Can Hypnotherapy Help With Divorce Anxiety and Limiting Beliefs?

[00:00:04] Welcome to the D Shift Podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation, and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get this shift started.

[00:00:21] Hello and welcome to this episode of the D Shift Podcast. And I am so happy to interview a lady I have known for a few years now. She is absolutely an expert in her field. Her name is Karen Ross. She is a performance and mindset expert who is really focused on using dynamic guided visualization, solution-focused coaching, and hypnotherapy to help people be able to perform at their very best.

[00:00:53] And to navigate challenges in life and to move through obstacles that may be holding them back. So I am so excited to have Karen. We're going to talk all about hypnosis, hypnotherapy, what it is, what it isn't, and what you should look for if you're thinking about using this very helpful mode to just even reduce anxiety when you're going through divorce. So Karen, welcome.

[00:01:21] Well, thank you, welcome. Well, thank you, Mardi. It's so nice to be back. I know we talked about the fact it's been a while, quite a while, but I'm really, I'm very, very pleased to reconnect and to be on the podcast again. Thank you.

[00:01:33] Well, I love to bring people who are real experts in their field. And Karen, I know you've been doing this for a number of years, and this really is your focus, is the whole idea of using that guided visualization and hypnotherapy to help people get better at what they do. That's really your focus, isn't it?

[00:01:52] Sure, absolutely. And I think it starts really with an understanding that we have two minds. And it's interesting how many people are kind of surprised when they hear, what do you mean I have two minds? And yet, when I distinguish between the conscious mind and the subconscious mind, they say, oh, okay.

[00:02:14] But they still have kind of a surface understanding of what that means. So that's where I start is to make sure somebody understands that whole idea that I've got a conscious mind. That's the one that talks all the time, never shuts up. It tells us what's wrong with the world. It tells us what's wrong with us. It can be really unkind sometimes. And it just really never shuts up.

[00:02:42] And then we have the subconscious mind that's very quiet. And it is there just to serve us. And it's waiting for instruction. It's waiting to find out to know what we really need, what we really want. And then it doesn't talk back. It doesn't second guess us. It doesn't ask questions. It just says, oh, well, if that's what you want, I'll do whatever I can to support you.

[00:03:11] Right. And that may sound a little crazy to some people. That's simple. And it's a simple explanation of how those two minds work. Yeah. And, you know, so one of the things that I am just amazed with is how everything, every sound we hear is not just a sound. It's a combination of forms of energy waves that are hitting us.

[00:03:36] Every light, every object, everything we touch, everything we sense, all of these are like literally hundreds of thousands of bits of information coming into us. And this is what our, you say subconscious, I usually say unconscious, but they're both the same thing, right?

[00:03:55] It acts as that kind of guardian. So, because if we were just able to take in all the information in that we're experiencing, even in a second, it would just completely overwhelm our mind. Like we would just, we would be, we would fry all of our circuits. So, I guess that's the best way to say it, right? Exactly. And some of that energy that comes in or the messages that, you know, however you want to look at it, we form beliefs.

[00:04:22] I have a friend that calls it our, our, our BS. And, you know, what are you talking about? Belief system. It goes into our belief system. We form a belief. That belief could be formed when we're a baby, a toddler, and it guides us through the rest of our life until I really, until one realizes that's not serving me. Right.

[00:04:45] That's a belief I just don't need anymore. And when people come to that realization, it's, it's, it's quite something to see their enlightenment. What? I don't need to believe that. That's crazy. And that's what I, I, I, this is so fascinating to me. I'm a bit of a science nerdy, geeky person. I love this kind of stuff. That belief system that may be formed before you were even consciously aware that you even had that belief system. Absolutely.

[00:05:13] That forms what they call a cognitive bias, which means you only see things now that support your belief system. This is why you can, why you never talk politics with your friends, neighbors, and family members if you're not on the same page. Right. Because we, everything is, we see what we want to see. And that, that comes through that, that filter or that belief system, because we're just, until we're aware that we're doing that, we can't see anything else. Exactly.

[00:05:41] If you can become aware, then, okay, oh gosh, I can see your perspective now. I can see another path. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think one of the best stories that I have working with a client, a gentleman in his 60s had threatened to work with me for like over a year, but I'm not quite ready.

