Sovereignty in Love- Knowing When to Stay or Leave with Ken Blackman Manon on The Healers Caf
The Healers CaféJanuary 22, 202631:125.76 MB

Sovereignty in Love- Knowing When to Stay or Leave with Ken Blackman Manon on The Healers Caf

In this episode of The Healers Café, Manon Bolliger, speaks to Ken Blackman who discusses the dynamics of breakups, highlighting that anxiously attached individuals often initiate them. Blackman advocates for building relationships that provide mutual support, especially during challenging times, to foster long-term happiness and health.

For the transcript and full story go to: https://www.drmanonbolliger.com/ken-blackman

Highlights from today's episode include:

Ken explains Chemistry vs. intimacy: A great relationship needs both spark and the safety to be fully yourself, not constantly "protecting the vibe."

Ken explains Healthy breakup: A loving split sounds like "I see you, I get what you need, it's valid—but it's outside my range," with mutual respect, grief, and relief.

Manon explains Real freedom: What feels most free is not many partners, but being completely yourself—"weirdness" and all—with one person who truly gets you.

ABOUT KEN BLACKMAN:

A former Apple engineer turned relationship mindset coach and intimacy educator, Ken Blackman is currently celebrating his 25th year helping couples co-create a thriving, fulfilling life partnership and a gourmet love life. His work has garnered mentions in Business Insider, Playboy, Tim Ferriss's 4-Hour series, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. He's a regular featured contributor to The Good Men Project, Better Humans, and his own Medium publication, The Craft of Intimate Coupledom.

Core purpose/passion: I think my superpower as a relationship coach is to be a translator and help them see and understand each other. I tend to listen and ask, listen and ask, until I feel like I see the world through one partner's eyes. Then I do the same with the other partner, listen and ask until I see the world through their eyes. Then I help them see each other. Sometimes translation; is just saying to one partner exactly what I heard the other say, but as though I'm speaking to the most important, honorable person in the world, whom I have the highest regard for.

Facebook | Instagram | Medium | Website | BlueSky | Threads

ABOUT MANON BOLLIGER, RBHT, FCAH:

As a retired Naturopath 1992-2021, I saw an average of 150 patients per week and have helped people ranging from rural farmers in Nova Scotia to stressed out CEOs in Toronto to tri-athletes here in Vancouver.

My resolve to educate, empower and engage people to take charge of their own health is evident in my best-selling books: 'What Patients Don't Say if Doctors Don't Ask: The Mindful Patient-Doctor Relationship' and 'A Healer in Every Household: Simple Solutions for Stress'. and What if Your Body is Smarter than You Think? I am the Founder & CEO of The Bowen College Inc. which teaches BowenFirst™ Therapy and holds transformational workshops to achieve these goals.

So, when I share with you that LISTENing to Your body is a game changer in the healing process, I am speaking from expertise and direct experience".

Mission: A Healer in Every Household!

For more great information to go to her weekly blog: http://bowencollege.com/blog.

For tips on health & healing go to: https://www.drmanonbolliger.com/tips

Follow: Manon Bolliger website | Linktr.ee | Rumble | Gettr | Facebook | Instagram | YouTube | Twitter | LinkedIn |

Follow: Bowen College Inc. | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | YouTube | Twitter | Rumble | Locals

ABOUT THE HEALERS CAFE:

Manon's show is the #1 show for medical practitioners and holistic healers to have heart to heart conversations about their day to day lives.

Subscribe and review on your favourite platform:

iTunes | Google Play | Spotify | Libsyn | iHeartRadio | Gaana | The Healers Cafe | Radio.com | Medioq | Audacy |

Follow The Healers Café on FB: https://www.facebook.com/thehealerscafe

Remember to subscribe if you like our videos. Click the bell if you want to be one of the first people notified of a new release.

* De-Registered, revoked & retired naturopathic physician after 30 years of practice in healthcare. Now resourceful & resolved to share with you all the tools to take care of your health & vitality!


