When Loving Your Dog Isn’t Always Easy

Hello, darling. Today we're doing something a little

different. I'm sitting on my couch with someone very, very

special to me. My son shows girlfriend Emely. Hello. Emely

is an animal lover and advocate. She has three cats. She found

them at work as stray kittens, and she also has a dog named

Fender, and Fender, how shall we describe Fender? Oh

my goodness, a big energetic ball. He is the most

hyper and most happiest dog I have ever met. Besides, like you

know, other dogs with their owners, but for me specifically,

he is a ball of energy. I know he's a lot. He's a lot, but I

love it. Small boars. And what breed is he? He's an English

Springer Spaniel. And he technically their breeds love to

be outdoors, and they are very energetic. That's that's just in

their like genetics, I guess. But oh my goodness, he is

definitely someone that I constantly need to like be doing

stuff with. Like I said, a ball of energy.

Yeah, I have seen him.

How old is he? He is about to turn three in a couple

of months, he's still a baby to me. I feel like

I think all of our babies stay babies forever. A

little while ago, Emily asked me a question. She asked me, Coco,

what do you do when Mana does something bad? And I burst out

laughing and said, Mana doesn't do anything bad. But afterward,

I kept thinking about that question, not because Mana is a

perfect angel. I kept wondering about what sometimes happens to

us when loving someone isn't always easy.

So that's what I want to wonder about it with Emely today. Do

you remember asking me about the idea? I hear you do. So what was

happening with Fender when you asked me that?

Honestly, it's not even what was happening in that

moment. It's ever since I got him as a puppet. He, like I

said, has always had all this energy, and I feel like the

challenge that like I face when he does something bad.

Technically, it's not a bad thing, but I feel like as an

owner from me, I'm doing the bad part. And he like when he sees

people, he gets so excited. But since he's such a heavy dog when

he jumps on people, it hurts them, right? Or you're like, oh,

and I feel like he doesn't understand his strength, and so

in a way, I know that's not something that's bad about him,

but it definitely is a challenge, and then it makes me

feel like a bad owner, so technically I feel like I'm the

one that's bad. And then there's another thing that he's just he

loves the trash. He's like a raccoon, and that's the bad

thing I don't like. Like I've told him multiple times, don't

go in the trash. You need to stop this. But as an owner, how

can I fix that? And that's what I'm not sure about. So, talking

about these things now, I'm kind of realizing I'm like, oh my

gosh, it's maybe my fault. It is my fault because he, at the end

of the day, he is a dog. He is also family, and so I'm like I

can't get mad at him for doing something bad when it's

something I can fix on my own, and technically it isn't even

bad. I see it in that way because I'm like he's not

listening, right? But I think I also asked you that question too

because I'm like when Maya does something that like you know she

shouldn't be doing or anything. I'm like, do you consider that

her being bad? And you don't because you're like, no, she's

just like there's certain ways you can take about it. I feel

like, and that's something I've learned a lot from you since

I've known you to go different ways about, like, okay, my

puppy's just like so excited, or he's just like, or he's bored,

and he like is like, if she's not gonna give me attention, I'm

gonna go dig in the trash in the in the bathroom, but you know

that's something that I think I wanted to ask you because

there's certain situations where I like get into like being like

upset that he's not doing something he shouldn't be doing.

If that makes sense, yeah,

it makes perfect sense. But I think as a pet

parent. Or human kids parent, we all go through their behavior,

reflecting on us. That's what I'm actually hearing what you're

saying. So Fender has a lot of energy, as everybody knows, but

that makes him Fender Fender, right? What's something he does

that drives you completely crazy, and something he does

that instantly makes you forget?