[00:06:02] He would say, I want to work with you. I'm not quite ready. Well, obviously we have to wait until you're ready. And finally he came to me, he said, I'm really ready. He said, I have this issue that has been a problem for me since I was a kid.

[00:06:17] I can't swallow pills. Now that I'm older, I want to take more vitamins. I have to take more medications. I can't swallow pills. Over the years, he tried everything. He had doctors who tried to work with him. He mentioned the mom of a friend, you know, so many people had tried something.

[00:06:37] So I said, well, we'll give it a shot. You know, I can't make guarantees, but we discovered that as a baby or as a toddler, let's say his mother, whenever he would get a fever or sick in any way, and she would feed him baby aspirin, she would crush it and she would feed it to him in a little bit of sweet juice.

[00:07:01] He formed the belief that is the only way you ever take medication. And when he realized that, that's an example of, are you kidding? I don't need to believe that anymore. That's crazy. Yeah.

[00:07:18] And, and, and he's the one that I didn't find that for him. You know, he came to that realization. And after that, believe it or not, he started swallowing all of his big, gigantic vitamins and whatever he needed to swallow. Right. And he said, every once in a while, he'd go to swallow a great big capsule and he'd kind of stop for a minute. And then he just realized I can swallow this. It's no big deal.

[00:07:45] So that's how impactful it can be when we form a belief. Yeah. And, and this is, this is where I think the whole idea of guided visualization and hypnosis, because if you think, and I've heard this description so many times before it, if you are inside a jar, you can't read the label on the outside of the jar, right? You just can't because you don't have that, that vision.

[00:08:12] If you work with somebody who can help you and hypnotherapy, by the way, is we're going to talk about what it is and it isn't, but it's not running around and clucking like a chicken. So it's not. So, so one of the things you have to do is you have to know how to get out of your own head to discover what those things are. And that is not as easy as it sounds.

[00:08:34] And even things like limiting beliefs, say for a woman going through divorce saying I can't do money stuff or a man going through divorce. I can't take care of the kids on my own. I'm being very stereotypical here, but those kind of limiting beliefs stop you from moving forward, from taking advantage of opportunities and doing that.

[00:08:54] So it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be something that you can necessarily put your finger on. Oh, that's where I've got that belief to actually change it. And that's where the guided visualization and hypnosis comes in. So tell us a little bit about those processes, Karen.

[00:09:11] Well, I have, I have a tendency sometimes to, well, first of all, okay. I said, you know, first I want people to understand their two minds. The second, I want to find out what is their perception of hypnosis. And it may very well be only that stage hypnosis that you referred to that is performed for entertainment, for laughter and so on. That's not what we do at all.

[00:09:35] And it's unfortunate. Sometimes I think I'm not crazy about stage hypnosis because it gives it a bad name and people have a belief about it. Oh, that's just, you know, chicken with the head cut off, whatever. And what I tend to liken hypnosis to dynamic creative visualization.

[00:09:58] And like you said, you often, and in most cases need an expert to guide you to do that, to really have the impact. Can you do it yourself? Yeah, maybe, but you're going to have all kinds of preconceived notions and thoughts and yeah, it's, it's not going to work that well. You need someone to guide you.

[00:10:21] And first of all, the process of hypnosis puts someone in a state where they are more relaxed than they can ever get to on their own. I mean, I've had people admit that over and over and over. And after a session, they say, I don't know when I've been that relaxed. And I just had an appointment two hours ago. She said, oh my God, I don't think I've been that relaxed in forever.

[00:10:47] Yeah. So you can't do that on your own. You really need someone to guide you there. And then once you're that relaxed, it's much easier to quiet that conscious mind that has that often awful voice. And once you quiet, and we're not doing away with the conscious mind. We're not killing it. You know, we're just telling it to go relax.

[00:11:12] Right. Just go. I don't need you right now. And it's usually happy to have a respite, so to speak. But then the subconscious mind perks up and oh, how can I support you? What do you need from me?

[00:11:29] And then you have the openness to be able to say what you want, the difference in the change that you want to make in your life, whatever it is, whatever. It's being able to swallow pills or navigate a circumstance in your life like divorce or get over a habit or something that has plagued you for years can just be applied in so many different ways.

[00:11:56] Right. And hypnotherapy suggestions are always come from the client. So it's what the person wants to do. The hypnotherapist definitely has nothing to do with what you want to do. And they are always positive. They're not I don't want this because the unconscious mind doesn't understand the difference between I want, I don't want. It just hears chocolate.

