Divorce After 50: Your Life Isn't Over, It's Yours Again

[00:00:04] Welcome to the D Shift Podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get this shift started.

[00:00:22] Hello and welcome to this episode of the D Shift Podcast. And today we're going to talk all about the fact that it is never too late to find connection, to get support, to get help and to create the life that you want to lead. And I have the perfect expert to do this with Dr. Tamara Monosoff. It has an MA in marriage and family therapy and therapy and a doctorate in women in leadership.

[00:00:49] And I don't want to share a whole lot more about Dr. Tamara. I want her to tell you about some of the things that she has done. So welcome. Thank you so much for having me. I'm really happy to be here with you. Well, and I'm happy to have you on the podcast because I think this is an area that we don't talk about enough and how women supporting women really is very important getting through some of these major life transitions.

[00:01:14] So before we get into all that, Dr. Tamara, tell us a little bit about how you got to this point in your career and doing what you love to do now. Right. So, well, I was married for 38 years and didn't expect for it to end suddenly. And it did. And what I realized is that how much of my identity was wrapped up in nearly 40 years of my life with my marriage,

[00:01:44] building the family, building the family. And yes, I had another business and did all these other things. But it was so devastating, honestly, that I really went inward and realized, wow, I would have healed, I think, so much more quickly if I had had a community, a sisterhood where we could talk about these real things.

[00:02:10] Because I found that after all these years, it took me almost five years to recover. And how I felt so much shame about the marriage not working out. What could I have done differently? And, you know, I should have been able to fix it somehow. You know, and I realize now, of course, that, you know, it's not it's a partnership and it has to have two people who are wanting to do this.

[00:02:34] But I created the sisterhood that I felt like I needed as I was going through the healing process myself. Yeah. And also, yeah. And realizing, too, that, you know, it's really feels there's so much fear and aloneness. And it doesn't have to be that way, that there's so many women going through this as well, and that we aren't talking about it.

[00:03:00] And how do we heal and how do we come out the other side, figuring out who we are and what we want? And how do we redesign our lives in a way that we never imagined possible? Right. And I think that's the key. You know, that whole idea of especially if you go through the gray divorce, which whether, you know, depending on where you read, that's either 50, 55, something like that.

[00:03:23] But it's typically 50 and up. That's the biggest growing demographic for divorces filed in the United States and Canada right now. And that is for a lot of people. That's shocking because people say, well, you've been together for, you know, 20, 30 years. Why would you possibly get get divorced? And the reality is there's a lot of there's a lot of very good reasons why divorce works for people or sometimes like yourself.

[00:03:51] You didn't want the divorce that's, you know, was done to you. It wasn't it wasn't in any way anything, probably a mutual close to a mutual decision. And whether you decide to do the divorce or it gets done to you, it's still this huge identity shift that happens. It really is. And I don't even think that people realize what a huge identity shift it is.

[00:04:15] And especially as women, if you, you know, I was the one that was nurturing everyone, making sure the family was taken care of. My spouse was taken care of. I mean, I wasn't even on my list. I felt like I was, you know, because then I was also taking care of my parents and then, of course, trying to maintain friendships and working and all the things that we do.

[00:04:38] And so for me, I didn't even really I didn't realize that I didn't even know what I wanted because I never asked myself that question. I was always running and preparing and helping and doing for everyone else. Yeah. And I think a lot of women find themselves in that position. And then suddenly for me, 38 years later, like four decades of my life, suddenly gone almost overnight. I just remember being in my house. I didn't even know what to do.

[00:05:06] And one of the things that I kept asking in my journal in the morning and I would just say, what do I want? What do I want? And I could not answer the question. Yeah. And that was so shocking to realize that I here I am, you know, after all these years at and I don't know personally what I want. And so it takes that it now then takes time to figure that out on the other side of divorce. Yeah. And I always talk to my clients.

[00:05:34] Now, my clients are in a slightly different position because I tend to deal with the high conflict divorce situation. So not only are they dealing with this identity shift, but they're battling a highly toxic, corrosive, highly litigious person on the other side. And then once they get through it, I call it the post-divorce void where there's just this sense of what am I supposed to be doing now? Exactly what you said.