Something that instantly drives me crazy is right when I

wake up in the morning. It's like he knows the time, and he

doesn't even have a clock, but once it hits eight a.m. he's

like, oh, like he starts howling to wake me up, and he's like, I

need to go on a walk now, and I get so annoyed because I'm like,

I just want to sleep, like I want to sleep in, but as a dog

odor, you cannot sleep in because they're like, I'm up and

ready to go pee and do my stuff, but the one thing that instantly

makes me forgive him is actually him speaking. Even though he

wakes me up to like from him speaking, when we go out, he

does his little stretch and he goes, "Oh, oh, and he does like

the cutest little howl, and it's so soft. It's not his like usual

rough, strong bark. It is the most softest, cutest howl. And

I'm like, okay, I can't be mad at you that you woke me up. And

he does this. It's like he knows to talk to you

when

you get upset with him, I know what to do, and it's him

talking. The way he uses his voice makes me feel like okay.

My heart, a part of my heart, is like you know being vocal, and

that's what I love about it. He, I instantly forgive him once he

starts talking, even though he makes me mad when he wakes me up

in the morning with him talking. So

it's the love language you and Fender

shares. I believe so. Yes, I love to talk to him too

when I want to share my affection. Like I always have

that like baby voice that he instantly just knows that I use

for him specifically, which is kind of crazy because I feel

like he knows and he understands.

Yeah, of course he understands. Yeah,

but when he speaks back to me, I also feel like he's

telling me he loves me, and I understand because he's like,

I'm sorry, mom. I woke you up, but I love you, and we're gonna

have a good day today. That's how I feel.

So cute. That's precious. Yeah, I love that

because I think all of us has like I have a relationship with

Mana that other people don't understand, and like a little

noise she makes, or little physical movement she does, that

I understand. So I think you and Fender does that

100% I feel like sometimes there's little things

that Fender does, but I'm like he's doing that because he loves

you. I'm the only one that will understand that because I raised

him since he was a little baby, just like how you did with your

animals. Like you know their little specific love languages,

and I feel like sometimes Fender tries to show my boyfriend show

your son best person ever. There's like little things that

he tries to do with him that he's like, "What are you doing?

But I'm like, "No, he's doing that because he's like, I love

you. Like when Shoga told me he wants to lick his hand because

he loves to lick hands. I don't understand why, but he's like,

"I literally just want you to know that I want to give you

kisses because when he was growing up, I would just be like

kisses, kisses. That's his like you know he knows to do that.

But yes, I feel like I am definitely the main person that

knows all his little love languages, unlike other people

or like my family or friends. But that's also the best part of

being an owner because no one else gets to share that bond in

a ways. And

Fender is your baby, and you're his mom.

Yeah, and it's the best feeling.

Yeah, I get that. I share that part. So you have

your own love language that you share with Fender and ins and

out of Fender, but what about other people? Perhaps not see

about Fender, or there are things that you go Fender is not

like that, or other people may the first thing they see Fender

before. People get to know Fender. What do they see?

It's so funny because the way I described him is being a

ball of energy. But when you get to meet him and like just be

with him, all he wants to do is just sleep on your lap. He is

the biggest cuddle bug I've met. He loves to cuddle, and he'll

cuddle anyone. And like, if he like gets comfortable with you,

he'll be like, "Okay, I want to sleep on you. He he thinks he's

mana size, and mind you, he's 50 pounds.

Yeah, not like a tiny level. No, he's he's a big

dog, and he will kick his feet to like try to get in your

lap. I think that's like one thing that people don't really

see, like because he comes at you with so much energy, with so

much hopefulness, and since his bark is so powerful, he seems

like he's a scary dog. But he is the most sweetest, and like not

a thought in his mind. Like there's never a thought in his

mind. I feel like in the best way possible because he's he's

so cute that he just doesn't even want to think about

anything. Like he's like I'm happy, and I'm gonna continue to

be happy. But that's one thing I feel like a lot of people don't

see instantly with him is that he is a snuggle bug, and who

will be calm once it's just you and him, or when you're just

calm and it's with the people he loves. But I think that's really

hard for other people to see from the outside because they

don't get to spend a lot of time with him, they just like I feel

like the people who do meet him will just see him for a little

bit, and it's always craziness with him. But once he calms down

and is like, "Okay, I'm with the people I actually do love and

feel comfortable with, and he just becomes like, just the

biggest snuggle bug. He is the sweetest baby, but that's those

are the times where I feel like I'm like, I wish other people

from the outside could see this part of you.

I have noticed his sweetness from the beginning.