00:00:00
Introduction: Welcome to the Healers Cafe, the #1 show for

00:00:04
medical practitioners and holistic healers to have heart

00:00:08
to heart conversations about their day to day lives while

00:00:13
sharing their expertise for improving your health and

00:00:17
wellness.

00:00:17
Manon Bolliger: Welcome to the Healers Cafe today. I have with

00:00:22
me Ken Blackman, and he his organization basically is about

00:00:28
sovereignty in connection, and he helps indecisive couples

00:00:35
either commit fully or separate amicably without fear or regret

00:00:42
and and then those who go on, he helps them craft a thriving,

00:00:46
loving, fulfilling life partnership. So I mean, that

00:00:51
seems like a wonderful thing to do. You can't lose. So what?

00:00:58
Give us a little bit about your background and how you ended up

00:01:03
in this field?

00:01:05
Ken Blackman: Yeah. So in my 20s, I was a software engineer

00:01:09
at Apple, right? And I was relatively successful, you know,

00:01:14
like most of my life was, I had friends, I had some spending

00:01:18
cash, I did fun things, but I I was terrible when it came to

00:01:22
relationships, just awful. Like I was bad in every way that you

00:01:26
can, that you can, you know, think of I was codependent, I

00:01:32
was misogynistic. I had nice guy syndrome. I was whiny and needy

00:01:40
as a boyfriend, I was bad in bed, like you name it. I was

00:01:43
just not I didn't know what I was doing, and I needed the kind

00:01:48
of help that I now offer to other people. Like I needed,

00:01:51
like, support and coaching and mentoring and like how to have a

00:01:57
healthy, intimate, mature, like fulfilling relationship with it,

00:02:04
with another human being. And that was so transformative for

00:02:08
me that I thought this is the work that I want to do. I want

00:02:13
to help other people have, what, what, what I'm now experiencing

00:02:16
with women. And so I left my career, and, like, studied with

00:02:23
my mentors, and like, like, just did a deep dive into what it

00:02:29
takes for people to have great relationships, and I've never

00:02:32
looked back. This is what I've been doing full time for 25

00:02:35
years.

00:02:36
Manon Bolliger: Now that's, you know, it's a long time. If you

00:02:39
weren't going to have any doubt he would have stopped by now.

00:02:43
So, yeah, so what? I mean, what does it take to know that you

00:02:52
that you should get out of a relationship? Let's start with

00:02:55
that. Because I think a lot of people, you know, I mean, I have

00:02:59
no direct couple relationship, you know, counseling or 30 years

00:03:05
working with people. A lot of health issues come from their

00:03:09
relationships, right from the things they can't deal with, the

00:03:13
stress that it has, the unresolved stuff, but they

00:03:16
don't, dare say, not standing up for themselves, like a whole

00:03:21
bunch of things that give stress and affects your your health. So

00:03:25
what, what have you found? Are they, maybe the main things that

00:03:32
where people don't they, they have a sense they should be a

00:03:35
part, but they can't do it. What are the the things that hinder

00:03:39
this?

00:03:42
Ken Blackman: Yeah, I mean, wow, I could go in so many different

00:03:47
directions. There's somebody, but let me, let me start here.

00:03:50
There's probably a lot to talk about, but let me start here.

