Why You Feel “Not Good Enough” & How to Erase It w/ Shelly Lefkoe

[00:00:00] People know what to do and don't do it. We do things we know we shouldn't do. Why is that? We have beliefs that are running the show. I'm going to tell you the five most common beliefs and how to eliminate them. Shelly Lefkoe is the co-founder of the Lefkoe Institute. Through her belief elimination methodology, Shelly guides clients to uncover and release the unconscious stories that keep them stuck.

[00:00:25] Beliefs get formed in the past. Meaning gets formed in the moment. Our beliefs live as the truth and they formed in childhood. Can you create additional limiting beliefs as you get older? In extreme cases, yes. Every child wants affection, attention and acknowledgement. If they're getting criticized, they conclude I'm not good enough. Now, here's the juice. You cannot see I'm not good enough.

[00:00:50] I had divorced parents when I was young and I never felt like I belonged. And what you're saying is I never saw I don't belong. What did you see? Being on a plane, walking through airports. And where was I don't belong? A figment of my imagination. In your mind, you made that up. Shelly, it is so, gosh, just reading that. That was a lot.

[00:01:20] I kept going and going. There was so much more. We had to like, you know, kind of shorten it up. But you are a powerhouse. You are one of these women that I like to say is a powerhouse of possibility and unlimited potential. Thanks, honey.

[00:01:39] But it hasn't, aww. And it hasn't always been that way. And we had some pretty deep conversations when we met about your journey, about the relaunch journey and things that got kind of like put in place, put in your path that you had to not just navigate but literally change your entire identity. Not just a little small identity shift, but like a massive one.

[00:02:09] So I'd love to have you kind of take us back to that moment when it was really impactful enough that it changed everything about you, every, every direction, every, every thought that you had about your future. Yeah.

[00:02:25] So I was happily, deliriously happy for 35 years. I was married to the man who created this process that I do. And when I saw him do it for the first time, he eliminated a belief with someone, it was actually his ex-wife.

[00:02:55] Oh my God. That was the first time you ever saw him do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was on a plane going to California and he kind of, he says he downloaded it. Yeah. And he was looking at why people know what to do and don't do it. So we know going into a relationship, we see red flags and we know we shouldn't go in, but we go in anyway.

[00:03:17] We, um, we drink, we don't eat healthily, we don't exercise and we know that doing those things are harming our precious bodies. So we don't do things we know we should do. We do, we do, we do things we know we shouldn't do. Right. He was looking at, we're not stupid. You know, we, we are smart people. Why is that?

[00:03:40] And so he was riding on a plane and we had a consulting business and, um, uh, we were working with corporations and, but he was always into personal growth and he had done everything. And he downloads this process and he does it on the people that he was interviewing, um, with, which is another story. And he comes home and he said, honey, I have to show you what I did.

[00:04:06] So his ex-wife was aunt Arlene to my kids. And she, that's great. I love that already. Yeah. And, um, she came over and she was, wanted to look at her belief about men, right? Cause she wanted to have a new relationship. And he said to her, you know, so let's look at, you know, what do you believe about it was first it was marriage. She wants to get married.

[00:04:29] And she said, marriage is suffocating and you have to give yourself up if you get married. And then beliefs about men, you know, um, men are selfish and men are this. And this is hysterical that she's talking to her ex-husband.

[00:04:43] Right. And so she, um, uh, eliminates, so he eliminates one belief with her and I'm sitting there watching and hell, it was like spirit smacked me in the head and said, this is what you're on this planet to do.

[00:05:01] I, that was the voice I heard and I inhaled and I breathed it in and that was it. So for 30, so for, uh, 20 years, I had been doing this process and you can put me in front of the queen of England, Oprah Winfrey. I don't care who it is. I will make sure their lives are transformed. I am a results girl.

[00:05:24] I work with people. I speak in front of thousands of people. It's happy. It's fine. It's my happy place. All of a sudden my husband gets diagnosed with fourth stage colon cancer. And he decides I don't want to do chemo. I want to do alternative blah, blah, blah. And off we go to the races.

[00:05:51] Well, you know, Kelly, I don't know if I ever told you what my mom got diagnosed stage four colon. We didn't talk about it. We didn't talk about what it was. Yeah. Wow. So, oh God. Okay. So he decides not to do any. Right. And then, and by the time he decided, okay, I'll do it. It was too late. He dies. I am distraught. He ran the business.