[00:06:01] And not even, you know, I've had clients who were like, I don't even know where I want to live. Like, I don't even know if I want to buy a house or if I want to, you know, move to an adults only community or if I want to just rent for a year and try out a bunch of different places. And it's so overwhelming to try to make all these decisions when you've spent all your life making decisions, thinking about everybody else in your environment.

[00:06:29] That's spot on because it's so true. And you don't even necessarily know what you want. And so one of the things that I've been, I've practiced myself and that I'm encouraging others to do is to try new things that maybe you thought about even before your marriage. Like, oh, I would love to try how to, you know, try dancing or I'd love to try, you know, a business class.

[00:06:51] Or to really allow yourself the freedom to, and be brave to sign up for that class that may feel awkward or uncomfortable. Like, you just feel like, oh gosh, how am I going to do that? I don't know anything about it. But I'm telling you that that was one of the biggest healing part of my healing. And I'm finding that it is for other women as well.

[00:07:14] And it not only puts you out there trying something that you've been interested in, but it's a great way to meet like-minded people to create new friendships that you never normally would have met. And so, and that's one of the things that I did is I started to experiment with those things. Now, at first, going through the grief, just letting yourself, you just need to let yourself grieve. Right.

[00:07:38] And, you know, and cry your eyes out and all the dreams and all the things that you had in terms of your relationship or your family. You just have, there's no timeline. Like, you have to just go through your own process. And I think, you know, well-meaning friends and family sometimes will say things that are very hurtful. Like for me, it took me five years after almost a four-decade marriage. It took me five years to heal. And I felt so bad about that too, right? Because I was like, oh my gosh, I should be able to get over this. What's my problem, right?

[00:08:06] You know, it's turning again against yourself. But I think that what's really important is that we allow ourselves time to get to know ourselves and to discover our interests. And so one of the things that I had dreamed of when I was 12 is moving to Europe. And I thought I could either pay rent in Afropos divorce. I could pay rent in the U.S.

[00:08:30] Or I could go maybe pursue that dream that I had secretly kind of imagined that that could be possible. That was absolutely not even a possibility within the marriage. And so we're talking right now and I'm in Portugal. So I actually let go of all of my belongings, really, and took one suitcase and moved here. And it has transformed my life. Now, that may not be a dream for everyone. But the other thing is like you can do small things that are actually big.

[00:09:00] Like I signed up for a dance class. As a 60-year-old woman, I am in a line dancing class and loving every minute of it. And realized I was laughing again and I hadn't laughed in so long. You know, and then the friends that people in the class are like, hey, do you want to go have coffee? Yeah, let's do it. And so it opens up all of these new avenues of connection by stepping out and trying these things that maybe you secretly have always wanted to try.

[00:09:26] And I think that's the whole idea of having a group that's going to support you and that are there not to push you into doing stuff you don't want to do, but to encourage you when you say, yeah, you know, I've got an idea. I'd like to do this. I just actually I just did an interview with a lady who used to be a therapist and she's now becoming a travel coach for women because she feels like intentional travel.

[00:09:52] That's that's what she's going to call herself and intentional travel is really to expand that horizon, to go someplace safe, someplace that you feel comfortable. And maybe she said, maybe that's just going to the next town and renting an Airbnb for the first weekend and trying that out before you get on a plane and take one suitcase and fly. But there's you know, there's so many things that we can do. And and I'm also in my 60s.

[00:10:20] And one of the things that I found my husband, my second husband passed away in 2017. And I'm not interested right now in a relationship in any way, state or form. And I'm just really happy having a lot of friends and doing a lot of things that I've wanted to do. And you're right. Sometimes your friends and family, however, well, you should be dating. You should be in a relationship. You know, you don't have that much longer. You don't want to be alone forever. And I'm thinking, so what if I do want to be alone forever? You can be alone and not lonely. Right.

[00:10:50] That's the difference. And I think that is the difference. And what happens is when you start to discover what you love and what makes you feel joy and happy, then you get to choose like how you spend your time and who you want to be with. And it like changes everything. Yeah.