00:03:53
There's chemistry, which is, you know, like attraction and how it

00:04:00
good, feels good to be with the other person. And then there's

00:04:04
like connection and intimacy, which is your ability to be

00:04:07
yourself. So if you so a lot of people who have chemistry, what

00:04:18
they're what they find is that they it feels really good. And

00:04:22
then they're really protective, like they don't want to say

00:04:25
something that's going to kill the vibe. You know, they start

00:04:28
to present them their best self, and, and they're doing a lot of

00:04:32
management to have it feel good. Do you know what I mean? Yeah,

00:04:36
yeah. And, and then there's intimacy and connection, where,

00:04:40
really what feels good is, can you be yourself with this human

00:04:44
being, like, are you able to be yourself? And hopefully you have

00:04:49
both, because if you have chemistry, like, if you're going

00:04:52
to be in a long term relationship, people don't

00:04:59
really understand. Transition from we're dating, where you

00:05:02
you're doing, you're on your best behavior, to what it takes

00:05:06
to create a life partnership like a real you. This is the

00:05:10
person you want to do life with. If you haven't transitioned into

00:05:14
you can really, really be yourself with this person. If

00:05:19
you're still like, trying to protect the vibe. If you're

00:05:22
still trying to, like, like, you know, juice, juice, the

00:05:26
chemistry, that after a while that's that's going to be

00:05:30
tiring. And people say, I just like, I, you know, they've been

00:05:35
in the relationship for a while, and they, they kind of feel like

00:05:38
they, they need some time alone. They need to get away all that

00:05:41
stuff. That's because they have a relationship where they can't

00:05:44
actually be themselves,

00:05:46
Manon Bolliger: right? Right? Yeah, makes it so

00:05:49
Ken Blackman: ideally, what you what you want, is to be able to

00:05:51
have both. But that takes courageous honesty, like think

00:05:57
about the things that you are most afraid to share with your

00:06:02
partner, because you're afraid, like the things that you are

00:06:06
most afraid, if they knew this, they would want to leave. That's

00:06:10
the stuff that you need to share in order to get into this deeper

00:06:13
territory where you're genuinely, truly connected with

00:06:17
this person. This person has your back there. You know that

00:06:21
they've chosen you, not some facade like this is you've

00:06:25
chosen each other to be like your your most important person

00:06:31
in your life. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with

00:06:33
someone that you have secrets from, have to put on, put on a

00:06:38
mask with, or that you have to hide something from so it takes

00:06:42
this very courageous level of honesty to get into that

00:06:46
territory, but we all hunger to have that kind of person, that

00:06:50
person who's who's really our person. So no

00:06:55
Manon Bolliger: make sense? Because if you're ultimately, if

00:06:58
you can't be yourself, it's just too much work, or if you're on

00:07:03
eggshells, or, I mean, I've been a few relationships, so I can

00:07:08
tell, you know when, when, finally, I'm comfortable. I am.

00:07:13
I myself, I do, you know, sometimes weird things, but it's

00:07:17
me, and it's really fine. I think that's like, it's so much

00:07:24
nicer than, yeah, then that sort of in between, but then you also

00:07:30
need the chemistry. So what? How do you like? So let's say you're

00:07:37
starting new with somebody, and you get along. The vibe is

00:07:42
right? You you're, you know, there's a lot of people that are

00:07:46
faster now to be more themselves. It's becoming more

00:07:49
popular than it was. But would How do you explain chemistry and

00:07:54
does chemistry disappear? Does it in your mind? How does it

00:07:58
work? Is it something to also work on? Or is it always there?