[00:12:21] And then that's what you're going to wake up with craving chocolate, even if your goal was to stop eating chocolate. So it's always positive. And I think the other thing, Karen, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I always tell my clients, there is nothing that you that could ever be told to you when you're in that relaxed state, that if it goes against your morals, values, ethics, beliefs, there is nothing that can be done to change.

[00:12:51] Change that. There's no danger zone here. There's no Maniturian candidate thing that can possibly happen in real life. Right. Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. And also, I've had people say, not a lot, but every once in a while, somebody recently said, well, I don't want to lie to myself, you know, when we were talking about what did they want different in their life. Well, I don't want to lie to myself.

[00:13:18] Well, if you really are hung up on interpreting this process as lying to yourself, just say, I'm willing to do whatever the change is. Right. If you can't say, I am doing this or I see myself doing this, just say, I'm willing. And that's just going to bring you one step closer.

[00:13:40] Right. And let's take an acrimonious divorce as an example. And you're really having difficulty dealing with your spouse. And, you know, I think you and I would be similar in wanting to guide them just to handle the communication more peacefully and more effortlessly. And sometimes a person is going to be in a place of anger and say, I can't do that. I don't want to do that. Right.

[00:14:09] And I think we can encourage them. Just are you willing to just make a shift in that direction? Yeah. And usually I think they'll be willing to move that way. And something I find as part of my training, I had to actually undergo hypnotherapy. Like I think most it's kind of it's one of those things where not only do you have to practice how to do it, but you also have to experience it so that you understand what's going on for your clients.

[00:14:37] But one of the things that the the person that that worked with me as my kind of mentor and hypnotherapist was there was something that there was a limiting belief. And I think it was around money. I honestly can't remember exactly what the limiting belief was because I don't have it anymore. So I don't remember what it was. You don't want to hold on to that. Yeah. Yeah. It was something about not being able to handle money well, or I don't know what it was.

[00:15:02] But anyhow, what what she said to me was, if you can't say I can handle my money effortlessly and make good financial decisions, which she had what she phrased it as, there's a part of me that knows I can handle money. Ah, very good. And then right away that resonates because I know there's a part of my brain that says I know how to do this.

[00:15:27] And then there's that inner voice saying, oh, yeah, but look at how you, you know, 20 years ago, you didn't balance the checkbook right. And, you know, that's the negative stuff. So that's that's the power of this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I understand that you have recently gotten certified in some new things, including hypnotherapy. And have you found it to be valuable and you're working with your clients? I, you know, so I use it for my clients prior to mediation because that's usually a fairly stressful time.

[00:15:56] So we use it a lot of times to just stay relaxed, to let go of anxiety, to visualize that positive outcome, whatever that may look like, knowing you've walked away with a good settlement or knowing you've walked away for a good reason if you if it wasn't going to work at the table. So I do that. And then I do some work post-divorce, too, about letting go of those beliefs that, you know, I'm 60 years old or I'm 50 years old. I'm supposed to be married.

[00:16:26] I'm supposed to be, you know, in a relationship. I'm supposed to be this, that or the other thing. So, yes, and I find that I find that people it really resonates with people. And Karen, do you do tell us a little bit about what a client would experience? Because I think we work similarly, although we haven't talked about this. What what would a client experience, say, for the first time coming to you and wanting to to do hypnotherapy with you?

[00:16:54] Well, one of the things that I also talk about doing is solution focused coaching. So I do that in common. And and I feel like the hypnotherapy is like the icing on the cake that we focus on a solution. What is it? People always want to tell us what the problem is. They want to tell us what's going wrong, what's making us miserable. You know, they've got that right top of mind.

[00:17:20] And so I immediately ask them, how do you want it to be? What would be different? Different. And that puts us on a completely different track. And I explain that we're not going to. Yeah, we think we need to know what the problem is to get going. But we're not going to spend a lot of time. I know a lot of therapies do, you know, want you to talk and talk and talk. And I it depends on what you want.

[00:17:49] If you just need somebody to listen to you, then, you know, God bless you. Go ahead. But if you really want to solve a situation, change a situation, then you need to start seeing it differently and focusing on the solution and not the problem. Right. And so I first get people in that mindset. And then we really focus on what would be different from how you would handle a certain situation.