[00:11:09] And that's what I have found is now on the other side of this and now working with other women who are going through this as well is that we're discovering parts of ourselves that, you know, we didn't even know existed. Right. And yes, you're right. It's a choice. You can date people. You cannot date people. I mean, I just started dating for the first time and after four decades.

[00:11:30] And it's really interesting because I'm not approaching it in the same way than I did when I was, you know, 21 and wanted to plan a life with this person. Now I'm just like, huh, let's just go have dinner. Yeah. Yeah. You know, let's go have, you know, let's go out dancing or whatever. Like it's not, it's so different at this age and you really get to direct the way you want to live. And it's, it's, it's liberating actually. Yeah.

[00:11:59] It's funny. You mentioned about getting rid of all your possessions. I've had, so I had three clients in the last, since January that have made the decision post divorce that they are not going to maintain a residence and they have bought motorhomes and their goal. And now there's three completely separate women. They don't know each other, but they are spending the next two years traveling the United States and Canada. And then one of them wants to go into like Latin America and drive around.

[00:12:28] So there's so many opportunities and I don't know about you, but I feel more competent and confident now than I ever did. Even in my thirties and forties. Like I just feel like, yeah, if I want to get on a plane and go somewhere, I'm good with that. I'll, I don't mind eating in restaurants by myself. I have great books. I can sit and read them, you know, and I don't know why it's hard for me to understand how some women are so scared of doing some of these things.

[00:12:59] But I also understand if you've been in a relationship where that has not been something that's a possibility. It is a very foreign concept, but once you do it, and if you feel you're supported when you do it, it's like, it's like opening Pandora's box, right? Then all of a sudden you've got a whole bunch of other things you want to do. It's so true. And it is, you know, I do think that, you know, within the relationship, if especially, it depends on your relationship that you had with your spouse.

[00:13:27] Mine was actually had a lot of emotional abuse. And so I felt like it really kept me smaller than I am now. Now I'm just like, all right, I'm going to try it. I'm going to, I'm going to take that class. I'm going to sign up for this. I'm going to go visit that friend in that, you know, visit her and her in a different country. And yeah, it is. It's just like, it's like this whole awakening, you know.

[00:13:53] And if for people who are married, I mean, I think there's an opportunity if you're, if you, both of you are open and willing to be partners and actually talk about these things. I realized in terms of my part is that I was always trying to please everybody and take care of and create peace and balance in the household, which was such a restricted, you know, life that now I just feel like I don't have, I have none of that. I still, of course, have my daughters who I absolutely adore. Right.

[00:14:21] But it's like they're adults now and it is really exciting. Like I'm genuinely excited about every day. Like, wow, what, what can I do with my life now? What do I want to create? Who do I want to be? Yeah. And who do I want to surround myself with? And I love this whole thing. I had a friend too who told, who rented an RV. She's 65 and she was like, I'm taking myself on a trip. And she was his after divorce. And she said she had the time of her life in that RV going to all the places.

[00:14:50] And that was another thing she said that stuck in my mind. She goes, there was no conversation about where we were going and which direction to take. I got to go wherever I wanted. And she had so much fun. You know, talking about, talking about things, I had a, another client. And I also had a friend who did this a few years ago. Took motorcycle lessons.

[00:15:14] And then they, they went on a, I didn't know there was even these things, but you can like go on tours and there's all women tours or there's, you know, couples tours or there's singles tours. But you literally get on your motorcycle and you ride for, you know, you make the decision you're riding across the United States or you're going like within your state or whatever you're doing. And it was fascinating because it was, it was kind of like, like a cruise, but you're riding a motorcycle, right?

[00:15:43] So they had accommodations set up and they had, you know, fancy restaurants and, and like food trucks that you went to. And both of them loved it. And it was their interest. They met a lot of like-minded people. And one of them met her future soon to be a husband on, on one of those excursions. So I think the world is changing. You know, even 20, 30 years ago, 60 year old women were supposed to be sitting on the porch, knitting Afghans and talking to their cats. Right.