00:08:01
Or can you,

00:08:03
Ken Blackman: you know, I yeah, there's this belief that, you

00:08:08
know, like a good like people crave variety, or that they

00:08:14
crave novelty, especially in the bedroom. I haven't found that to

00:08:19
be the case at all. I actually think, when you're really, when

00:08:23
you're really connected with someone and honest with someone,

00:08:27
and you can talk about things, you can actually craft a love

00:08:31
life that's better than what you can find. You know you can, you

00:08:35
can have craft it to be better than what you can find. So the

00:08:38
example that I can imagine a couple who decide that they're

00:08:45
going to have they're going to have dinner together a couple of

00:08:47
nights a week. They're going to make dinner together and just

00:08:50
enjoy, enjoy a meal together a couple of nights a week. So you

00:08:55
know, first you have to figure out what's your dietary

00:08:58
restrictions. What's your dietary restrictions, what do

00:09:01
you love to eat? What do you love to eat? And they may not

00:09:03
perfectly match up, but you figure out, how do we make a

00:09:07
meal where both people are getting up totally happy with

00:09:12
the meal, right? That's totally possible. Then, you know, you've

00:09:17
got, you've got your meals dialed in. Then you start to

00:09:20
experiment with different cuisines. You get better. You

00:09:22
get your flow in the kitchen, you know, like, one person's

00:09:25
really good cooking the steak, no one's really good, you know,

00:09:29
roasting the asparagus. You know, you you learn to start

00:09:33
experimenting with different flavors and different you know,

00:09:36
like, well, let's try this. We haven't made this recipe. You

00:09:39
start to play with recipes, and you start to like, make recipes

00:09:43
your own. But you're, each time you're talking about the

00:09:47
experience, you're saying what you like you what you don't

00:09:50
like, you're like, really relating over the meal, right?

00:09:53
You're not just like, picking a recipe in silence, cooking in

00:09:57
silence, you know? Right? Eating in silence. You're talking,

00:10:01
you're like, you're relating over what's enjoyable. So after

00:10:06
a few years, those meals are going to be dialed in, because,

00:10:09
because you've been working together, you know? So your your

00:10:13
love life can be that way too. So that's, that's how I think

00:10:17
about it, like the best of what relationship can offer, the best

00:10:21
chemistry, the best juice, the best you know. The best of it

00:10:26
is, when you're with someone who knows you so well, they know

00:10:30
what feels good to you. They know what right way. They know

00:10:33
you so well. They can anticipate. They can like,

00:10:36
flirt. They can like, there's, there's this dynamic between two

00:10:40
people who know each other really well, that, I think, is

00:10:43
the best of what's of what's possible, not knowledge, not,

00:10:48
you know, right variety,

00:10:50
Manon Bolliger: yeah, yeah, no, I would concur, you know, but

00:10:54
it's, it's true, that it's really a belief out there, not,

00:10:59
I don't think, I mean, I don't know, maybe that's not true. No,

00:11:03
I'll take that back. I've heard it more from from men, but I, I,

00:11:10
I'm now hearing it also from women who start to believe that

00:11:14
that's true, because so many are not, you know, planning to

00:11:17
really settle down, not have kids, all this business. So they

00:11:21
think it's a freedom, you know, but I don't know that that's

00:11:25
really freeing. It's more freeing to really get to know

00:11:30
yourself fully and be with another, you know. So yeah,

00:11:34
Ken Blackman: there's this, there's this amazing quote from

00:11:37
Joni Mitchell, oh, yeah, and she picked it up from a magazine

00:11:40
article that she read. But basically, if you want the same

00:11:45
experience again and again and again, keep seeing other people.

00:11:50
If you want infinite variety, stay with one person. And the

00:11:57
reason she says that is because when you first, when you first

00:12:00
get with someone, you know you've got your stick, you've

00:12:02
got your moves, you got, you know, like the stories you

00:12:05
haven't told them yet. You know you like all this stuff that's

00:12:08
new, right? And pretty soon you've gone through all your

00:12:12
best your all your best moves, all your best stories, all you

00:12:15
know. And at that point you know each other, and you actually

00:12:22
have to break into new territory together, and you have to talk

00:12:26
about stuff you've never talked about before. You have to, like,

00:12:28
get to know each other at a new level, like, that's when the

00:12:32
relationship begins. The, you know, the really good stuff

00:12:35
begins after you've gone through all of your your tricks and your

00:12:39
sticks and your you know, then, then the possibility of

00:12:44
something new that you've never experienced before is possible.

00:12:50
Manon Bolliger: No, I yeah, I would think that that is true.

00:12:53
It's, I mean, I've experimented so many things based on belief

00:12:58
systems. You know, when I I saw that, you know, so many people

00:13:02
so called cheated. I thought, well, I'll never be in a

00:13:05
relationship like that, because I don't believe in that. So I'm

00:13:10
going to call it an open relationship, and therefore it's

00:13:14
allowed, and therefore it's not cheating anymore, you know, and

00:13:19
and in some ways, theoretically, at the time, many years ago, 40

00:13:25
plus, anyway, it felt completely right. It felt it felt like

00:13:31
freedom. But it wasn't freedom. In the end, it didn't feel that,

00:13:40
yeah, it's like you couldn't go further with one even though you

00:13:44
might be more attached to one person. It's like, no what? Why?