[00:06:19] How long did it, did it take before he passed? Less than a year. Yeah. I would say maybe about a year. Close to my mom. Yeah. Yeah. And how long ago was this? This was 10 years ago. Yeah. 10 years. Yeah. So my husband only wanted to make a difference in people's lives. He was the real deal. He was not ego driven.

[00:06:44] This process that we do is more powerful than anything I've ever seen in my life. It's not, well, stay with me and let's see what happens. It's you will see changes immediately. Right? And for those listening right now, have no fear. We're going to go there. You're going to learn this, everyone. So you're going to get a glimmer into what she does.

[00:07:07] So long story short, I'm left with a business that is financially not healthy because my husband took a lot of the money that we made and did research to prove the efficacy of our work because he didn't want to be seen as something woo-woo and airy-fairy. Hmm.

[00:07:31] So I'm now left with this business. I don't know how to run a business. I am like the last person in the world to run a business. What if the next version of your life isn't missing? It's waiting for you to say yes. Relaunch to a Rich Life where inspiration turns into identity and clarity turns into momentum. Last year, women walked out saying this was the best event they had ever been to because real transformation happened.

[00:07:57] This September 17th to the 19th in Scottsdale, women gather for the inner shifts, the brave decisions, and the connections that change everything. This isn't just an event. It's the room where confidence locks in, friendships form fast, and your next chapter begins. Join us at relaunchtoarichlife.com and experience Relaunch to a Rich Life Live. Why?

[00:08:25] Because you were going on stages. You were doing the front-end work. You were not part of the back office. Workshops, speaking, anything with people, I'm good. Run a business, shoot me in the head, you guys.

[00:08:47] Luckily, I had eliminated a lot of my own beliefs about not being smart and not being capable and all of that. And so I used one – we have a little technique. It's not the belief work, but it's where you – so I'll just give you a quick piece of this. Meaning is in your mind, right? She doesn't like me. It's not going to be a good day.

[00:09:16] I'll never make – you know, I can't do this. So meaning runs in our minds all day long, right? So if meaning is in your mind, events don't have inherent meaning. We don't know anything for sure because something happens. So I would get into – I would be in bed and, you know, grieving is healthy. Not wanting to get out of bed is not healthy.

[00:09:44] And we were in the middle of a very expensive program called A Year with Morty with six people from all over the world. And Morty is your husband. And Morty was my husband. So A Year with Morty and now Morty is gone. It's gone. And we're six months into the program. So I now have to step into this program. We were in the middle of an occurring course where we teach people how to dissolve meaning to get rid of any negative emotion in the moment.

[00:10:14] I'm in the middle of this. He was in the middle of leading this program. And I'm grieving, right? So I had to step up. And that was my relaunch. And here's the funny thing about it. I was speaking in Costa Rica at A-Fest, Fish and Lockeanis A-Fest. And somebody comes over to me and says, oh, my God, now I understand why my clients don't listen to me. He's a serial entrepreneur.

[00:10:43] He owns a law firm, an entertainment company. He says, I want to write a book with you. This is groundbreaking. So I said, well, I don't write. I speak and I don't really have time. And he goes, good. We'll just we'll get somebody to help us. So we wrote a book and the book is on entrepreneurship. Oh, that's funny. It makes me laugh.

[00:11:08] It's called Hitting the Wall, Eliminate the Beliefs That Sabotage Your Business and Your Life. So I wrote a book, tripled my business. We are, you know, doing well. And yeah. So that's my relaunch story. Ready to turn someday into now?

[00:11:31] Relaunch to A Rich Life Live is the in-person experience women called the best event they'd ever attended. Because clarity, confidence and connection actually happened. Join us September 17th to the 19th in Scottsdale. Learn more at relaunch2arichlife.com.

[00:11:53] Let's talk about, let's talk about what Morty did for his ex-wife and how you ended up saying, this changed my life. This is where I need to go. What did he do? Tell us about this process that he created. Okay. So there's a lot of talk and I've listened to a couple of your shows. And people talk about your stories and people talk about beliefs.

[00:12:22] And they say things that, you know, I feel are tough because they tell you, oh, just don't believe it and just do this and just do that. And my experience is that those techniques don't necessarily, they could be wonderful and amazing, but they don't get rid of beliefs. And here's- Certainly don't. Not how our brains water, no doubt. So the first thing I want to make a distinction, okay?

