you stay in the victim mentality, the longer your life is never going to be your own.

[00:16:05] So when we talk about flourishing and your freedom, it's not just the divorce. It's the freedom from the mindset that somehow you were victimized. Somehow you weren't enough. Somehow they did you wrong. So on those baseline truth, you're a co-creator. Everybody did the best that they could. You're not a victim. Then we build this mindset and we call it the fab mindset. So get a pencil and write this down because this is important for you out there to recognize.

[00:16:34] Because your mind creates, your thoughts create your reality. Okay, so the mindset is easy. It's an acronym that's easy to remember so you can pull it out in whatever situation. The first is focus. Focus on the now. Focus on the present. Focus on not the shoulda, coulda, wouldas of the past or the what might could happen in the future.

[00:16:59] Stay focused on your self, your goals, your vision, what you want and need. The second is accept. We have a mantra that goes with that, which keep your eye on the prize. So focus and keep your eye on the prize. The second is accept. Accept what is. Accept who they are. Accept who you are. Accept the situation as is.

[00:17:26] And with that acceptance hopefully comes forgiveness at some point. Even if the first step is forgiving yourself. And with that mantra is everybody's doing the best that they can. And so we're going to give each other grace. And the third is to be bendable. To be flexible. Because we like to say stay, you know, focus and stay steadfast on the vision but flexible on the details.

[00:17:55] And so, again, what you can't control, let it roll. What you can control, what you know is important to you, stay focused on that. Accept the realities and stay bendable. And so with those three things, every time you come into the situation, if you know, okay, so what do I need to focus on? And he or she is doing busy doing this and throwing roadblocks here and blah, blah, blah.

[00:18:24] What can I control? You know, what I can't control, I'm letting it go. What I know is I'm saying focus on my divorce vision, which is the second thing that is a big. What do you want your divorce to look like? What do you want your after divorce? What is your main goal? For me, my marriage was dead, but I want to keep my family intact.

[00:18:48] So that meant decisions I made, things that I let slide because I knew that this was my ultimate focus. And then so that divorce vision becomes your blueprint and it's based on intentionality. And when you have intention, that's going to inform your goals. And the third is you who do you need to be in the moment? Pre-divorce, you need to be the strategist.

[00:19:17] You need to be thinking about what you want, what's the reality, all those kind of things. In the legal process, you need to be the pragmatist. Focus on what is real, what's doable, what's rational. And the third is always through it all, be the optimist. You are not the victim, you are the victor. And the fourth is who are you becoming? Who do you want to be? And that's why I'm going to turn that over to Lauren for some of her.

[00:19:48] I know, I know, I know of tick tock, tick tock. We must be running short on time. But I just, I want to remind people that transitions are incredible opportunities. When things break apart, we have the opportunity to build them up in new and better ways. And divorce is a transition. It's part of your path of life. It's just part of your story. And you get to create your next chapter on your terms.

[00:20:17] So see it if you can as an opportunity. One thing we really like to say at FAB is that life happens for you, not to you. And it may be hard to see it in the moment, but while people have their pencil in their hands, write it down. This is happening for me, not to me. That there's something that you are going to grow deeper, better, stronger.

[00:20:43] There's going to be so many blessings that you find in your next chapter that never would have happened had you been going on the road that you were on. So if you can remember that, then who you are becoming is something to look forward to and not something to fear. Yeah. And I love this. And I so appreciate, Lori. Thank you for your summary of this. And Lauren, I absolutely believe what you're saying. I recently completed a training.

[00:21:12] We did a lot of NLP work. We did a lot of hypnotherapy. And we did some timeline therapy. And basically, one of the sayings that our facilitators had was you can stay on victim island or you can move yourself to solution city. But you can't live on victim island and find a solution for your problems. And this is where I think another thing that I'd like to get both of your opinion on this. And we're going to go a little longer because we've got two people.

[00:21:40] And this is such a fascinating conversation and such a positive conversation. Um, the, the whole idea of you. Yes. This all makes sense when you're listening to three coaches talk about it and you're like, oh yeah, this is no problem. I can just sit down. I've got these notes, these three things that Lori gave me. But here's the thing. You are who you are. And no matter where you go, there you are. And you can't see what you can't see about yourself.

[00:22:10] And this is where going through a program or working with a coach or even having a best friend who's going to be able to hold space, um, you know, highlight that mirror when you're saying things and doing things that don't, that aren't meshing or sinking. This is why it's so important to do this. Lauren, go ahead. Yeah, no. So, you know, you talk about a best friend and with all the best intentions. And you certainly want people in your corner who are like, you're awesome.