00:13:50
Why am I not developing all of it? And you know, why am I not

00:13:55
addressing that original feeling or that fear, you know, that I

00:14:00
would be cheated on, or whatever it is that, you know, yeah, it's

00:14:07
funny.

00:14:07
Ken Blackman: You should bring that up. I practiced like being

00:14:10
in open relationships for years myself, yeah, and what, what we

00:14:16
liked about it was, I'm not going to tell you what not to do

00:14:22
with someone else in order to have what you want with me.

00:14:26
Commercial Break: What would your life be like if you were

00:14:29
pain free? If you were one of the millions who suffer from

00:14:33
chronic pain? The thought of just one day without it may seem

00:14:37
impossible. This is often because conventional medicine

00:14:41
tends to fall short in the treatment of pain, opting to

00:14:44
prescribe pills or recommend surgery rather than getting to

00:14:48
the root cause of the problem. But if you are suffering with

00:14:51
emotional or physical pain, there is hope. Join the founder

00:14:56
and CEO of Bowen College, Manon Bolliger. Live online for your

00:15:02
body, mind reboot, learn how to listen to your symptoms and get

00:15:07
to the root cause of your pain, plus be trained in basic bow and

00:15:11
therapy moves so that you can reboot your body for optimal

00:15:15
health. You don't have to live in pain. You can heal, stop the

00:15:21
pain pill cycle by visiting www.yourbodymindreboot.com to

00:15:27
learn more and to register

00:15:36
Ken Blackman: like, I'm not gonna You don't have to limit

00:15:39
what you have with someone else in order to have everything,

00:15:41
like I care about how the two of us relate. Do you know what I

00:15:44
mean? So there was this great freedom and not limiting each

00:15:49
other and not shrinking each other in order to have

00:15:52
something. And what, what I found was that over time, there

00:15:58
got to, you know, if you're really developing with, with one

00:16:01
person, you get to a place where it's like, oh, this. I don't

00:16:06
really want anyone else. Like, I'm, I'm really liking what we

00:16:10
have at home, you know I mean, like, I don't feel drawn to

00:16:13
anyone else because I, I'm really digging what, what we've

00:16:16
got. That's, that's where you can get to with that, you know

00:16:19
what? I mean, yeah, it isn't. It isn't. It isn't building a moat

00:16:25
around yourself. No, no, exactly No. Get in. It's, it's crafting

00:16:30
something with someone that that just feels amazing

00:16:35
Manon Bolliger: in where I'm at now. It's, it's actually the

00:16:40
most freeing of all relationships, and I've been

00:16:44
doing this one for 20 years, and it's we. We talk completely

00:16:49
freely, and I'm totally free, but there's absolutely no desire

00:16:55
by either of us, you know. But there's the freedom juice and

00:17:01
and it's sort of, it's almost like there's so much fun

00:17:05
developing and, like you say, new territory, things that,

00:17:10
well, I haven't had to look at this situation, or what it's

00:17:13
like to deal with someone in pain, or what it's like to deal

00:17:17
with trauma resurfacing, like you can go so deep and learn so

00:17:23
much, like both partners, right? Then it's like, why would you

00:17:27
want to? You know, it's not, it's not even fun. But when I

00:17:31
think about it, oh, what's it's fun to meet new people a little

00:17:36
bit and then, but it doesn't really like, I'd rather go back

00:17:39
and be home. You know, that's the feeling.