[00:12:51] A pattern is what you want to change. So a pattern is behavioral. Again, you do something you don't want to do, or you don't do something you want to do. You have something you don't want to have. You don't have something you want, okay? That's a pattern. Behavioral. Could be emotional. I have anxiety. I have depression. I have, you know, I'm sad all the time. That those are emotional.

[00:13:21] Patterns are what you want to change, right? Beliefs cause the patterns. A belief is a statement about reality that we hold as the truth, okay? Life is hard. When I say to people, do you believe life is hard? They'll look at me and they'll go, well, life is hard, right? So our beliefs live as the truth.

[00:13:49] Most of them are unconscious. And no amount of evidence gets rid of them. Evidence by the fact that, hell, I have worked with five Harvard PhDs who had the belief I'm stupid. They know they're not stupid, but they still believe it. Because their beliefs are their reality. Right.

[00:14:19] And I'm going to show you why that is and why they don't. I just want to make sure we keep sharing what this all means. This is so good. So beliefs underlie or cause your problem. I could have written a book about how mistakes and failures are not bad, okay? They're learning opportunities. And I taught my kids there's no such thing as mistakes and failures. There's only outcomes.

[00:14:48] And I sent them to an alternative school that believed that. And I still had the belief. And I was still afraid to launch a product or do something because I was so afraid to make a mistake or fail. So I had to still get rid of the belief, right? So our beliefs are mostly unconscious and they cause all of our suffering. I'm going to do something with you. I'll do two things.

[00:15:18] So first of all, everybody listening, I want you to take a deep breath. Okay. Now, I want you to say out loud because I'm going to tell you what the five most common beliefs are that people have, okay? So take a deep breath. Let it out. And I want you to say, if you can, if you're in a place where you can do this, say out loud, I'm not good enough.

[00:15:47] I'm not good enough. Now say, I'm a monkey. I'm a monkey. So when you say, I'm a monkey, for most of you, that feels, how did it feel, Hill? To say, I'm a monkey. It felt ridiculous. Good. Feels ridiculous, feels silly, right? When you say, I'm not good enough, does that feel the same or different? Different.

[00:16:16] So for most people, because that's the most common belief that everybody has, I know it, I'm working on it, I've done a lot of, but you still have the belief. Because if it doesn't feel good, that's the first way you know you have a belief. It doesn't feel good. Or it just feels true. You know, you could just sit there and go, yeah, like, hello.

[00:16:43] So underlying every pattern, you take a pattern like fear of public speaking. Fear of public speaking is 11. It's the only pattern that has the same beliefs for every person. So it's 11 beliefs in what we call emotional conditionings, which it's very simple. It's easier to get rid of the emotions than to talk about the process, but it's very simple. So there's like nine beliefs, right?

[00:17:10] When you get rid of the beliefs, fear of public speaking goes away, right? When you get rid of a belief like it's dangerous to speak up, that's a great belief to get rid of because once you get rid of that belief, you just start speaking. So I'm going to tell you three things. The five most common beliefs, how beliefs get formed, and how to eliminate them.

[00:17:35] Now, we train people to do this, okay? It's not like you're going to come out of this podcast and go, I know how to eliminate beliefs. But what you're going to know is why they never go away when you try other things and it's not you, okay? So five most common beliefs, I'm not good enough. I'm not important.

[00:18:06] Mistakes and failures are bad. If I make a mistake or fail, I'll be rejected. And this was the belief that changed my life. What makes me good enough is having other people think well of me. And then I'll throw in one more bonus belief. What makes me good enough is achieving things.

[00:18:37] That's workaholism. And in my book- What if you have multiple of these? Oh, everybody does. You have all of them. That's what I'm saying. Okay, everyone. We can take a deep breath now. Oh, those are the most common beliefs that everybody has. That underlies procrastination. Fear of public speaking. Yes. Everything, right? So you got to get rid of those first. Okay. And I'm going to talk. I have a program where you can do it online.

[00:19:03] Okay, but let's go five again just so everyone can hear them a second time. Okay. We've got mistakes. And I'm going to give you- At the end, I'm going to give you an ability to do this for free. Okay. Good. So I'm not good enough. I'm not important. And if you think you don't have the belief I'm not important, I'm going to ask you this question, what makes you important? That's a powerful one.