[00:16:12] I mean, that was what you were supposed to be doing. And now women are opening businesses. They're traveling. They're setting up nonprofits. They're creating amazing organizations within their community. Or they're sitting on the porch, knitting Afghans and talking to their cats. Whatever they want to do, they can do it. But that's what I love is that we have the total freedom to design our lives the way that we want to. And I love that you brought up that story too about, you know, traveling on the motorcycles

[00:16:42] because it, it really just takes some bravery and signing up for that, whatever the thing is and trying something new. And also something that I think that it became a practice for me because I had become so insulated and, you know, didn't feel like I was, it was harder to meet people because I was like, oh my gosh, you know, it just feels, can feel overwhelming to step out. Right.

[00:17:08] But what I was practicing and now I have other of my clients are practicing too is, I know this is sounds so simple, but honestly, it's amazing. And just saying hello and smiling. And it is amazing what can happen when you do that. And I have now created so many unexpected friendships, even someone I'm dating now, seriously, all from just saying hello in a cafe. Like, and just smiling, saying hello.

[00:17:36] And then some people are going to engage and some people are not. But it's just amazing how something so simple, like you don't have to go move to a different country. You can. And I did. But the, but also just the simplest little changes in the way that you're communicating can really transform your life. Yeah. And I, I so appreciate that. We're, and these conversations go so quickly. Tell us a little bit about your group.

[00:18:02] So, uh, Dr. Tamara, I don't want to, um, I don't want to go too long without talking a little bit about your group or your sisterhood support group. Yes. Thank you. Yeah. It's called She's Not Done Yet. And it's so important. Like when I say she's not done yet, I feel it with all my bones because that's how I feel. It's kind of what you were talking about too. Like we're in our sixties and we're like, what are we doing? Where are we going? And what are we going to create?

[00:18:27] And so it's a sisterhood for women who are going through or recovering from or healing from gray divorce, uh, over 50 and really being there and speaking in a real and honest way about wherever we are in the process. So talking about the grief, the fear, all the things that we, you know, many of the things you're talking about when you're going through the divorce, but then also like who are discovering yourself and who do you want to be?

[00:18:57] And creating a really safe space where, what I call a sisterhood where we come together and we're just honest. We don't have to pretend like we're fine when we're not. You can show up if you're in your sweats and you've been crying your eyes out, we're here. So it's, it's really a sisterhood to support women through the process so we can speak honestly and redesign our lives and really in powerful ways that we genuinely love. Yeah.

[00:19:26] Oh, I think that is so valuable. I mean, honestly, it's, um, and tomorrow, honestly, just putting that together and creating that space is, is a real gift for people because we don't talk about this enough and it's uncomfortable a lot of times talking to people who don't understand the situation or haven't experienced it because like you said at the very beginning, they're like, what is wrong with you? Get over it.

[00:19:51] Like move along, um, when they don't really even understand what, what's been going on. So Dr. Tamara, what, if people want to reach out, if they want to find out more about what you do, or they're interested in, in maybe, um, seeing if they are a good fit for your, for your group, what's the best way to do that? It just go to Substack. It's on Substack. It's a community there. She's not done yet.

[00:20:15] And, and everything is actually free, um, right now in terms of joining the community and participating and being able to read. And I do live streams and have expert guests on talking about different topics. And it's a really a community of support. So it's, it's, she's not done yet on Substack.com. And I will make, thank you. And I will make sure that information gets in the show notes. Cause a lot of times, as you know, we're listening to these while we're going about our busy day.

[00:20:44] So I'll make sure that information is in the show notes. Thank you so much for being here and sharing this. I've so enjoyed this conversation. And, um, yeah, if you're in a gray divorce, if you're getting out of that gray divorce and you're thinking like, oh crap, I'm stuck. This is a really good place to get started. So thank you for sharing all your expertise and wisdom. Oh, thanks so much for having me. And thank you everybody for listening into this episode of the D shift.

[00:21:10] Don't forget to check the show notes, um, and go find out more about what Dr. Tamara is doing and thank you so much for listening to this episode. And don't forget to tune in to the next one. Thanks for listening and supporting the D shift podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts, join the D shift crew for more details and to

[00:21:37] sign up, head on over to www.divorcecoachforwomen and click on the podcast page.