00:17:42
Ken Blackman: Now, I know that's how I feel too. Sometimes I'm

00:17:46
going to spend the rest of my life getting to know my wife

00:17:50
like that's that is a lifelong process of getting to know this

00:17:53
person, yeah, yeah, letting her see more parts of myself. And,

00:17:57
you know, yeah,

00:17:59
Manon Bolliger: right, because you're allowed to discover it.

00:18:02
That's the other part, right? You know, it's like, What's it

00:18:05
like having grandchildren? What kind of grandparents are you?

00:18:08
You know, would you prefer, you know, traveling or spending time

00:18:13
there? How committed like, you know, what? Who comes first? You

00:18:17
know, all these things that you know, you kind of, you know,

00:18:21
yeah, we were all smiling at each other, going, Wow, I'm

00:18:26
looking forward to having the night with nobody around. How

00:18:30
weird, you know, because I'm such a family person, I would

00:18:33
never, ever have thought that I would actually be, you know,

00:18:38
happy, completely wonderful, right? That's ecstatic, yeah,

00:18:47
but I like the idea that when you're in something that's not

00:18:53
quite right, you know? I mean, there's all the blame games and

00:18:56
all that, but let's say you have a higher consciousness, and you

00:18:59
know that it's not about that. It's just partially you're not

00:19:03
being who you are. Yeah, and so there's triggers, something else

00:19:07
is attracting you that maybe you're working through but you

00:19:11
don't want to work through all the way. So it's stuck. The

00:19:14
relationship isn't growing. It's how do you part that amicably?

00:19:20
So what? What is it that you see that when people do it properly,

00:19:26
what happens for Yeah, for

00:19:27
Ken Blackman: you, yeah, which is interesting, because, you

00:19:31
know, some some couples that I work with do end up breaking up,

00:19:35
and what's funny is that they still send me, you know,

00:19:38
referrals, because they're so grateful for what they learned

00:19:42
and having made a decision that they feel good about. And I can

00:19:46
tell you what it sounds like. I'll tell you what it sounds

00:19:49
like when you it sounds like this. I totally see you, I

00:19:55
totally get you. I understand what it is that you're asking

00:19:59
for. For, and I don't think there's anything wrong with what

00:20:04
you're asking for. It's just out of my range, or it's not

00:20:07
something that I'm it's not something I want to do. And I

00:20:11
also feel like, I feel like you understand me. You under you. I

00:20:16
don't think there's any you know. You understand what it is

00:20:19
I'm asking for and what it is I want, and I respect that you

00:20:22
don't want to to. You know, it's out of your range to give me

00:20:26
what I'm asking for, or you don't want that. So, you know, I

00:20:33
have regret that, that we've come to this, this impasse. You

00:20:38
know, I love you dearly and and I am mourning the life that

00:20:45
we've had. I'm also celebrating if that we've had, and frankly,

00:20:49
I feel a sense of relief, along with all that, that we've come

00:20:53
to a decision and word deciding to move on with our lives. And

00:20:58
I'm excited for my next chapter. I looking, you know, I hope you

00:21:01
have your your next chapter is going to be good. And so that's

00:21:06
what it can sound like when you really have realized it's not a

00:21:10
good match. Is you both understand each other. You both

00:21:15
understand what the other one wants, and you know that it's

00:21:19
not what's what's going to work for you.

00:21:24
Manon Bolliger: But I mean, with that, both have to be at a

00:21:27
fairly conscious level, right? Because if I look at earlier

00:21:34
breakups, you know, I can't say either way. You know, I face my

00:21:41
part of being unconscious, as has the other. But I think it's

00:21:48
yeah, it it's like I my questions would be, well,

00:21:52
couldn't I? Couldn't I compromise that? Or couldn't I

00:21:55
change that? Is that, you know, isn't that such a is that such a

00:22:00
big deal. I totally get it. Why can't I blah, blah, blah, right?