[00:19:32] And if you said anything other than nothing, I just am, you have the belief. Because if you have to be, do, or have something to be important, you can't believe you're inherently important. Oh, okay. That's good. Yeah. So if you said, well, what makes me important is, you know, my achievements or- Being a good mom. Being a good mom. That's exactly what I was going to say. Yeah. I get it.

[00:20:01] That's where I went immediately with that. Yeah. Me too. Me too. Totally. Me too. That's great. That's funny, Hill. Yeah. Okay. So- So then you're just going through. It's, I'm not good enough. I'm not important. And then the next one was- Mistakes and failures are bad. Yep. If I make a mistake or fail, I'll be rejected. Be rejected. Yeah. What make, this is what we call a survival strategy belief, which I'll explain if we have time.

[00:20:32] What makes me good enough is having other people think well of me. I need to be liked. How many of you guys, and this is the one that ran me, walk away going, did I say the right thing? Did I do the right thing? Does she like me? Was I invited? Did, you know, am I wearing the right outfit? Or, you know, what does this one think? And what does that one think? So if you have that belief, you can't be your authentic self.

[00:21:03] Because you're worried about what other people are going to think. Your focus is out there. When I got rid of that belief, I can be my authentic self. And I'll tell, I'll tell a story. And then I'm going to, I want to tell you how beliefs get formed. So I have great arms because I work out and I lift weights, but I've also lost and gained weight over my life. And I have this, you know, those wings. I sure do.

[00:21:32] And I'm speaking to my son right now. My son, Derek, grabs it. Yeah. And kind of pulls on. I'm like, what are you doing? I said to my girls once, look at my arms and, you know, look how kind I am. And they go, oh, but look at this. Right? Shelly, I'm in like two months away from my daughter's wedding right now. And this is the only thing I'm working out right now are my arms. I get it. We all get it. Oh my God. Okay. So I want to talk to you about the wedding. Well, not here. Okay.

[00:22:01] So, so I like wearing sleeveless tops. I just do. I, I like, I just do. Right. So I don't care. I've gotten rid of this belief and I got a, um, a Google alert the other day, a couple of weeks ago. And I, and I rarely read comments under my videos. I just don't have time. I just don't. Yeah.

[00:22:27] So I click on this Google alert because I see this picture of me speaking and I go, where is that? It doesn't even look familiar. And I click on the thing and I see all these comments and, oh, she's wonderful. And I, and I, and all of a sudden somebody says, well, I'm glad she's confident enough to wear a sleeveless dress.

[00:22:51] And I just went, and then I just went and I read the rest of the comments. And so later that day, it dawned on me that in the past that would have really upset me. Oh my God, maybe I shouldn't.

[00:23:17] And not a blip on the radar, not a blip. It was just like, wow, that was interesting. And that was it. So, okay. Now I want to go back to. That's so great. It's so great. That just resonates with, you know, all of us women. I mean, how often I don't even really talk. I don't, you know, when I give women compliments right now, especially in my frame of mind, I'm

[00:23:47] like, you got great arms. Oh my God. I just want your arms. Yeah, it's freedom. It's just freedom. That's amazing. Okay. So it would have bothered you, but you've done something to eliminate it. I eliminated the belief. Right. My good enoughness. And again, listen, everybody listen. It's not that I don't give a shit what people think. That's not what it is. I may care if my friend doesn't love me anymore.

[00:24:15] Or my, my girlfriend, my kid, my, you know, it's not that I don't care. It no longer defines me. It doesn't mean anything about me. That's the difference. I'm good enough. I want people, I want people to think about this because you've got your, your current identity and we're doing an identity shift literally as we are on air right now with Shelly. And I want you to think about the, what if you didn't have that belief anymore?

[00:24:44] What possibility would that be for your future identity? I mean, come on everyone. This is so, this is juicy stuff. That's okay. So good Hill. What if you didn't have that belief? And here's the thing. I'm not everybody's cup of tea. I'm a lot. I'm big. I'm, you know, I have a lot of energy in a little person's body. You're this little petite thing, but you're right. You have big presence. Yeah.

[00:25:13] I'm not the girl where somebody goes, was Shelly there? Yeah. And not everybody's going to want to work. When I work with people, I'm like, you know, okay, enough talking. When you want to talk, go to therapy. We're going to have, we're going to eliminate beliefs here. And, and my clients love me, except not everybody is going to be my client. Right. You gotta, you gotta want to. I agree with that. So, yeah. Yeah.