When I met Fender for the first time, I could tell he is like

bouncing ball. He's full of energy, but the energy of Fender

is so sweet. You have seen Mana Tomly supervise while I record

episodes, but today

she is excited that Emily and Shaw are here, and all the cats

are down here, so all my babies are just so excited to have on

the in show. So there's a little more noise during this episode,

but they're just very very happy. And

noise is always so perfect. The noise is beautiful.

Usually, when I do solo episode, like you have seen

and heard, Mana is very in her princess, the director chair.

But today, all my babies are just happy and excited all over

the house right now. But this is a part of having fur babies,

part of our family, right? Like this is like normal household

for I bet for most of you, so we'll continue.

Yes, no, it's never quiet when you have a birthday.

So now let me just explain this. Soda is in his. I

gave him cardboard box for his birthday last month. Soda is in

the box. Mina wants him out of the box. She's not. She's like,

get out. So I want to go back to what you were saying before.

When Fender is having a challenging moment, what happens

inside of you? I know you started talk a little bit about

that.

I feel like when he is having a challenging moment, I

ever since I was a little kid, I feel like I've always suffered

with anxiety, and of course, obviously, I think most people

do. But when he is having a challenging moment, I feel like

I'm like, okay, how do I calm myself down right now to calm

him down? And that's a really hard thing for me, especially

like in my early 20s, like trying to like also learn about

my own emotions. I'm like, I feel like I have to like tell

myself he is an animal, but he is your baby, so you need to

learn how to talk to him. And obviously, he won't be able to

communicate with me the way that us like humans do. But I know

he'll understand, and I think that. That that's something

that's been like kind of hard getting him as a young age too,

especially with being such an active dog. That it gives me

anxiety because I'm like, am I doing the right thing? Am I

getting him in trouble in the right way? Should I be getting

him in trouble? Like I sometimes I feel like I second guess like

what I should be doing as an owner because he is also still

learning and it is my job to train him in the ways that he

should be trained. But sometimes it's hard. I get so much anxiety

and he does make me cry sometimes because I'm like

you're not listening to me, and I do talk to Joe about those

situations as well. I'm like, I feel like he's not listening,

and I'm just like, I don't know what to do, and then I get super

overwhelmed, and that's not fair to him either because he's like,

what do you mean you're my owner? Like you have to be

patient with me, and that's also something I had to learn too.

That I was always really impatient as a kid, but getting

him getting him honestly has made me become so much more

patient. And I don't know. There, in ways, I do think that

like the way he makes me feel, I'm like, okay, I have anxiety

right now. I don't know how to get you in trouble, but then

also I'm like, I like to have this type of feeling because I

would, I wouldn't feel like me whole if I didn't have this from

you because he gives me that kind of like, like life is not

perfect, but I am perfect for you. And even though I can't be

perfect, you still consider me perfect, and I do. Like even

though you're not perfect, you are perfect to me. And I think

that's something he has made me learn. But definitely, anxiety

is what I feel when he is doing something you shouldn't be doing

because he's also so strong and so big, and I sometimes like I'm

I get nervous like if like I can't calm you down like

something bad's gonna happen. I don't want anything bad to

happen, and I know he doesn't have like a bone like that in

his body, but he's just so much bigger that I'm like I need to

control you when you do get like this, if that makes sense.

Yeah, I totally resonate how our children,

whether it's human kids or our far babies, when they behave or

when they're having challenges that we take in on ourselves

very personally because they are our children and they know it

reflects. But I think you just said something profound that you

said they see you whole, they see you perfect, and that's the

one of the most beautiful thing in our relationship with our

animals is that we are also the most beautiful thing that

happened to

them. That's true. Yeah, I honestly didn't see it in that

way, either.

I know. I think you didn't even realize it when you

said

it. No, you didn't. You

know, it came out, but I don't think you sat with

what you just said. So I wanted to bring you know that back up

because it's such a profound reflection that for Fender,

you're perfect. You're whole. You're perfect, mom, and you are

the best thing ever happened to Fender.