00:22:04
You know, isn't that stuff something, at least, you know,

00:22:07
from one of the partners, do you see that a lot,

00:22:10
Ken Blackman: or the sense that you, you, you do, but, but the

00:22:14
thing is, like this kind of gets into the question of whether our

00:22:19
relationship is, quote, worth it, which is a whole topic unto

00:22:22
itself, worth it. You know what I mean? And I do see people

00:22:30
trying and trying and trying and trying, trying and bending

00:22:35
themselves into a pretzel. Do you know what I mean? Like

00:22:37
pretzeling themselves to try and make it work. But the well,

00:22:43
that's that is getting further and further and further away

00:22:46
from, you know, that's more that's more addiction than it is

00:22:49
love. That's more code codependent, yeah,

00:22:56
Manon Bolliger: yeah, no, I guess that's a good point. Yeah,

00:23:00
yeah. When you're constantly bending, it's like you're you're

00:23:05
too afraid to just say, No, whatever it might be, and no, I

00:23:09
don't want to move you across the universe, or, you know, or I

00:23:14
have children here, or whatever the story might be. That are a

00:23:18
value system significant enough, right?

00:23:23
Ken Blackman: If someone believes that they are

00:23:25
unlovable, it's going to be very scary to leave a relationship,

00:23:31
right? Yeah, if someone understands that they are

00:23:34
lovable and that they are worthy and that there's, you know,

00:23:38
there's plenty of opportunity to find someone else like if

00:23:41
they're if they like themselves, if they love them, they don't

00:23:45
have a hard time believing that someone else can like them and

00:23:47
love them, right? And it becomes easier to say, I love what we

00:23:51
have here, but there's something that I want more that I'm not

00:23:55
getting here. And so this isn't good enough. This isn't enough

00:24:00
from like, the good, the good here isn't good enough for me to

00:24:04
want to stay and compromise this thing that I actually hunger

00:24:07
for, that I'm not getting here, right?

00:24:10
Manon Bolliger: Yeah, that makes sense, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

00:24:13
you better get there, yeah. But that's what I mean. It takes a

00:24:15
certain consciousness to realize that you're, you know, you're

00:24:19
not in a where you're that it could be a codependent

00:24:22
relationship, right? Yeah, yeah. So have you ever dealt with

00:24:26
codependent relationships that the one of them might be super

00:24:31
attached to making it work, the other one is potentially ready

00:24:36
to move on? How do you deal with them?

00:24:39
Ken Blackman: Well, it's funny. So, you know, there's, there's

00:24:43
this talk these days about attachment styles, right? And so

00:24:48
there's anxiously attached. And often someone who's anxiously

00:24:52
attached will be in a relationship with someone who's

00:24:56
avoidantly attached. For some reason, the combination. Happens

00:25:00
a lot, yeah, but the truth is, on a practical level, the

00:25:06
anxiously attached one is actually the greater flight

00:25:09
risk. They're the they're the ones that are like so we're

00:25:18
literally anxious that about whether this relationship is

00:25:21
going to work and trying so hard, they're actually usually

00:25:25
the one that calls it first and says, This isn't this isn't

00:25:29
working for me. So when? So that that finding really surprised

00:25:35
me, because you you know, no, the person who has the most fear

00:25:40
of abandonment is more likely to leave than the avoidant one. The

00:25:48
avoidant one just has their walls up, right?

00:25:52
Manon Bolliger: Yeah, I guess what makes sense, yes. But

00:25:54
usually,

00:25:55
Ken Blackman: when the breakup happens, it's the it's the

00:25:57
anxiously attached one who does the breakup because they can't

00:26:01
stand the they can't stand the the indecisiveness. They can't

00:26:08
stand the partner having their walls up. They can't stand not

00:26:12
being not having connection. They can't stand their partner

00:26:15
running away. They like they they just get fed up with it,

00:26:20
right?