[00:25:43] And not every, you know, like somebody said, well, what if you intimidate the guy? And I said, then he's not my guy. Exactly. Right. I'm looking, I'm ready for my next relationship. I am like ready. I'm excited about it. You know, and I, I'm not going to be everybody's cup of tea. Okay. So now we've identified these. Okay. Now we have the belief.

[00:26:10] You gave us a bonus one of, you know, makes me, you know, good enough are my achievements. Yeah. Okay. Here's a belief. I'm not good enough. Yeah. Survival strategy. What makes me good enough is achieving things. So now I have to keep achieving things to hold this beach ball called I'm not good enough underwater. And that's why it's workaholism. Survival strategies are driven. They drive your behavior, right? Right.

[00:26:38] If what makes you good enough is doing something, you have to keep doing it because this is going to keep coming up. Right. Okay. Or you keep chasing the almighty dollar. You keep saying, I, you know, when I do this, then I can then do that. And you just never celebrate. Yeah. Never enough. Never enough. Okay. So this is how your beliefs get formed. Okay. So I was listening to one of the podcasts and people talk about your inner child.

[00:27:04] And I have a very not good reaction to that because people live as if like there's this inner child inside them and it's running the show. And I want to just tweak it a little bit. We have beliefs that are running the show, right? No doubt. They get formed in childhood. So you come into this world. You don't know if you're good enough or not good enough. You don't know if life is hard or easy. You don't know anything.

[00:27:33] And you come into this little world called your family, mom and mom, mom and dad, dad and mom, single mom, whatever it is. Now, every child alive wants three things. Every child, I have clients in Saudi Arabia. I have clients in every country. They all ask the same question. What's the one question every child asks all day long? Little kids. Why?

[00:28:02] Why can't? That's so true. And I'm still asking that question. Why can't I have dessert? Why can't I go out? Why can't I go? Why do I have to go to sleep? Why do I have to do my homework? So little kids ask why, right? Why is mommy and daddy criticizing me? I guess I'm not good enough. Why are they looking at their iPhone when they talk to me?

[00:28:31] Why are they never around? Why am I not meaning? What you're saying is that the little kid is putting meaning behind it. Exactly. But the meaning turns into beliefs. Right. So beliefs get formed in the past. Meaning gets formed in the moment. The meaning you give events come from your beliefs. If you believe dogs are dangerous, dog comes into the room, you're going to give it the meaning.

[00:29:01] They're going to hurt me. And then you feel fear. So that's- Can I ask you a question? This is an interesting one that you just brought up. So can you create additional limiting beliefs as you get older or the core limiting beliefs that you have based on when you were young? Like you mentioned the dog thing. Yeah. I never had a fear of dogs. And then about four years ago during COVID, a dog attacked my husband and me when we were out walking. Yeah.

[00:29:30] I have a whole new reaction to dogs now. Yeah. Yeah. In extreme cases, yes. In cases like that. Most are from- Most are from- Yeah. Okay. Yep. Beliefs about men are generally about your dad. But sometimes it could be from your first boss or something unlikely. So you come into this world and let's assume, so this every child alive wants affection

[00:30:00] attention and acknowledgement, period. End of story. So if they're not getting affection, they conclude I'm not lovable. If they're not getting attention, they conclude I'm not important. They can, if they're not, if they're getting criticized, they conclude I'm not good enough. And since nobody has parenting skills, which is why I created a parenting course, everybody has these beliefs, right? So- So it was affection, attention, and criticized. And acknowledgement, right. And acknowledge, yeah.

[00:30:29] Attention, affection, acknowledgement. It's alliterated and it's perfect. Yeah. That's true. Acknowledgement. Got it. So now, here's why. This is the secret sauce, the juice, the everything. And I've been doing this for over 35 years and like that, I mean, like a lot of people. When I ask people, so we-

[00:30:59] That was a juicy pregnant pause there. Yeah. I'm like, did we lose you? No. This is so good. This is suspenseful because I'm like, I wonder where she's going with this. So I have a pattern. Yeah. Yeah. I have one of the beliefs that caused the pattern. I'm now about to eliminate it. Where did it come from? Well, I formed it when I was a kid. Okay. What happened? Now, we look at alternative interpretations.