And sometimes it's hard to see that in myself that I am

all of that for him. But hearing that, it does make me feel good,

and it does make me realize, like I am his everything, and

you know I am perfect to him because I, you know, I can

provide for him and give him everything he needs. Oh my God,

I didn't even realize that.

And you're his mom that I know that when you come

over for dinner or whatever you're always thinking about.

Okay, I need to go home because I don't want him to be alone

this long. But you are always constantly thinking about

Fender, what's good for him, and what's better for him, his

health, his well-being, and his heart. Right? You understand his

language. You always make sure that he's happy and he's well.

And for some reason, I feel like he understands

us.

Yeah, he understands. They understand our language,

and it's so crazy because they can't tell us that

they do. So,

do you ever compare Fender to other dogs? You know,

not really, but I okay. I do compare him to seeing other dogs

that are more calm, that listen to their owners a little bit,

like more faster than he does, because he's a very smart dog,

one of the smartest dogs I had ever met, and I know he likes to

do it on purpose, and I'll listen. But when I see these

posts, when I go on social media, like TikTok and stuff,

and they're like, "Oh, my dog just turned one. My dog just

turned two, and like the dog is off leash and like is perfectly

calm and like sitting next to their partner or like their

owner. I'm like, okay, like why can't thunder be like that? And

so yeah, I do compare, but also I'm like they probably do

different things and take that route of owning a dog

differently, and I never want to tell myself I'm a bad owner

because I know I'm an amazing owner. But I, when I look at

these things and I compare them, I'm comparing myself to someone

who is constantly going on hikes, who is constantly

outdoors, who is like always doing these things when they

have the free time, and me, I'm like he's a construction dog. I

take him to my work, but I also can't be without him, so he does

go everywhere with me. And one thing that I feel like I really

like on myself about is that like I see these other owners

with these younger animals that are more behaved than him and

all that, but I'm like, okay, no, I'm not gonna compare myself

to anyone else because at the end of the day, I'm doing my

best. I love him so much, and the when when I do have the time

for him, I'm always there. And then I think about it, I'm like,

wait, it's not that I don't have the time. He's with me 24/7. He

just wants to be a crazy boy. But also at the same time, I

know I need to be straight with him. But I think I do compare

quite a bit.

I think we do this measuring in everyday life or in

our society, not just our relationship with our animals. I

think we measure looking at social media or compare yourself

with people in the magazine or something, the world is how do I

say it? Measuring is part of the world we live in. I think we do

that so much with ourselves, with our kids, with our animals.

But then I think it's important that we just pause and, like you

are saying, I know I'm doing my best. I know I'm good mom

defender

Yes, and I think that's like where like I also stop

myself from being like from overthinking so much because I'm

like okay. I'm in my early 20s. I am, you know, living on my own

without my parents. I have this amazing relationship. So so much

is changing my life as I'm getting into my 20s. That with

Fender, I also feel like getting him was such a big change. One

of the biggest changes, because I don't know how it feels to

have a human baby. I definitely know what it feels like to have

a fur baby, and they are knee deep, needy human babies-they

grow up, they become independent. They don't need us

too much as they need. But for babies, they will need us till

their end of life, and and that's one thing that also,

like, I think I think about too is that they have such much

shorter lifespan than we do, so like we deserve to give them the

world. Yes, the world. But yeah, I don't. I don't know. I just I

feel like definitely Fender was a big change, but in the best

way possible.

Fender, you chose each other, right? Because even

same breed, different dog will be different than Fender. Fender

is one and only. Every single of those little souls are

different. So, before you got Fender, did you have a vision of

what a good dog is? How your life with a dog will be?

Growing up, I knew I always wanted a dog, but I

wanted to start off with cats first because I knew they were a

little bit easier. You didn't have to take them out or

anything. But before I got a dog, I would see all these

movies like Marley and Me. Have you seen that? It's so cute, but

it's so sad. And watching that movie, it's like the beginning.