00:26:20
Manon Bolliger: Yeah, yeah, it does actually make sense. We can

00:26:25
break it down a bit more than it would be more of a trigger,

00:26:30
yeah, interesting. So we have like, five minutes left, and I

00:26:36
realized I've just been sounding it a question. Is there

00:26:39
something you would like to share right off of, you know,

00:26:42
and then also how, how people can get hold of you. How do you

00:26:45
work? Do you have any, yeah, you know, books that people can get,

00:26:50
or articles, or how do people find out about you? Just maybe,

00:26:53
you know, take the last

00:26:54
Ken Blackman: one, you know, there again, they're like, I

00:27:01
could talk for 18 or 20 hours about something, but I think

00:27:04
what, given what we've talked about so far, I want to leave

00:27:07
your your audience, with this thought, when your life is good,

00:27:14
you know when times are good, when things are going well in

00:27:17
your life in general, it's really easy To be in love and

00:27:21
have it feel wonderful, and then when things get hard, when it's

00:27:25
when life itself is challenging, like I live in Chicago right now

00:27:31
and it's challenging to be in Chicago right now. Oh yes, I can

00:27:33
imagine so. So whatever it is, if you're like when your life is

00:27:38
challenged, yes, you are going to learn something about your

00:27:42
relationship, because either you're going to be thinking,

00:27:47
this is really a difficult life situation, and I am so glad to

00:27:51
be going through this with you. I am so glad I have you by my

00:27:55
side during these challenges times, or your or your partner

00:28:02
is going to feel more burdensome. Like they're going

00:28:05
to feel like, you know, wow, I have all this stuff I'm trying

00:28:08
to deal with in my life, and now I have to deal with you too,

00:28:11
like, you know, it could feel like your partner is, is, is a

00:28:17
burden, and you'd be better off without them. So that tells you

00:28:23
something about the health and vitality of the relationship.

00:28:27
And so what you want to do, everything we've been talking

00:28:30
about, is what it takes to build that relationship, the kind of

00:28:34
relationship that feels like, you know, times are really

00:28:38
tough, and I am so grateful I'm not alone. I'm so grateful doing

00:28:42
this together. You know, all the stuff we've been talking about,

00:28:46
it's is for, for that kind of relationship?

00:28:50
Manon Bolliger: Yeah, well, it's a really good point, because, I

00:28:54
mean, there's always stressful periods, and there's general

00:28:57
stressors in life, but I think to many people. The last four or

00:29:02
five years has been very stressful and, and it's, it's

00:29:08
brought some people apart because of fundamental

00:29:13
differences in in belief, you know, and, and then you know, if

00:29:18
you're the tin hat boiled person or the oddball, that whatever

00:29:22
stands up, you know, it's going to bring you a hell of a lot

00:29:27
closer. If your partner is on the same page and you're like,

00:29:32
Thank God there's peace, otherwise you feel like you're

00:29:36
having crazy right? So I think this can really, yeah, it can

00:29:42
make the relationship even closer, because it's a tough

00:29:45
time to stand up, endless, you know, yeah, interesting.

00:29:51
Ken Blackman: Now, as far as, as far as how to reach me, I'll

00:29:55
give you a URL to my blog. No, like this is, this is where. You

00:30:00
can really read more about me, and you can find links to to

00:30:04
reach out to me if you want support or coaching. So it's Ken

00:30:10
blackmon.medium.com, Ken blackman.medium.com, great.

00:30:17
Manon Bolliger: And then we'll have it also written on the

00:30:19
website and everything, so people can get hold of you.

00:30:23
Well, thank you. That's a lot of information in a short half an

00:30:27
hour, but I think we covered quite a bit. I'm sure there's so

00:30:31
much more.

00:30:32
Ken Blackman: Thank you so much for having me on. It's been a

00:30:34
great yeah, no,

00:30:35
Manon Bolliger: I find this, you know, fascinating, and all of

00:30:39
these aspects impact health. Okay, thank you.

00:30:46
Ending: Thank you for joining us at the healers cafe. If you

00:30:51
haven't already done so, please like comment and subscribe with

00:30:55
notifications on as I post a new podcast every Wednesday with

00:31:01
tons of useful information and tips for natural healing that

00:31:05
you won't want to miss you.