[00:31:29] So we break up the reality of it. Well, the fact that you, your father criticized you could mean you're not good enough. And it could mean your father was a critical person. And it could mean that he thought you were so wonderful that he, that was, he was just a lousy teenager. And even if he thought you weren't good enough, that doesn't mean you're not. Maybe you weren't good enough as a kid. So we just do that. That's a game. Now, here's the juice.

[00:31:57] Doesn't it seem like, and everybody listening, doesn't it seem like as a child, you saw I'm not good enough or life is hard or men can't be trusted or people are horrible, whatever belief you have. If you go back to your childhood, doesn't it seem like you saw that? Yeah.

[00:32:27] That was pretty much like, Hey, I'm validating. Like, yep, there it is. Yeah. So we're watching a video and I say to people, doesn't it seem like you saw I'm not good enough? And everybody says, yes. Now, if somebody said to you, most of you are listening. Okay. Okay. So I have red hair. So if you're watching me and somebody said, Shelly's a blonde, you'd say, no, she's not. And they say, no, no, she is.

[00:32:54] And you'd say, no, I saw her yesterday on a podcast. She has red hair. So I'm going to make a statement. I'm going to say it twice because this is everything. It is impossible to not believe something you think you saw. It is impossible to not believe something you think you saw.

[00:33:23] Santa Claus. For eight years, you believe in Santa Claus. And then one day you go, Daddy? Like my niece when she saw it with her father and she went, Daddy? Oh, my God. In that moment, you get, I never saw Santa Claus. I made that up. What happens to the belief in Santa Claus?

[00:33:53] Just shatters. Gone. And never comes back. That's really an interesting example. Okay. So I never saw I'm not good enough. I saw my father criticize me. I never saw money is scarce and hard to get.

[00:34:22] I saw my parents struggling with money. I never saw. Now, listen to me. Anything you could see. So everybody listening, look at something on your desk or in your living room, wherever you are. Does what you're looking at have a color, shape, and location?

[00:34:53] Anything you could see has a color, shape, and location. You cannot see I'm not good enough. Life is hard. I'll never get what I want. That is really powerful. I have never heard it explained that way. Yeah.

[00:35:18] So once you do this and you talk about, let's say, I know, and I talk about this on the show quite a bit, is that I had divorced parents. And when I was young at four, I was going back and forth, L.A. to San Francisco. And I was on a plane. And I never felt like I belonged. Right? I'm here. I'm there. I'm out. We moved 11 times. I'm like, where do I belong? Where do I sit in this thing called life? Yes.

[00:35:43] And what you're saying is that I never saw I don't belong. So explain what I... What did you see? I saw two different families. I saw multiple houses. I saw tears in the mirror. Being on a plane. Yep. Saw being on a plane.

[00:36:06] Saw my brother and I walking through airports together, you know, with the little person that's always supposed to take you to the plane those days. Yep. Yep. I got it. And where was I don't belong? If it wasn't out there to... So did you ever see who I am? I don't belong. I'll never belong. I just don't. I don't belong. Did you ever see that? No. No.

[00:36:36] Because you can't see that. That doesn't have a culture. But you can see not, you know, being here, being there, being here, being there. Not being able to have friends that you can, you know, have a... I have a feeling about it. Good. Yeah. But we're going to talk about the feeling in a second. I'll talk about the feeling. But did you ever see I don't belong? Good. Nope. So if it wasn't... We're saying it's the shape, the color, the... Right. No. You're right. Did not.

[00:37:03] If you never saw I don't belong, what did you see? And you saw those events. So if I don't belong wasn't out there to be seen, where was it? A figment of my imagination. In your mind. Right. You made that up. Yep. Mic drop. Mic drop. Okay. Now I got a second mic drop. That's the first mic drop. Okay.

[00:37:33] Now, doesn't it seem like those events made you feel like you didn't belong? Mm. A hundred percent. Okay. What does it really mean? Remember at the beginning I talked about meaning is in your mind, right? So if meaning is in your mind, events don't have meaning, right? I don't know anything for sure because something happens.

[00:38:00] So what does it mean that as a child you didn't feel like you belonged because you had to go back and forth? What meaning does that have? It means that I wasn't, nobody wanted me. No, no. I didn't have. Okay. So those are more beliefs. Oh, okay. What do I mean? So if meaning is in your mind, what meaning do the events have? I mean, based on what you said, none.

[00:38:29] Not based on what I said. Just none. None. I mean, none. If they don't have an event, there's nothing there. No, no, no. There is an event. My husband died. That was the event. Consequences? Absolutely. Meaning, does the fact that he died mean I'm never going to be happy again? No. Does it mean I'm going to starve to death? No.