He's a crazy dog. He's he's a bad boy, and then as he gets

older, he's very calm and literally is your best friend

and has been your best friend since a baby. But like, will not

leave your side at all. And I feel like at a young age, even

though they're energetic and all that, they're like, even though

I want to be by your side, I'm still gonna go do my own crazy

little thing. But then you get to this like stage in their life

that I feel like they like calm down and all of that. That like,

I don't know. I I always imagine that that's how having a dog

would be like, and right now I feel like I'm in the stage where

he's super crazy, so I'm not sure how the next stage will be,

and it makes me sad to think about the next stage. But yes, I

definitely did have a vision, so I want to go back a little bit

to what Fender is receiving from you. Oh, snacks, love. love

snacks love and I think definitely a lot of I don't know

how you would say this word like a lot of comfort. I constantly

want to be hugging him. I constantly like just like want

to be with him. I don't know if that's a bad thing to do as an

owner, but to me, I feel like it makes him happy and it makes me

happy. But like one thing is definitely just like the

constant affection.

Tell me more about you. Just said I don't know if

it's a bad thing. Tell me more about that

because I've always heard that you know when you spoil

your kids too much, they grow up and turn out to be like more

like ignorant and snobby. I think that's like from what I've

read. I'm not sure that's how everyone feels, but just so you

know,

your boyfriend, my youngest son, show was spoiled

to death. So I just want to throw that in there.

I hope you know that I love spoiling. Like growing up

with a younger brother and also having a sister that was so and

a mom that were so giving. I love to spoil the people I love.

Love to spoil the animals I love. Like it's my favorite

thing. But also, I don't know that like for an animal, for a

dog, if he thinks that I'm just letting him do whatever he

wants, like oh, you can just walk all over me because I'm

spoiling you, so sometimes I don't know if that's a good

thing all the time because he's very smart. He is very smart,

and I feel like he does know the times where I'm like you need to

listen to me, and he's like she won't get mad at me, so I'm

gonna keep doing whatever I want, and I think that becomes a

really big challenge as well because then I'm like I don't

want to like I don't want to like be upset with you because

you're not listening. But then I also hate being upset with him,

so it's just like such a confusing thing to be angry with

the animal I loved so much. It's it's confusing because I don't

it it doesn't even feel like anger. I'm just like you were

listening two minutes ago, but now that you're doing something

you shouldn't be doing, why aren't you listening? And I

think that's a really big challenge I faced with him too

because like I I don't like getting mad at my animals. It's

like I love them so much. Like they don't deserve to get mad

at. He's so smart. I'm like I know you know what you're doing

is wrong. He'll walk all over me, and that's why I'm like I

don't know if spoiling you as much as I do is a good thing or

a bad thing because I don't know if that's why you're you want to

walk all over me or I I don't I don't know because he does he is

very smart he has a very big brain and so I think. Those are

the little things that confuse me at times, where I'm like, I

don't know if I should always be spoiling you or being like, oh,

it's okay, baby. He doesn't be mad because I can't be mad at

him. It's so hard. It's so hard. Yeah, with their round, you

know, puppy.

I resonate as pet parent, I think we all share the

challenges of parenting. Yes, and I always love how cats

usually get to be themselves. A lot of people say to their dogs,

"Wait before they can go to their football and start eating.

Cats get to be themselves, where dogs are typically be trained a

little more than I think. What I'm hearing is it all goes back

to measuring whether you are spoiling too much or too little.

Too little. So I think we need to tune into Fender in front of

you, and tune into what he is communicating with you, and you

will decide what's too much or what's too little.

And honestly, I think, especially since I've been

talking to you about, especially how you also take care of your

animals, I feel like that's something I've been

acknowledging with him too. Is just like, okay, you're

receiving way too much right now because Poco just gave me a

whole bunch of snacks for you, and I'm not going to give you

any. You're going to be like that. But I definitely think

that's something I've been realizing, and especially as

he's been getting older, for some reason I don't know. I'm

like, you are getting older, as if I was raising a human child.

I'm like, you're getting older. Like you need to straighten up

now, but one thing going back to what you said, you were like we

have to train them a little bit more than like cats, and I think

also one thing with like having a dog, especially, is if you

take them to places and all that, training them obviously is

very necessary because if something were to happen, you

know those other people would probably not be okay with what

happened, or like you never know what could happen. I think that

that's something that we definitely had to put training

into a lot because mana does go everywhere with you, and Fender,

I've been taking him to more places with me. He goes to work

with me every day. When the male people come, he gets so happy.