[00:22:38] And he's not, you know, but you have to be careful because it can sort of maintain that mindset and it can really stoke the anger. And that's why joining a program is so powerful. So our program is a self-study program. You can go through, you get videos, you get workbooks. And I'm not saying these workbooks are easy. Our clients tell us it's challenging, but it's forcing them to do something they never would have done on their own. And they're so grateful for it.

[00:23:08] It is deep work, but that's how you really blossom into your next stage of being. You do the deep work. But the good part is that we also have the opportunity to join. You see it here on our screens for anybody who can't see us on the podcast. It says flourish group, uh, for freedom to flourish. Our flourish group is live, uh, twice a month groups that people can come join. And we get to talk it out.

[00:23:36] We get to talk about what everybody's experiencing and see where they're falling into the same pitfalls that they've always fallen into. And we help them build those bridges so they can walk over those pitfalls or walk around them and not fall in next time. What we don't do, we don't engage in any kind of partner bashing or victim thinking. Like we call it out because this is about moving forward and owning your capacity to do more and not repeating the same behaviors.

[00:24:04] So people love that flourish group. They really, they say that it's a lifeline for them. Yeah. And I do so. Oh, sorry. Go ahead, Lori. Oh, I was going to say, we also have a third tier where you get the self-paced work, the flourish group and one-on-one coaching with Lauren and I. Yeah. So we've got you covered no matter who you are and how you know yourself to work in. Wonderful. And you have kindly offered an amazing gift for our listeners.

[00:24:33] Can you just, one of you tell us a little bit about the gift and what that's going to unlock for people? It's called Your Divorce Survival Toolkit. It is available through our website at freedom-toflourish.com. Just check on the bottom of the page. You will absolutely find it on each page and it gets you started. It's what you need to just get started and keep your mindset, start tweaking those mindsets,

[00:25:03] start to introduce the idea that this is something happening for you and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So it's everything you need to get started and start feeling better right away. And that is fantastic because sometimes people just need that little experience of what it would be like to be in your group and then to work with you all. And it just, it's a great introduction. And maybe for some people, it's kind of all they need at that point. And then I find that quite often.

[00:25:33] People aren't quite ready yet. But you can also go on the website and take a preview of the first lesson. You can see part of the video and you get a few workbook pages so you can get a chance to see what you're getting into. Great. We kept the program itself, I think, very affordable. I mean, this program is probably worth thousands of dollars. You can't imagine how much heart and soul Lori and I poured into this work. But it's just a few hundred dollars.

[00:26:02] But we have some like, we have a boundary setting blueprint for only, I think, $7. And we have a gorgeous program that Lori developed called the Joy Reboot. And it's taking yourself on like a staycation and working through, rinsing out all the emotional baggage, like wringing it all out and clearing it the path. So you can allow joy to come back into your life. And that's incredibly affordable as well. Wonderful. Yeah. So go take a look at the resources.

[00:26:30] I'll make sure all of this stuff is in the show notes. One quick last word from both of you, if you don't mind. What's one piece of advice, like a 30 second snippet piece of advice that you would give to anybody listening that's going through divorce? Well, I'll say just trust who you're becoming. The universe doesn't make mistakes. You are meant to grow and learn and challenge yourself in life. So trust who you were becoming.

[00:27:01] And I would say, you know, when you're in that tunnel, that divorce tunnel, where it feels like you, who you are, your role, who you know yourself to be is there to die. Your role as wife, as partner, to die. It's easy to get stuck in that place. But I would ask you to consider rethinking that instead of a tunnel, let's think about it as an

[00:27:26] incubator, a place where you can be to recreate yourself, to rebirth yourself and take all that you've learned in those roles and go get through that tunnel and come through it to see the life that's changed and not just changed, but transformed in a way that is authentically, beautifully you in a way you've never met yourself. Perfect way to wrap this up.

[00:27:56] Thank you both. I so appreciate this. I love the idea of your fab program. And definitely, if you're listening, go grab the free gift and check out everything that Lori and Lauren are doing. Thank you both for being on the podcast today and sharing all your insight, expertise and wisdom. Thanks for having us. And thank you everybody for listening into this episode of the D Shift. And don't forget to tune in to the next one.

[00:28:26] Thanks for listening and supporting the D-Shift podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts, join the D-Shift crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www.divorcecoachforwomen and click on the podcast page.