[00:18:19] What are they? That would be the coaching part that, you know, what are some examples of how you could have handled that differently? Assuming it's a situation that they encounter on a regular basis. And it just opens their mind to start seeing things differently. And then typically we close or, you know, maybe not every session, but most sessions depends how long I've been working with someone.

[00:18:43] We close with some hypnosis that instills that new vision. Right. Of how things would be different. Right. And up till then, often they haven't been able to see that. Yeah. Yeah. And this is another thing that I think is really different from like the stage hypnosis that you see. And I go to admit, I was on a cruise last year, two years ago, and there was a stage hypnotist.

[00:19:13] And I went and I listened. It was hilarious. I have never laughed so hard in my life. But the whole time, even though it was funny, I was thinking, oh, my gosh, if people walk out of this room thinking this is what hypnotherapy is, I can see why there's this stigma sometimes. But one of the things I was going to say is when you're experiencing this as the client, you are fully conscious of what is going on. You are not asleep. Nobody clicks their fingers and wakes you up. You are totally awake.

[00:19:42] There is a test for suggestibility where we, you know, ask people, raise your arm, lower your arm. I don't, well, my, the method I was trained in does initially just to test people. But then after that, you only do it once. You don't do it again. And it's really just like if you've ever done a guided meditation on an app where you just lay back and listen to the voice on the guided meditation on an, like, Headspace or Calm or Insight Timer, whatever you're using.

[00:20:12] That is virtually what this experience is like, only it's 100% focused on your goals. Right. Exactly. As far as getting a sense of what hypnosis feels like, maybe you're familiar with the lemon visualization. Yes. Yeah.

[00:20:32] And when, if people are having trouble understanding that they have a subconscious mind and you walk them through the lemon thing and they start to have a physical reaction and then you point out there's no lemon, there's no knife, there's no, you know, there's no lemon juice oozing. And then they start to get the idea, oh, now I see how powerful my subconscious mind is. Right. And then when you, yeah.

[00:21:01] I was going to say, maybe just, just give a little hint of what that lemon, because that's, I mean, it's not a trade secret or anything here. No, no, not at all. But many people haven't been through it. But, you know, we just guide people to a state of relaxation. Just relax, you know, just take a couple deep breaths. And you're standing at your kitchen counter and there's a cutting board and a very sharp knife and a bright yellow lemon.

[00:21:27] You know, you try to be very, very explicit so the vision becomes visible. Right. Vivid, vivid. And you take that knife, you cut it in half, you see the lemon juice oozing out of the lemon. And if most of you are like me, you're starting to feel saliva in your throat, even though you haven't tasted the lemon. Now pick up the lemon and smell it and even more saliva and so on.

[00:21:54] And smell the lemon and, you know, the whole thing. And then set the lemon back and set the knife down. So I want to step back from the counter. And now you realize there is no lemon. Yeah. And yet you have saliva in the back of your mouth. You probably want to swallow. You can't wait to take a swallow. Right. And that's when people really start to understand that there's a power beyond their conscious mind.

[00:22:23] And I guess that's one of the points I like to make is that our subconscious is the most creative, the most powerful instrument in the world. Right. And we all have it. Yeah. And all we have to do is accept that and use it, learn to use it. Right. And to make our lives the way we want them to be.

[00:22:49] And I'm going to, so I've had people actually swear when we're doing that, not curse, but actually swear afterwards and say, did you actually have lemon juice? Did you cut a lemon in this room while I was doing that? Because they actually not only have had the saliva, they've actually had a little mini hallucination that they could smell fresh. Again, it's the power of our mind working. Exactly.

[00:23:16] And I was going to say, you know, lots of, so great actors, athletes, high performance professionals, CEOs. This is a very well known and well used technique where you actually guide. And I know you work a lot with high, high level athletes and top performers in various industries.

[00:23:40] And they actually, like an Olympic athlete will visualize themselves running the track and jumping over the hurdles. And they will practice that. And they get on the, at the day of the event, they've already done it so many times through this. They just sail effortlessly through the course. Race car drivers do it. Formula 100, Formula One drivers and NASCAR drivers. All these people are using this technique. Absolutely.