[00:38:58] These are some of the meanings I did give it, by the way. Mm-hmm. But does it mean I'll never love again? So you're saying the meaning I put is that I won't belong anywhere. Right. So that who I am doesn't belong. That's the meaning. But what do the events really mean? So where do we look? So right now, Hill, you're looking for meaning. Where are you looking?

[00:39:29] I'm looking again at the situation. No. You're looking inside your head. What does it mean? What does she mean by this? Meaning is in your mind. And the thoughts associated with it. No. Meaning is... You're not... Meaning is in your mind. Period. That's it. So if it's in your mind, is it in the events? No, it's in your mind. Don't...

[00:39:56] Is there any event in the whole world that has inherent meaning? Where the meaning is in the event? It has everybody has the same... Gives it... No. The Holocaust. No. Has no meaning. It doesn't mean all Germans are bad. It doesn't mean Germans are Nazis. It doesn't mean... No, it's the meaning we put on it. Mm-hmm. No, no. Don't go there yet. Everybody says that. Don't go there. Am I jumping right? The meaning we put on it. That's a phrase that doesn't make any sense.

[00:40:24] So I want you to just stay with... What does it mean that when you were a kid, you had to go back and forth and you didn't feel like you belong? What meaning does that have? What do I know for sure about the rest of your life? Nothing. Nothing. Can events that have no meaning make you feel anything? No. No. No. So everybody do this with me. You're walking down the street.

[00:40:53] A man walks past you. What do you feel? If it has no meaning, sorry. What do you feel? Nothing. If you give it the meaning he's dangerous, what are you going to feel? Fearful. If you give it the meaning he'll protect me, what are you going to feel? Confident. Safe. Safe. The man walking past you isn't causing your feelings. I work with sexual abuse survivors. Okay? Best thing I do in the world.

[00:41:23] Get rid of the beliefs. I'm damaged goods. I'm worthless. I'm powerless. All those beliefs. But then we go to this step. What happened to you is terrible. I'm not minimizing it. It was horrible. But if you walked away from it going, that was yucky. Hope that never happens again. It's not going to traumatize you. So it's the meaning that we give the events that traumatize us. The beliefs that we form. Right?

[00:41:53] Yes. So going back to you, Miss Hillary, what does it mean that you didn't, that you had to do that when you were a kid? What meaning does it have? The meaning is that it's nothing. Nothing. It has no meaning. Now, where did the feeling I don't belong come from?

[00:42:25] Came from my mind. The meaning you gave the event. So listen, I don't usually do all this. Yeah, this is really solid. The whole, the whole, all of that. All of your feelings come from the meaning you give meaningless events. That's the second mic drop. So good. So close your eyes, Hill.

[00:42:54] And everybody doing this, close your eyes and imagine giving the same events different meaning. So in Hillary's case, imagine thinking, boy, this sucks to go back and forth. When I grow up, I'm going to have a kind of life where I feel stable, where I can live in one place and I can belong. And I'll give that to my family. My kids will have that.

[00:43:22] And I'll give that to my family. So they'll feel like they belong. But the fact that I have to do this doesn't mean any, it doesn't mean I don't belong. I can have friends in California and friends in New York and I can figure it all out. You know, but as a kid, I'm at the effect of my parents. When I grow up, I'll choose my own life. So if you had given the same events that meaning, would you have ever have had the feeling I don't fit in?

[00:43:53] I'm sorry, I don't belong. I don't belong. It's so true. I was thinking immediately went to the airport and walking through and I always felt like it was a very heavy place. Yeah. Even to this day, it's like, oh. But I want you to do this now. But now all of a sudden I'm like, oh, how exciting. It's exciting to get to be on planes. It's exciting. So take a deep breath. Yep. Say out loud, I don't belong. I don't belong.

[00:44:26] Is there any energy at all on that? No. So when you get, I never saw I don't belong. I saw my circumstances as a kid. That's all I saw. I don't belong was something I made up. But it's that seeing piece. Yeah.

[00:44:51] Now you have to figure out what are the specific beliefs underlying the patterns that you have. And then when you get rid of those beliefs, money, money is scarce and hard to get. No, you saw your parents struggle with money. But if Bill Gates was your father, you wouldn't have that belief. Right? This is so powerful.