But at first, he was like, "Whoa! and I was like, "My

goodness, Fender, they're not gonna hurt you. And that's

something that I think, like you said, is very different. Like,

there's so much more training that goes into having a dog than

cats, and cats are still-they know what they're doing too.

They do, but I think that's something that I've definitely

have realized as well. Is that I have to put so much more

training into him, and even though I don't want to, like I

want him to be who he is, but you just never know how other

people or other animals will act outside if you're bringing them

around, and that's just something that scares me because

Fender's everything to me, so I wouldn't want anything to happen

without like him having all that training for me, and so that's

why I'm trying to do it right now. He just-it's like he has

like double A batteries surrounding his body. He's so

crazy. He's something.

He is precious. Of course, all of them are so

precious. As far as training, I did extensive training with Mana

when I got her, and I keep doing it daily with her. But what I

learned the most from training Mana is that dog training is not

cookie cutter. One training manual doesn't fit to every dog.

Yes, and I agree with them 100%

So I train Mana on the things that I needed. Safety

was one when the door opened. I didn't want her to dash out.

Yep. So that was very important, and because I do take Mana

everywhere with me, I need her to behave in public. But inside

home, she barks, she plays, and she just being herself in

because that is allowed outside of home when. We are in public.

I train her to behave in certain ways to be safe for her, for me,

and for everybody else. So I think it comes during offender.

So you need to decide what you need with fender. I think that's

really important. Training manual doesn't fit into every

talk. If Fender could tell you one thing he loves about life

with you, what do you think he would say?

Our talks, and just like I said earlier, like are his

vocals and like just how he responds to me. It's like

everything, everything to me, and I feel like I really

suffered with a lot of sadness too growing up. I always felt

really like, even though I had so much love in my life from my

family and my siblings, I feel like I never connected with an

animal this close. And so when I am able to speak to him, I'm

like, "You are my soul. Like you are my soul dog. You are

everything to me, and you are everything I needed in my life.

And I think if he could tell me, he'd be like, "Our talks with

you are everything to me, mom. And he'd call me his mummy, not

mom, but because I'm always like, hi, I'm your mommy, I'm

your mommy, and he's like, with his little nub.

I really do think he would say our talks is the best

thing. Yes, I love that too, and I love you so much, Coco. Thank

you so much for this. This has made me acknowledge a lot about

him. I love you so. I'm gonna go home and give him the biggest

kiss and hug. Listening to Emily makes me wonder how often we

take a difficult moment in the relationship and turn it into

our verdict about ourselves. Maybe difficult. is just

information. It's not always reflection of us. You know,

something Emily is saying makes me think this isn't only about

our animals. Why do we sometimes translate struggle in the

relationship as evidence of personal failure. A difficult

I'm a bad dog mom, I'm a bad mother, I'm a bad

partner, I am a bad friend. But difficulty is information. It

isn't always a verdict. A relationship can need something

from us without that meaning we failed it. Loving someone well

doesn't mean never needing help. I wonder what happens when we

stop looking at a relationship only through the moments that

aren't working and look at the whole life. When you think about

your relationship with your fur baby, which moments do you tend

to notice most? And what might change if you also notice all

the ways you may be one of the good things in their life.

Before we say goodbye, I want to share this week's little love

message from my love message from your pet oracle with all of

us. This week's card is, "You're my happiness.

It's so cute.

We spend so much time wondering whether we are making

them happy, but maybe every once in a while we can leave a little

room for the possibility that we are part of their happiness too.

Maybe you are one of the beautiful things that happen to

their life. Emichan, thank you so much for coming and having

family conversation with me on the couch with Mana and all my

boys, the cats. All of them, they're so cute. And Fender,

thank you for being exactly enough of a handful to give us

something worth talking about, and I love to hear what you and

your poor baby discover together this week. Until then, take

gentle care of yourself and your precious one, because your

happiness matters. Bye.