[00:24:09] And it's so simple and effective. Yeah. Well, two of the, when you talk about athletes, two that come to mind because their names are so well known is Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods. Both of them openly credit hypnosis with their success. And look at the peaks of excellence they've both reached. So, you know, they can't, yeah. And they're starting to use it in medical institutions. They're recognizing it. It's, yeah. Yes. Very acceptable now.

[00:24:39] I actually, I actually know of a lady who had all of her kids under using a hypnotherapist. Yeah. I've had people have their teeth pulled. Yep. Yep. So, I mean, that's not the, that's not my area. I wouldn't do that kind of hypnotherapy, but absolutely. I mean, it is, it is so powerful. And again, it's, it's a gift you can give yourself.

[00:25:09] Absolutely. And it's, it's not, most people don't go through one hypnotherapy session and everything has shifted. It takes a few. I typically, when I do mine, I typically record a customized hypnotherapy for my clients. I ask them to use it every night for, you know, however long between now and our next appointment. And then we fine tune it and we move it along as, as they go through it.

[00:25:33] But it's not a one and done thing, but it didn't take you one, one incident to get to that limiting belief. It took years to get that going in your mind. Right. Right. For sure. Yeah. And I, I teach my clients certain techniques. I'm not going to be there all the time. Right. And especially if we're talking about an athlete in a particular competition or game. Same.

[00:26:00] I've also worked with people who are taking that critical LSAT or MSAT. And maybe this is the last time they can take it for a couple of years. You know, there are all kinds of restrictions there. Well, they're doubly stressed because they've already flunked it twice. Right. Like, oh my God, if I don't pass this time. Well, talk about creating a stressful situation. And I teach them techniques to use on the spot because I can't be there with them. Right.

[00:26:29] But we want them to, well, I mean, if they're discovering their subconscious mind and how powerful, they're the ones that have to know how to use it. They're not going to have somebody around all the time. So I think that's something else people appreciate is that they're going to walk away with tools that they can use. Absolutely. Now, Karen, we are almost out of time. I can't believe how fast these conversations go. But you have kindly offered a call for people who are listening in who maybe want to learn

[00:26:59] more about what you do and see if you're a good fit to work with them. Can you tell us a little bit about that? I'm very open with that. You know, I say a 30-minute call. If we end up on the phone or Zoom, whatever, for an hour, that's fine because I want them to walk away feeling very confident that they want to work with me or that they need to move on and find somebody different. So that obviously is at no charge.

[00:27:27] And then we decide how we want to move forward. I typically work with people on a package basis, starting out with five sessions. And after that, they can renew. I have one person right now, no, two that I've been working with for over a year. Right. And that's fine with me. And now, obviously, we do, I think, more of the coaching than certainly than just the hypnotherapy.

[00:27:55] But the hypnosis is just such an added value for them. And they get so much out of it. And then other people walk away after the five sessions and say, I'm good. Yeah. Now, they may come back later with a different issue. You know, something else pops up and say, you know what? I could do the same thing. Issue's different. But I know you can help me get through it. So that's how I work. I typically don't work.

[00:28:22] I've had some people say, I just want to do one session and I want to solve this. Well, maybe, maybe not. I don't know. I almost never work on one session. Yeah. Karen, if people do want to reach out and find out more about what you do or just, you know, get in touch with you online, what's the best way to do that? Sure. Thank you for that. My website is karenrossnow.com. And you can just email.

[00:28:51] Well, there are several opportunities to schedule with me. And then you'll get an option for a discovery call. That's where you would just book something on my calendar. And if you'd rather just email me directly and we communicate back and forth before we set a time, it's just info at karenrossnow.com. I'll make sure that all gets in the show notes. Karen, this has been a wonderful conversation. I'm so glad we had a chance to share this really valuable tool that people can use at

[00:29:21] any time in life. And it works for people of any age, culture, gender. It doesn't make a difference. It doesn't make a difference. So, Karen, thanks so much. I'm just going to say I worked with somebody who was six and I worked with somebody who was 78. There you go. Karen, thank you so much. Thanks for coming on here and sharing your expertise. Thank you. And thank you, everybody, for listening into this episode of The D Shift. And don't forget to tune in to the next one.

[00:29:51] Thanks for listening and supporting The D-Shift Podcast. If you would like to attend live trainings by our amazing guests and have a chance to ask questions and get answers from our experts, join The D-Shift Crew. For more details and to sign up, head on over to www.divorcecoachforwomen and click on the podcast page. Thank you.