[00:45:18] And I have to ask you in how you coach people. And this was really powerful, the idea of seeing it. And I did have a shift in understanding. And you nailed it. I created my environment having one house for my children until only a few years ago. They got to live in one house. I had 11 houses. They got to live in one house until they were between 21 and 25. Lucky them.

[00:45:47] I created that because I didn't want them to have the same. Of course. This is really amazing. But I have to ask you, is it as simple as changing it when you talk about how the brain works? Is it literally you shift it and it disappears? We talk about like synaptic pruning where it just literally like dissolves. Is it dissolved?

[00:46:17] A hundred percent. That's great. Because once you get, it's like you can't unsee something, right? That you've seen. It's the same thing. It is really like Santa Claus. It's like, wait a minute. It's a great example. It's like you see a mirage. I see. There it is. There's water. There's, you know, and then you walk up and go, I never saw that. I made that up. It goes away.

[00:46:47] And you're behind. Shelly, this is so powerful. And I have to say, for those that are hearing and they're like, wait, I'm still confused. Let's all go back and replay this. And I think it's also super critical to send this to somebody that you know needs to hear it. This was so good.

[00:47:12] And it was really, for me especially, because you know, I get to talk to thousands of people. I cannot tell you how many podcasters become my clients. Well, yeah, this was a really hilarious. It was very eye-opening.

[00:47:28] I want to give your amazing listeners who are so smart to listen to this, and you should definitely go and go to Apple Podcasts and leave five stars, because it really makes a difference when you do that. Oh, it does. How can people find you? How do they get in touch with you? So I'm going to give you, if you DM me at Shelly Lefkoe, L-E-F-K-O-E, F as in Frank.

[00:47:56] Actually, if you DM me Hillary 15. No, let's say, well, Hillary 27. Because I'm not Hillary 27. It's my lucky number. That's so funny. It's my husband's lucky number, too. And Shelly is S-H-E-L-L-Y. Just so everyone knows. Yep. Yeah. 27? That's so cool. Wow. Okay.

[00:48:20] So you're going to DM me on Instagram, and I will send you access to Eliminate a Belief for free. And you can experience the process. Okay? Now, not everybody can work with me or wants to work with me, which is fine. We have something called natural confidence, and it's the most common 19 beliefs, self-esteem

[00:48:49] beliefs that people have. I'm not good enough. I'm not important. Mistakes and failures are bad. All of those. I'm worthless. I'm whatever. And you go through them with a video, and you do them on your own whenever you want. And they're the beliefs that really cause most of our suffering. So it's very, very inexpensive. It's like nothing, you know, because we want people to be free.

[00:49:17] That's the mission of my company, to have people live as the unlimited possibilities that they are. And what did I call you when you first started? Powerhouse of possibility. Shelley, thank you for being on today. And I always like to say live now, love now, relaunch now. And I would really say relaunch now into simplicity.

[00:49:41] What you just gave us was an eye-opening way to see something differently. Yeah. And I want to say something about relaunch. I love this podcast, and I love what you're doing. Because in my book, I talk about watering all the plants, right? You would never water just one plant. But yet, we don't water all the plants. Our health plant, our relationship plant, our recreational plant.

[00:50:10] You know, I play pickleball every day. That's my recreational plant. Seeing friends. You know, we don't water our career plant, our money plant. And it's because we have these beliefs in the way. But when you're relaunching, it's looking at your life intentionally. And saying, you know what? I can do something different. I can relaunch. And I love that. So thank you for doing that. You are the best.

[00:50:39] I have thoroughly enjoyed this. Me too. I had so much fun going through the exercise. Please, everyone, reach out. Take her up on her offer, Hillary27. And we will put all of this in the show notes. Until next time. You only get out what you put in. So make sure you actually think about it and live this way.

[00:51:07] Start thinking about one, one limiting belief that you could put through this process. And let's see how it changes your life. And that's how you begin your relaunch. Thanks again, everyone. And thank you, Shelly. You're welcome. Thank you, everybody. All right. Your next level is waiting. Thanks for tuning in. This is amazing what we're doing right now. Relaunch into a rich life.

[00:51:37] If today's episode sparks something in you, don't keep it to yourself. Please share it. I'll tell you more later about how that actually helps you have more success yourself. Subscribe so you don't miss one episode. Let's create unstoppable momentum together. So until next time, keep relaunching, keep rising. And remember, it's go time.